My mum thinks my new friend is a "red flag". is she right?

[Nachochilli]

I'm 31 but I’ve been through a lot health-wise which left me with a bit of a gap in my memory and experience, so I sometimes feel more like I'm 21. We're both white and straight.

A little over a month ago, I started talking to a guy I went to school with. We've been messaging all day every day and playing games online, and it's been really fun. It feels easy to talk to him, and he's been kind to me. He knows about my health history and the fact that I feel a bit behind, and he's been fine with it.

He does flirt quite a bit, though. He talks about things like wanting to go for walks, or wishing I could come over to his to share a takeaway and watch films, or mentioning stuff like spooning. Like, he'll mention how he's taking a nap. And then he'll say "I wish you were here you could be the little spoon". He tells me I'm his favourite person to talk to and says things like "you're the one" when we realise we like the same films.. Kissing emojis at the end of some sentences. He also mentioned how I look really young (which people have said I do), like I'm 18 or 19.

He was last in a relationship 4 years ago. Lasted 6. He lives with his mum.

My mum is absolutely horrified by all of this. She thinks he is a massive red flag and is convinced he's trying to groom me because I'm vulnerable. She thinks he's taking advantage of the fact that I don't have as much life experience as other 31 year olds. She blocked me from meeting him for a walk around the estate last week and is constantly warning me that his intentions are probably predatory, not friendly.

Some odd things I did notice:

1. He doesn't like my posts, and I commented on one of his photos and couldn't find my comment after. It didn't appear in my activity log.
2. In his mentions, he had friends wishing him happy birthday. One of them was, "happy birth day to everyone's fave roadman". Which he liked. He does not work on building roads, he's a decorator, so I assume it's the other meaning.

I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks he's just a nice guy who likes me, but part of me is starting to wonder if I'm missing something obvious because of my past. Is my mum being overprotective and reading too much into his comments, or is she actually seeing something that I'm completely blind to? I really value my mum's opinion, but I don't want to throw away a friendship if she's just being unfair. So yeah.. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable for continuing this?

Is there a reason why your mum is so worried, had she explained this to you? Could you explain a little more about your health condition? A bit more context would be helpful, I can’t determine whether your mum is being controlling or whether he could be a genuine risk.

What kind of ' friendship ' do you think this is ?

friends or are you hoping it will turn into boyfriend and girlfriend ?

Do your health issues mean you do not work, as how do you have the time to spend all day every day messaging and playing online games ?

How does he have the time to spend all day messaging and playing online games - as you say he does indeed work as a decorator.

Heart problems. Mostly better now, but I do have brain fog and my cognition still isn't how it used to be. She's worried he might be an abuser or exploiting me.

On my side? Friendship that's a "we'll see" phase where I may or may not get with him depending on how he is when I meet him a couple times. Could very well just stay friends.

It really depends what you want from the outcome of the ‘friendship’ then. Men who message like this are usually interested in easy contact (an easy hit to the ego and some emotional support they don’t easily get elsewhere) and sex, but nothing serious. If he was truly interested in a romantic way then he would be asking you for a date. It definitely doesn’t sound like he’s just interested in friendship either.

I know your mum is trying to protect you, but you are also an adult and you can form whatever relationship you would like. You are free to make your own decisions, but maybe take some of her advice on board. I hope that makes sense.

You're not stuck in the middle. It's your life and your choice.

However, he's totally trying to fuck you.

Could there be something your mum knows about him that you don't?

Being called a roadman isn’t a compliment: it’s normally someone who sleeps around, is a criminal and deals / takes drugs.

Well he sounds like he's interested in a relationship, rather than just a friendship. Hard to understand without knowing the health issues if that means you aren't able to have an adult relationship?

Yeah, he does seem a bit more eager about a relationship, though I did say I'm open to one.

You seem inexperienced and not very worldly.

How come both him and you have time to waste online all day?

i’d listen to your mum and focus on building a rewarding life before getting involved with men.

I am with your mum, he sexualised things quickly by wanting to be in bed with you, he is saying "you are the one" despite very little contact, and he is clearly being very cagey with your SM contact.

Dont fall for this, because I strongly suspect that this has worked for him before and he is trying it on you. I am probably your mum's age (ish) and I fell for it when I was younger so she probably did too. She can't learn your lessons for you but you can listen to her advice.

Oh and ETA you absolutely will not be the only one, hence why he is so cagey about SM.

I'm also curious how he has the time to message so much? Are you sure he works?

I'd be worried too if you were my dd.

Yes I agree about the SM weird stuff. He's hiding something.

Yes he works. 7 till 2, hes posted pics and videos. When he's at work he messages me less. then when he finishes we can be messaging constantly like a chat room.

Hm, this is a tough one.

Is your mum usually someone who looks out for you without babying you and whose judgement you trust? If so I think you should listen to her.

If she has a tendency to be a bit controlling and overprotective, and you trust your own judgement more than hers, that would be a different story.

This guy clearly thinks this is the start of a romantic/ sexual relationship. You seem less interested in that.

It also seems very intense. Like he is trying to wear you down/ love bomb you into something you are less enthusiastic about.

In the interest of speed, I'll bullet point

1. Talking all day every day, is love bombing. It's not healthy. Google love bombing. Also ask yourself how he has this much free time for someone he's never met. I know you could argue "well I do too" but honey, it's not healthy. It fosters a sense of false intimacy and makes it harder to call things off if you meet and don't actually like him much.
2. He has no interest in being your friend. He is looking either to sleep with you or for a relationship of dome sort, which may not necessarily the kind you want.
3. Deleting your commets on his page implies he has either a girlfriend or is seeing other women he doesn't want yo see your posts. (If it's true what pp said about roadmen meaning player, that would check out). Normal people wouldn't delete your comments for no reason.
4. Him talking about you going over to his house and spooning when he has never met you, again implies he is looking for sex.

I do not know if its fair to say he is grooming you. I also don't see the harm meeting him so long as it's in a public place. But not for a walk round the block. No where near either of your homes. Tell him he can take you out to lunch. Players don't like being seen socialising outside with other women so meet publicly lots if you keep seeing him.

I think your mum is right about him being a red flag but you need to find out for yourself. Do not sleep with him for a long time.

And read up on how to spot abusers. Continuously throughout your life. As that's useful knowledge to have.

Well he clearly isn't interested in just being friends - he wants a sexual relationship. Friends don't talk about spooning with each other.

Appreciate you know him from school, but at 31 school was a very long time ago, so he is essentially a stranger.

People can be very different online to real life, and its very easy to hide things when the relationship is just online.

Perhaps your mum is worried if you meet up with him, you would be easily pressured into doing something you might not be comfortable with.

For example, meeting him for a walk sounds innocent. But his intentions may be that it wouldn't just be a walk. He might then invite you back to his house, to 'play games' - and then try to get sexual with you. Would you be able to deal with this / set boundaries if this is something you didn't want?

I have never heard the phrase before. Thanks for that explanation.

Roadman = drug dealer / gang member. Don’t think it has anything to do with sleeping around.

The comment is probably a joke though.

This. I don't think he's after a proper relationship or he would just have asked you out.

But you are 31. Why is your mum.still vetting your activities? How are you supposed to get any life experience if she won't let you?

Presume he wants to have sex with you then string you on into a situationship

If he wanted to date properly he'd be asking you out properly
You are using him for comfort/boredom/a crutch as you're in the habit of talking online all day. Perhaps cut it down
Either meet him to see what the vibe is like or cut him loose
He has stated his intentions so you need to think about the next move as otherwise you're wasting your life talking all day to a man you won't meet, it's dumb

Re the road man comment, does he dress or talk like one? Whys he still live with mum
All seems a bit childish

I'd ignore your mum you need to live your life and deal with these men on your own so you find your own way

If you need friends join some hobby groups in person so you are re socialising yourself

You’re isolated because of your health, and you’ve fallen in with this man because you don’t have anyone else.

Trust your mum. There are plenty of other men in the world. And there are several red flags in what you’ve told us.

Focus on yourself and getting as much independence as you can. Speak to your doctor about what’s safe for you, get support from a disability charity, get on with education and work (as much as you are able). Build a social life of in-person, non romantic friends. Then you will meet and have a choice of dating lots of people, and a stable foundation from which to explore new relationships.