My mum thinks my new friend is a "red flag". is she right?

[Nachochilli]

I'm 31 but I’ve been through a lot health-wise which left me with a bit of a gap in my memory and experience, so I sometimes feel more like I'm 21. We're both white and straight.

A little over a month ago, I started talking to a guy I went to school with. We've been messaging all day every day and playing games online, and it's been really fun. It feels easy to talk to him, and he's been kind to me. He knows about my health history and the fact that I feel a bit behind, and he's been fine with it.

He does flirt quite a bit, though. He talks about things like wanting to go for walks, or wishing I could come over to his to share a takeaway and watch films, or mentioning stuff like spooning. Like, he'll mention how he's taking a nap. And then he'll say "I wish you were here you could be the little spoon". He tells me I'm his favourite person to talk to and says things like "you're the one" when we realise we like the same films.. Kissing emojis at the end of some sentences. He also mentioned how I look really young (which people have said I do), like I'm 18 or 19.

He was last in a relationship 4 years ago. Lasted 6. He lives with his mum.

My mum is absolutely horrified by all of this. She thinks he is a massive red flag and is convinced he's trying to groom me because I'm vulnerable. She thinks he's taking advantage of the fact that I don't have as much life experience as other 31 year olds. She blocked me from meeting him for a walk around the estate last week and is constantly warning me that his intentions are probably predatory, not friendly.

Some odd things I did notice:

1. He doesn't like my posts, and I commented on one of his photos and couldn't find my comment after. It didn't appear in my activity log.
2. In his mentions, he had friends wishing him happy birthday. One of them was, "happy birth day to everyone's fave roadman". Which he liked. He does not work on building roads, he's a decorator, so I assume it's the other meaning.

I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks he's just a nice guy who likes me, but part of me is starting to wonder if I'm missing something obvious because of my past. Is my mum being overprotective and reading too much into his comments, or is she actually seeing something that I'm completely blind to? I really value my mum's opinion, but I don't want to throw away a friendship if she's just being unfair. So yeah.. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable for continuing this?

Yes. This would have me running for the hills. Together with the fact that he supposedly thinks so much of you but deleted your comment. And also the fact that he lives with his mum which is very unusual and would make me wonder - does he have no money because he spends it on drugs?

“He lives with his mum.”

OP, I assume he’s your age if you were at school together. It’s a red flag that he still lives at home - what sort of self-respecting young man who apparently has a job is still living with Mummy in his thirties? I’d be very wary, OP, because that’s far from the only red flag. He knows you’re vulnerable and is preying on your innocence - talking about spooning and saying “you’re the one” when this online relationship is barely a month old is too much too soon.

What are you wanting from this relationship?

He's clearly after sex. So if you're wanting a proper relationship I'd run a mile because he's making it clear he's not interested in dates, just trying to get you into bed. If he wanted a proper relationship he'd be asking you out.

If he's deleting your comments on social media he probably has a girlfriend already and doesn't want her to see.

Men don't spoon their female friends, especially ones they haven't met in person! So if you're just looking for friendship I'd run a mile too. Otherwise you'll only get hurt when he ghosts you after he eventually realises you're never going to shag him.

On the other hand, if all you want is a fuck buddy, he appears to be up for that.

I wouldn't call it grooming. It's just a man trying to get sex, they do shit like this. Try to make out they're all sensitive and not just after sex even when they are. Just because you've got health issues doesn't make everyone a groomer. What are men supposed to do except flirt and drop hints? Hardly going to write you a letter about their life history and apply with their CV are they?! 🤷

I'd be put off by the roadman comment regardless of whatever capacity you might be interested in him though. It might be a joke by his friend and he could have just liked the comment to acknowledge the happy birthday part, but it's odd. It's not the sort of thing decent people call each other, I don't think, so it would put me off. I only like decent people, the other kind comes with too much drama in their lives and if it's not them having issues it's one of their friends. Life's too short for that nonsense.

Have you googled 'roadman'? There are far too many search results suggesting drug dealer/gang member.

That's surely a big enough red flag for you?

@Sodthesystem has it spot on

He wants sex and then he will move on. Massive red flag

Your mum can express her opinions but ultimately you are the person who needs to set your own boundaries to protect yourself (which can be hard if you're not really sure what the "expected" response is, having not dated much). I'm a parent to a daughter who I feel is more socially vulnerable and I am afraid of men taking advantage when she's older, but I also need to accept that when she's an adult I cannot make her decisions for her. I will instead prepare her to stand up for herself, and to evaluate situations to ensure she is safe and can get out if she feels less safe later. He may not like it, but you're able to respond with "I don't spoon [or any other slightly sexual comment he makes] with guys I'm not in a relationship with", to make your boundary of no casual sexual contact clear. I'm a neuro divergent adult myself and the guys who people might not have thought had the best intentions were always the ones who turned out to be most respectful to me. Often the men who other people approved of because they had better careers or education levels are those who were quick to try something physical with no forewarning. How old is this person?

Yeah no don’t waste your time. Lives with mum even though he works? Why? Most people would be in a houseshare rather than live with their mum, unless they can’t or won’t look after themselves. You’d probably end up being his sex-and-housework fairy rather than a partner in an equal relationship.

Roadman is also not a good tag! My 15yo uses it as a derogatory term.

Did you know him before you got sick? What was he like at school? If you have been very ill (which it sounds like you have been) your mother is understandably protective. She may be overreacting or her instincts might be spot on. Could you invite him over to yours and your mum could meet him or would that feel weird? Have you any other friends to bounce this off?

hmm, just from your description (which given you like him, should be in his favor) I do get a worrying feeling.

Maybe just keep him waiting. If he is just looking to take advantage of a vulnerable person, he will move on when he eventually realizes that he isn't going to get what he wants. Let him wait and wait and wait, and see how he reacts. A genuine good, caring guy, the type that would probably be right for you - given your vulnerable position - would wait.

But if you start to get pressure, guilt, etc. to hurry you along, that will give you a pretty clear sign that he isn't in this for the right reasons.

I’m 31 and remember boys like this from school, always turning every conversation into some sexual thing, talking about spooning when the conversation didn’t really require it etc, it’s pretty cringe but they were 16-19 so I’ll let them off. Point being he clearly hasn’t grown up if he’s still talking to women like this, and he will undoubtedly be talking to other women. None of this makes him a bad person, just means he’s not grown up and is likely just looking for a hook up. I think guys like this are incapable of having a platonic friendship with a woman. Anyway, Just go in with your eyes open, you can see him if you like, just meet up in a public space as although you knew him at school, it’s been years so you don’t really know him.

the roadman comment was probably a joke, actual roadmen don’t go around publicising it. The insta comment you left was deleted by him so he’s definitely chatting to other women, or doesn’t want his friends to see your comment which also points to not having grown up, given he’s 31.

I would be very cautious. I think messaging all day every day is a big red flag. It is too much too soon and I don’t think it’s a good basis for a relationship because it speeds right through the getting to know you stage. I would listen to your mum and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants to rush into a physical relationship when you meet.

I don’t know what your mum’s intentions are but why would she be interested in keeping you to herself and away from a prospective healthy relationship? If you’re 31 i don’t think she’s in her dotage and desperate to keeping you by her side for her own purposes.
As a mother to a daughter your sort of age i would trust her on this.
And yes, if you - who really want this to be a good thing - are listing all these red flags, then I think you already know the answer to your question.

Don't know why, usually I am on mums' and grandparents' and dads' side when questions get asked, but I just got this feeling you have to run away from your mum, pronto. Just move somewhere - even if the man is a red flag, even if you will get burnt, just separate, please and live your own life, otherwise you will wake up one day and be 60 and will ask 'what the fuck have I been doing with my life?' P.S. You are not the only one with the health issues, other people manage, you will too, to live independently.

Why are you telling your mum about him?

You’re a grown adult and don’t need to tell your mum about who you’re talking to.

You do have to be careful of men and she is right to always be concerned, she’s your mum and is always going to feel over protective.

But there’s nothing to suggest he’s bad.
He sounds a bit immature but then so are you.

I don’t understand the grooming comment - yes he’s being nice to you in the hopes that you’ll have sex with him - but that’s different to grooming, that’s just regular dating.

Go and meet him and don’t tell your mum.
Meet in a public space and don’t go anywhere else with him.
Then come home and talk through it with us and then decide what to tell your mum.

Apart from your health problems, is there anything that makes you more vulnerable?

Did you go to secondary school and was it a mainstream school?
Did you go to college or uni or anything?
Have you ever worked?

Its not quite that as not really anything to do with sleeping around. Its a bit like a wanna be gangster. Who probably sells drugs, and hangs out in the street a lot causing trouble.

This madness, he is not grooming you, he is flirting with you. And you are 31. This is okay (if you want it!!!) unless you have a learning disability and have a younger mental age, or do not have capacity to consent to sex, I genuinely do not see what the problem is. And why is your mum dictating what you do and who you see when you are 31? If you are enjoying the flirting, go with it.

I can’t see much that gives red flags, that OP doesn’t.

They went school together, so he’s real.
Yes he messages a lot but then so does OP.
The conversation is flirty and he obviously wants sex - but that’s not a red flag, that’s literally normal dating.

I’m confused as to how OP is so ‘vulnerable’.
I’m guessing she has been babied a little, which probably makes her a bit naive but at 31 she’s still going to be cognitively an adult, even a young one.

If she was early 20s and immature, then I’d understand the vulnerability side of things as she’d be acting like a teen.
But at 31 with no additional needs, I wouldn’t really class her as vulnerable. She just acts younger than her age.

It does read like they’re 2 teenagers but he works and has friends etc and so I don’t think he’s that much of a concern.

Absolutely this!!!

Ps. Where I live, a roadman is a wide boy, flirt, likes to think he’s the Big G etc. it doesn’t necessarily mean he is up to criminal activity! I think the real problem here is that you don’t seem to trust your own judgement. But then your mum interfering when you are 31 cannot be helping that. Enjoy and good luck.

It’s difficult. You don’t gain life experience by hiding away from all the problems. But I don’t know if he is an abusive man or not.

My 21-year-old son and his friends occasionally tease each other using the word ‘roadman’. They are the opposite of roadmen in real life, it is just part of their banter. So it may be the same for this man, who knows.

What's the harm in meeting him so long as you do it safely in a public place during the day etc.

I get your mum is looking out for you but you're 31 fgs and need to take a chance now and again.

If he's a player - I don't think he is actually - Roadman is just a nickname where I live - people use it just for banter.

Meet up with him - keep an open mind. You never know !

Good luck x

Be careful @Nachochilli. He’s a boundary pusher.

He hasn’t been forthright enough to ask you out. He’s sexualising comments, being inappropriate in a way that wears down your defences. He should either respect the friendship or ask you out, but he’s pushing at the boundaries.

Which tells you that he won’t respect your boundaries. Whether it’s fair to call this grooming (which is a term usually used for older predatory men and younger women/girls), it is a pattern of behaviour used to groom. I think your dm is bang on the money here.

Well if you do want a relationship with him then it sounds like be wants that too, if you don't then I would back away a bit from him as he clearly wants one.
Noyhing in his messages is odd for an adult relationship or sounds predatory, but it does sound very much like he wants to the relationship to progress.
Are you ready to have an adult relationship? If you are still unwell to the point where you still need your mum to make decisions for you then potentially you might need to take it very slowly, if he is willing to wait for you then he sounds like he could be very genuine.
Have you seen 50 first dates? Its thr Adam Sandler movie about the girl with memory issues and the guy helps her every day. The dad of the girl is very against it until the guy lroves himself. Maybe watch it with your mum and have a conversation after, it mught prompt her to think about how she feels and how she will cope with you becoming more independant.

This ^^

I think the OP sounds hugely vulnerable — lives with her mother, seems very enmeshed with her, doesn’t work, has significant health problems, admits herself that she’s naive and lacking in life experience.