My mum thinks my new friend is a "red flag". is she right?

[Nachochilli]

I'm 31 but I’ve been through a lot health-wise which left me with a bit of a gap in my memory and experience, so I sometimes feel more like I'm 21. We're both white and straight.

A little over a month ago, I started talking to a guy I went to school with. We've been messaging all day every day and playing games online, and it's been really fun. It feels easy to talk to him, and he's been kind to me. He knows about my health history and the fact that I feel a bit behind, and he's been fine with it.

He does flirt quite a bit, though. He talks about things like wanting to go for walks, or wishing I could come over to his to share a takeaway and watch films, or mentioning stuff like spooning. Like, he'll mention how he's taking a nap. And then he'll say "I wish you were here you could be the little spoon". He tells me I'm his favourite person to talk to and says things like "you're the one" when we realise we like the same films.. Kissing emojis at the end of some sentences. He also mentioned how I look really young (which people have said I do), like I'm 18 or 19.

He was last in a relationship 4 years ago. Lasted 6. He lives with his mum.

My mum is absolutely horrified by all of this. She thinks he is a massive red flag and is convinced he's trying to groom me because I'm vulnerable. She thinks he's taking advantage of the fact that I don't have as much life experience as other 31 year olds. She blocked me from meeting him for a walk around the estate last week and is constantly warning me that his intentions are probably predatory, not friendly.

Some odd things I did notice:

1. He doesn't like my posts, and I commented on one of his photos and couldn't find my comment after. It didn't appear in my activity log.
2. In his mentions, he had friends wishing him happy birthday. One of them was, "happy birth day to everyone's fave roadman". Which he liked. He does not work on building roads, he's a decorator, so I assume it's the other meaning.

I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks he's just a nice guy who likes me, but part of me is starting to wonder if I'm missing something obvious because of my past. Is my mum being overprotective and reading too much into his comments, or is she actually seeing something that I'm completely blind to? I really value my mum's opinion, but I don't want to throw away a friendship if she's just being unfair. So yeah.. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable for continuing this?

I’m going to make a HUGE assumption here on your life that may not be true… but is your mum babying you and that, alongside your medical history is the reason you feel behind? I understand she is protective of you, as you sound like you’ve gone through a lot. But stopping you at 31 years old doing what you want I think is over the top? Could your mum be potentially holding you back? My friend is 32 and her mum babies her a lot - she’s never had a relationship and is very inexperienced in life and I feel her parents are a big reason why.

I think the guy wants to be a lot more than friends, wether his intentions are relationship or just casual he is definitely not wanting to be just a mate.

This is not a friendship. He is pursuing you for sex. You do sound vulnerable and I think you should step back from this. Do you have any genetic condition that is related to your heart troubles? What heart problem is it?

It sounds like he may be a bit of a player. He wants a sexual relationship with you and it's possible (although not definite) that it will be a short term thing for him rather than developing into something serious. Your mum is trying to protect you from getting hurt if he dumps you in future.

However, that doesn't make him a groomer or abuser. Maybe you wouldn't mind a fling? Not every man has to be "the one". It's up to you really whether that would bother you.

Yes this guy sounds like a walking red flag but then so does your Mum.
I would prioritise seeking more independence (if your health permits that).
Are you in a position to move out so that your Mum isn’t quite so involved in everything?
If you want to persue a bit of fun with this guy then it’s totally reasonable for you to be able to do that without your Mum being “horrified”.
Saying that, I think most of us who have been through the wringer a few times recognise from your description of him that this guy is not relationship material.
But if you just want a bit of fun and can do that without getting emotionally involved/hurt then go for it, live a little!

Roadman does not mean dealer or gang member, it’s just London/urban street culture. He reckon OP peng ting innit bruv, man’s fryin her line.

He’s trying to have a relationship with you, you are a grown adult and that’s what adults tend to do. He doesn’t “like” your posts because he’s not an insecure teenager or celebrity and has a job. I have no idea about this guy and have heard the term “roadman” as a negative as it can be connected to drugs but sometimes it’s more indicative of hanging out on the streets dressed to a certain style and into certain music using a lot of the slang of that culture.

grown adults messaging endlessly isn’t the norm, we meet up, go out and yes more.

He is as others have said pursuing you for sex and probably isn’t serious about you. The constant messaging is a sign of someone who is immature and a bit childish (and probably with a phone addiction).

This all sounds fairly standard dating behaviour and something people do routinely nowadays. If you were in another situation I would say go with it and just have your wits about you.

But you do sound vulnerable and inexperienced. Its hard to know if your mum infantilises you on purpose or if she is genuinely concerned you are being groomed. Only you can know that. I would be careful with this bloke though. At best he sounds shallow and unserious. He’s not looking for a genuine relationship. If that’s what you want thats fine but I sense you want more than that.

As an adult you can have relationships that your knowingly go into, it doesn’t mean you are being groomed if you choose to pursue but realise it’s unlikely to be a long term commitment, that’s why your mum worries. Be very careful if you do proceed re protecting yourself

He definitely wants sex. It doesn't seem to be a relationship he is interested in with you or he would have asked you on a date.

Your mum is probably being overprotective but it sounds like you've been through a lot and I'm sorry to hear that.
Read up on how to spot an abuser/ predator, they always have scripts and I agree this guy is throwing up red flags.
Take care

OP what is your health status now? Are you well enough to be in a relationship, live independently or work?

It would be sensible to focus on establishing whatever degree of independent living is possible first before thinking about relationships. First things first, one step at a time.

I was going to post this. It also seems that he’s deleted your comment on his social media account so his other friends wouldn’t be able to see it.

I feel your Mum is wise and trying to keep you safe. Continue the friendship by all means but this man isn’t good news for you!

You're not going to gain life experience without engaging in life. Assuming that your mum is mentally well (not narcissistic, selfish and controlling as a personality) then she wants the best for you and wants to protect you from emotional pain. That's normal, and she's probably feeling it all the more because you've been through the mill with your health. But we only learn about ourselves and relationships by having them and making our own mistakes. I don't think he's grooming you. I also don't think it sounds like the start of a long term relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to end it before it's begun. Ask your mum to give you her thoughts on specificly and exactly what she sees are issues, listen carefully, and carry on as you wish with your eyes wide open to the fact she might be right so you can protect yourself but also learn yourself.

My advice to you is to enjoy this relationship to exactly the extent that you want to. With a few warnings and caveats...
He wants sex/a romantic relationship with you

It doesn't sound like you're the only one

The extent of the messaging between you is intense. Why not reduce that and free up some of your time fir something else - a hobby or group where meet other people

Do not allow yourself to be isolated from your mum or friends in this or any other future relationship.

This all sounds too intense for the early days of a new friendship/ possible relationship, but I think the biggest red flag is the combination of flirting along with saying you look 18/19. Maybe you do, but it suggests to me that he's attracted to you because you seem young and potentially vulnerable.

It’s only a red flag if all this is online and you’ve never actually met him and never see him in person.

Op did go to school with him

He’s a decorator who works from 7 to 2?

Your mum is probably right.

in my understanding, yes - roadman is basically a gangster type person involved with dealing drugs. They wizz around on electric scooters with their face covered wearing black nike tech with low hanging pants. They also talk and walk like complete twats.

He isn't a friend. He is a guy flirting with you online because he is after sex. That could be fine so long as you don't have other expectations.

It depends how vulnerable you really are and how anxious/protective your mum is. A 31 year old (or even a 21 year old) meeting up with a guy she knew from school isn't usually that much of a concern, so it depends what your mum is specifically worried about.

Secretiveness on social media suggests he is in a relationship or embarrassed about you in some way.

The roadman comment is probably about the way he dresses.

I think he sounds like a walking red flag but I also think you need to live your own life.

Sometimes, we have to go through horrific heartbreak to discover who we are and what matters to us. It isn’t pleasant. When I was your age, I would have fell for someone like this easily because my self esteem was so low, that the only quality I looked for in a partner was whether they liked me or not. It’s taken a lot of heartbreak and several bastard men for me to finally be able to see clearly and find someone who treats me with respect.

This obviously isn’t a friendship, he’s pretty blatantly trying to get in your knickers. Whether that is a red flag or not is up to you. Somebody wanting a shag isn’t necessarily abusive, although you may not be in the right emotional space yourself at the moment to avoid him using you for sex.

I don’t think many actual roadmen appreciate being referred to as such, it’s not exactly a complimentary term! But even if he isn’t one, like I say it isn’t a compliment that his mates are calling him one.

Agree with this

I think he's stringing you along. He's enjoying the attention

He’s not grooming you, you are a 31 year old woman and unless you have serious mental incapacity then your mum is quite frankly being ridiculous she’s acting like your a child and hes a pedo.
that said he just wants in your knickers but he’s definitely not grooming you!

I’ve lived in the same bit of South London for 30 years and it definitely means dealer around here!

Low level, pathetic little dealer, likely early teens, on a hacked Lime bike, probably has a sideline in nicking phones. Definitely not complimentary.

He likes you. He wants to get to know you more.
Your mum is infantalising you a bit.