My mum thinks my new friend is a "red flag". is she right?

[Nachochilli]

I'm 31 but I’ve been through a lot health-wise which left me with a bit of a gap in my memory and experience, so I sometimes feel more like I'm 21. We're both white and straight.

A little over a month ago, I started talking to a guy I went to school with. We've been messaging all day every day and playing games online, and it's been really fun. It feels easy to talk to him, and he's been kind to me. He knows about my health history and the fact that I feel a bit behind, and he's been fine with it.

He does flirt quite a bit, though. He talks about things like wanting to go for walks, or wishing I could come over to his to share a takeaway and watch films, or mentioning stuff like spooning. Like, he'll mention how he's taking a nap. And then he'll say "I wish you were here you could be the little spoon". He tells me I'm his favourite person to talk to and says things like "you're the one" when we realise we like the same films.. Kissing emojis at the end of some sentences. He also mentioned how I look really young (which people have said I do), like I'm 18 or 19.

He was last in a relationship 4 years ago. Lasted 6. He lives with his mum.

My mum is absolutely horrified by all of this. She thinks he is a massive red flag and is convinced he's trying to groom me because I'm vulnerable. She thinks he's taking advantage of the fact that I don't have as much life experience as other 31 year olds. She blocked me from meeting him for a walk around the estate last week and is constantly warning me that his intentions are probably predatory, not friendly.

Some odd things I did notice:

1. He doesn't like my posts, and I commented on one of his photos and couldn't find my comment after. It didn't appear in my activity log.
2. In his mentions, he had friends wishing him happy birthday. One of them was, "happy birth day to everyone's fave roadman". Which he liked. He does not work on building roads, he's a decorator, so I assume it's the other meaning.

I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks he's just a nice guy who likes me, but part of me is starting to wonder if I'm missing something obvious because of my past. Is my mum being overprotective and reading too much into his comments, or is she actually seeing something that I'm completely blind to? I really value my mum's opinion, but I don't want to throw away a friendship if she's just being unfair. So yeah.. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable for continuing this?

All this sounds very local. Same school etc. Doesn't the OP have any other friends in the area who might know this man and give some honest feedback on his character?
For me the " road man " comment would raise a red flag. Raises images of skinny drug dealers in knock-off sports gear roaming the streets on e- scooters. Not a good vibe to be generating, even as a joke.

How did your mum block you from seeing him? You are 31 not 13. Your mum sounds way too invested in this. What do you want? He sounds like he’s flirting with you and clearly wants sex. If you don’t want that, that’s fine, but it’s also fine if you do. I’d be concerned your mum is telling you you’re vulnerable when you might not be as vulnerable as she is telling you. The road man thing is ridiculous - my son and his friends say this about anyone who wears Hoodrich or CP Company.

I agree with your Mum.

Or it could just be a joke.
My adult kids call their cousin "road man" because he once bought a stone island T shirt. He's a 32yr old Dr and definitely not a roadman.

It's very difficult to advise you OP as we do not know your particular circumstances but you are entitled to a relationship.

Maybe your mums concerns are legitimate or maybe she likes you being at home with her and doesn't want you to move on in life?

What is the significance of you saying "we are both white". Is that you and your mum or you and your friend? Is he not white and you suspect she doesn't like that?

While I agree that approaching this friendship with caution and a bit of cynicism is probably wise and normal, I am more bothered that a DM actively blocked a 31 year old woman apparently with capacity from going for a walk. If it was anyone else MN would be screaming coercive control from the rooftops.

Your mum is right

I would start by getting out more if you have missed out on your teens and 20s because of illness. Maybe join a few clubs or groups that share an interest or hobby you have

I would also join a few dating apps and meet up for coffee (in a crowded place) with different guy each day and just start to connect with lots of people. By the time you have done that a few times you will get the hang of things.
It will let you find out what you like or don’t like, what you feel comfortable with and be aware of the red flags.
Don’t just pick one pick and pour all your energy into that one person.
Just have fun and don’t take anything too seriously at this stage

I would recommend doing something like the Freedom programme just so you can spot red flags

If some one described this guy as a Roadman then that is a huge red flag 🚩. Listen to your mum on this.

You will find your feet and catch up.

Maybe OP also wants a sexual relationship though? Being disabled or vulnerable doesn't mean you can't have sex if you want that.

OP do you have a support worker that you could discuss your concerns with?

Sounds like your mum is a bit of a saint- maybe sneak out and see for yourself whilst preventing your mum from getting upset. Try and maintain some scepticism but ultimatley try and enjoy yourself as well

Mate. Roadman is not someone who works repairing roads. It is slang for a young man who is a petty criminal and low level drug dealer. It's not a complement.

Sorry , but he sounds dodgy and Roadman is not a compliment

I don’t think anyone should be encouraging a woman in her thirties to Jean into any more teenager mode than she already seems to be, with her mother ‘blocking’ her from walking around the estate with her roadman penal!

OP, you’re an adult. No one can actually stop you meeting an old school friend. Just take the usual tractions you would meeting someone who’s all but a stranger.

With this guy you don’t need to find out anything, his mates have laid it out in black and white. Calling someone a Roadman says it all. Drop and move on

@Nachochilli I think the bigger red flag is that you're mum gets to say if you go out or not and you're analysing him by whether he likes something you posted online???

Also a born South Londoner. It used to but its mainstream now. It just refers to urban subculture tied to the streets, music ie grime & drill, fashion, language ie MLE. Can linked to crime, gangs, antisocial behaviour… that’s where its roots are… but these days not all Roadmen are badman.

Of course he’s pursuing her for sex, why else would he be flirting with her.

Your DH would have pursued you and multiple other women for sex too.

That’s what dating is.
Sometimes it’s turns into a relationship, sometimes it doesn’t.

Obviously OP needs to be careful of all men.
It may be that she wants a marriage and serious relationship whilst he’s just looking for fun but I still think the mum is being too overprotective.
Sometimes we need to get hurt in order to learn not to believe everything a man says.

Don’t be silly.

People call their mates road man as banter all of the time, as posters have said.

A road man is not much different to what we used to call a chav.
It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person or anything.

This guy works and hasn’t said anything disrespectful so far.
OP has not said that he’s been sending her dick pics or asking her for pics etc or saying anything other than harmless flirting.

He fancies you and wants a relationship, and you are quite interested in that. This isn't grooming unless you have some kind of quite serious learning or cognitive problem that means you are unable to consent to sex. Having been ill and a bit behind your peer group is not the same thing.
If the problem is that your mum doesn't like the sound of a potential boyfriend, then tough - you are the one to decide whether to go ahead or not.

@Jellox

Don’t be silly.

People call their mates road man as banter all of the time, as posters have said.

A road man is not much different to what we used to call a chav. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person or anything.

Exactly.

I'm also with your mum to a degree.

I would also share her concerns given what you've said, OP, but you are also an adult and sp she can't forbid you to see someone.

Unless she has a history of controlling you or treating you like a child, I would take note of what she is saying and proceed with caution.

Basically, it's not uncommon when someone has experienced serious health issues (even as an adult) for a parent to feel over protective well into adulthood because the parent has worried so much and for so long. But you are also entitled to a relationship and an adult life.

However, your description of yourself (in terms of being younger than your years as a result) does add an extra layer of vulnerability - which you recognise yourself.

The friendship, the gaming online together, the chatting - all of that is fine. The parts that would concern me are the comments about spooning and being 'the one'. The odd online behaviour is, well, odd. People will say it's only SM and that's not important. SM is not important in and off itself but it's quite often a barometer for a person's character especially when their online interactions are incongruous with what they are saying in person.

We know some men are particularly attracted to vulnerable women so it's pointless to pretend this man definitely isn't one of them.

Best case scenario (if you ignore the red flags), he just wants to be your friend or is hoping for a relationship with you eventually. Worst case scenario (if you include the red flags), he doesn't have good intentions. He has targeted a vulnerable woman and is hiding that fact publicly (on SM) because he doesn't want other people to see that he is doing so.

OP, I'm assuming that as you went to school with him, you will know some others that know him better? Can you sound them out to find out a bit more about him? Also, maybe ask yourself if you're actually interested in him or just happy to get some attention? I do think that you are a bit vulnerable- there is a certain type of man who is really good at spotting people who they think will be flattered by the attention. Why not ask him why your comment on social media disappeared? His reaction might be quite telling - I suspect he won't like you standing up for yourself.

I'm pretty sure you've posted about this before under a different user name?

It's impossible to say whether your mum is controlling you or whether you are simply extremely vulnerable.

You do sound extremely immature. You say you feel more like 21 than 31 but you sound a lot younger than 21, to be honest. If you hadn't mentioned your age I would have assumed you were around 15.

Yes that is true but it is op who keeps describing it as a friendship and so may not realise that it isn't a friendship for him, especially if she is vulnerable and naive. It's important to understand that what is in his mind is not the same as what is in her mind. The fact that op describes it as a friendship suggests to me that she doesn't understand that it isn't.

It's obvious to you that he is pursuing her for sex but I don't think it is obvious to op. If she is happy to be pursued for sex then of course that is absolutely fine so long as she knows that is what is happening, but calling it a friendship suggests that she may not realise. Also not everyone is into dating and casual sex and a see what happens attitude.

He sounds like the sort of guy who is playing a few women off simultaneously and doesn’t want any of them to find out. My friend was dating a guy like this once when we were younger. She naively thought they were exclusively dating until she accidentally gave him a love bite and he went spare, evidently
worried his other women would see and realise!!

He doesn’t want to be your friend, he is after more so it depends how comfortable you are with that.

He wants to have sex with you. It sounds as if you are vulnerable and your mum is protecting you.