How can I turn down uninvited siblings politely from nieces 9th birthday party?

[ThePetiteMermaid]

I changed my user name for this and some details as it’s pretty outing (and a long post sorry - trying not to drip feed) but I need advice please.

My niece has a birthday party coming up this week and my Dsis was originally going to book a party package doing an activity with food and party bags included.
It worked out as far too expensive for her as a package because you need a minimum amount of guests to book and so she decided to take a smaller friend group and pay for them to do the activity individually and then to take them to a fast food place to eat.
She also decided instead of party bags to just do cake to save money and thought the kids might not expect one after an expensive activity and might be too old to be bothered anyway at 9 years old.

My Dsis became ill unexpectedly and had to have an operation which means she’s unable to host the party and her DH is at work so she asked me to do it.
I didn’t want my niece disappointed so have taken over the WhatsApp group to finalise things and I have a friend to help on the day.

I have had two messages from two mums basically saying siblings need to attend as it’s school holidays and not really asking but telling me. There hasn’t been any money offered but one mum put “Lucy isn’t expecting a party bag but I’m hoping you will be able to provide a meal for her”.

The other mums message was a bit more polite saying “Katy can’t come without her sister Jess as I have no one to look after Jess, I hope this isn’t an issue as Katy is really excited about coming to celebrate Amy’s birthday”.

I can’t believe how rude and cheeky this is, surely they aren’t expecting my Dsis to pay for the extra kids?
Even if the parents do offer to pay I don’t want to be responsible for two extra kids who will probably be a different age category anyway.

I want to reply saying that the party numbers are final and we can’t stretch to additional guests financially and also I don’t think two is enough people to safeguard extra children.
I wasn’t sure if I should include the financial part as they might have been expecting to pay for the siblings on arrival.

I was hoping for some help please in writing a response that is polite but firm, my Dsis said one of the mums will possibly try to drop the sibling off anyway as she has form for this.

I don’t have children so feel uncomfortable dealing with this and I was really surprised to hear it’s a common request, I can understand if it was a cheaper venue like a hall party when the kids were younger but not for an expensive activity!

I’m also wondering what to say to kids if they are expecting party bags. With one mum mentioning them in the text I’m thinking others might expect them and kids might ask for one. I don’t have the money or time to provide them and wouldn’t have a clue what to put in them, I don’t want to stress my Dsis when she’s ill and already fretting about pleaving me in charge, surely a slice of cake is enough?!

It would be helpful if someone could also give me a suggestion of what to say if someone does attempt to drop off a sibling please.

I’m ND and not the best with confrontation or awkward conversations and I’m really pissed off I’ve been put in this position and my niece will be really upset if the two girls can’t attend because we can’t include siblings although that maybe can’t be helped.
I wouldn’t have been as keen to volunteer to help if if known I’d be dealing with these cheeky requests and worrying about bloody party bags!

I’ve posted quickly but I have to go out now so I won’t be able to respond much until later.
I just thought I’d better add this in anticipation of people asking “where has the OP gone!”
I will update after I’ve hopefully handled the situation tactfully!

Surely that's a time for reporting them to the police for child abandonment

Sorry, it’s just that you replied to me specifically and I didn’t say it was weird. I know children with allergies (I have one myself), and people would be very happy for them to come with parents, but this wasn’t what the OP had posted. You said you wouldn’t demand food, neither has anyone here. We’re not talking about that situation.

This nails it. Keep it simple.

Id also see if one of your friends can come and help. Or if your dsis can ask one of the mum friends. In any party group its best to have one adult to stay with the kids and one just in case of emergency. I'm a veteran of children's parties and I was always glad when one of my friends stayed to chat plus dh was there. They help marshal the children or cut up the cake. I think it's unreasonable to expect one lone adult to do it all especially when they don't have kids.

If someone leaves an uninvited sibling thst would be quite rare but youd just have to sit them down and make them wait whilst you call the mum and send a message on the group chat. State that you're dealing with the party and can't look after the uninvited guest. Ask if any of the other parents can come back and watch the child because the party centre won't want to know. Idont be afraid to tell people what's what. If you can leave them with the centre staff. Seriously I think this is really unlikely to happen but if it did you'd just have to deal with it but don't be nice and add them to the party a) it'll cost you £20+ food minimum and b) if it's anything like some of the party venues round here they will be at capacity anyway. Plus c) you'd be the one signing the waiver form.

I'm only speculating but I am imagining something like Go Ape or canoeing where you might need 2 adults to accompany the (say) 6 children round the equipment. If one of the adults has to sit out with an abandoned sibling, then the group doesn't have enough adults to do the activity.

I may be completely off the mark though.

Ok I’m back, I have been to see my Dsis and stayed later then expected

I’ve only briefly skimmed through some replies but can already see some good ideas for messages to send.
I will just answer a few questions that might be relevant before I do.

It’s not a party at home or a play centre it’s trampolining which isn’t cheap and then we are taking the kids to KFC afterwards so we would be looking at an extra £50 for the two siblings which isn’t affordable.
If Dsis had booked a party through the venue it would have needed a minimum of 10 children but Amy has invited 5 friends and is happy with that, she doesn’t want kids she doesn’t know when it’s such a small group.
Also there are age/height restrictions for some areas which means younger children wouldn’t be allowed so supervising would be a nightmare. There have been parties at the same place before apparently so the parents should be aware of this.

It is a drop off as far as I know no one is staying with their children and are happy knowing I have my friend to help and there will be staff supervising. I’ve never been to this place but I think 9 is old enough to not need their mums there.

Katy’s mum was apparently planning to work for a few hours and has said to Dsis if I can’t have both girls she’d have to leave them with her mum.
My Dsis asked why her mum couldn’t just look after Jess but apparently “that just won’t work” so my Dsis has told her that it’s a same Jess can’t come but unfortunately we can’t say yes to one sibling when others have asked so luckily I don’t have to get involved by messaging her back now and just hope she doesn’t bring Jess anyway.
I wasn’t going to include so much detail as it’s so outing but I suppose the rest of it is really so I’ll just have to hope no one is on here that will recognise the situation!

I’ve no idea Lucy’s mums issue with needing to include a sibling with it being a drop off party but I’ll be interested to see if she tells me when I message her to say I’m not having both. It’s Lucy’s mum who has form for dropping off both kids at parties and scarpering and so it’s obvious how little she cares about being a cheeky fucker.

My BIL is absolutely useless but that’s another story and if I didn’t step in Amy would have no party. My Dsis has ongoing health issues and Amy misses out a lot on things so my Dsis saved for months to make her birthday special. I didn’t want anything to ruin it because she’s so excited.
Part of me was so tempted to send a message to everyone on the group chat saying if you drop off any siblings we can’t afford to pay for them or feed them, Amy just wants her friends there and you’ll ruin her birthday but that could cause a lot of potential trouble for my Dsis which is why I was looking for help writing a more diplomatic message!
I’m trying to save my Dsis from as much stress as possible as well.

I will read the responses properly now and work out a message to send to Lucy’s mum tomorrow, thank you for everyone who helped!
I’m also going to read the suggestions about party bags because I just haven’t had a chance to stop and look at my phone all day and I’m still torn about what to do.

Reply to Lucy’s mum with

”Hi, unfortunately we can’t accommodate siblings, but Child1 can be dropped off and left with us and picked up after. As a party bag she will get a slice of cake to take home.”

That makes it clear there aren’t party bags plural available at all and a single slice of cake for the invited child is all to expect coming home.

Reply to Katy’s mum with

”Hi, unfortunately we can’t accommodate siblings, but Katy can be dropped off and left with us and picked up after, parents don’t stay, so you can stay with Jess.”

I’ve read through the replies and there have been some great suggestions so I’ve combined a few and decided to go for this and put it in the group chat:

“Thank you for everyone who has RSVP’d for Amy’s party, she is looking forward to seeing everyone and drop off time is at 11.30 with pick up time to be confirmed.

I’m very sorry to those who have asked but unfortunately we cannot accommodate siblings as we had only budgeted for the invited children, I don’t feel comfortable supervising extra children and Amy would prefer just to have the friends she has invited.
I’m sorry if that inconveniences anyone, if you do wish to bring any siblings then you can pay for their entry separately but will need to stay to supervise them, they cannot be left with the party group and if you want to join us afterwards at KFC the same applies.

If anyone is struggling for transport just let me know because we might be able to help.
Thank you for making Amy’s day special”

I’m not sure if it’s a bit waffley but after some of the horror stories people have posted I wanted to make it crystal clear that we won’t be looking after any extra siblings who are just left to join the party and I wanted to make extra sure people know it’s fine to drop off!

I think it’s a good idea to post in the chat as based on others experiences I might get people who don’t bother to even ask and will just bring siblings and leave them.
I wish I had the balls to do what a pp posted and just leave any uninvited kids in reception but I don’t think my Dsis would be happy at me ruining her reputation!

I can see some people feel strongly about party bags and think it’s an important part of the party and will provide “core memories” but I’d hope that the party will be more exciting then a bag of tat and will provide some wonderful memories!
Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids and I don’t remember being that excited about party bags when I was one but it just seems like more faff and expense I’ll get some little bags of haribo as suggested and stick them in with the cake that will of course be wrapped in a napkin and inevitably end up getting sat on, squashed or just the icing picked off because that’s my most common childhood memory of the end of parties 😂.

I am going to sound really old now but when did this change where it became so common to bring siblings to parties? I don’t remember any coming to any birthday parties I went to as a child in the 90’s.

It’s been a long day so I’m going to bed and will post tomorrow and update if I need any more help and advice, I have a feeling my message might cause some controversy.

Sounds like Katy's mum was hoping with an ultimatum you would cave in to accepting both kids.

Also sounds like Lucy's mum is used to getting away with this so you need to have a plan in place. Target these two mums specifically to greet at drop off and if you see another child in tow stay with them until you see them leave with them. Either you do this or your friend or this useless BIL of yours. If these mums are planning on trying their luck they are relying you on you being distracted. They may even instruct their kids to get out of the car and drive off so try and be by the drop off point.

I also don't think it's wrong to send a message to the group chat to make it clear that anyone who doesn't adhere to the rule will be embarrassed. Something along the lines of:

"We have had a few questions about bringing siblings and I want to make it clear that unfortunately this is not possible as the party format and budget doesn't allow for additional guests other than the children Amy invited. I'm sure everyone will respect this but I do need to reiterate that under no circumstances will additional guests be included in the activity and food, even if they are dropped off at the party. I don't believe any of us want any child to experience this so I'm sure with this information everyone will kindly adhere to the guidelines. We are very grateful to have you bringing Amy's friends to celebrate her birthday with her."

This

You were one of a number of people suggesting by nine everyone drops their children off. I was explaining why there are good reasons why some people don't even at that age.

I appreciate that its a side issue but it was frustrating seeing people imply it's weird or abnormal when from my perspective it is hugely unfair to asks a party host to also be responsible for serious medical issues

I know this is not the point of the thread, but the CF parents who drop uninvited kids off at parties, run, and then switch their phones off, do you think this is creating a social anxiety for their kids? It seems pretty awful for your parents to force you into places and events where you are unwelcome.

I’ve always had other children with me but I just ask if it’s ok to leave the invited child at the party and collect at the end as I have other children to look after. I would never dream of taking a sibling along.

“I am very sorry but we cannot accommodate siblings. The party venue and food has been booked for a certain number of children.
*If you wish to bring older sibling, you can pay for their entry and food separately and you will need to stay to supervise them, they cannot be left with the party group.”

I wouldn't bother with the second paragraph. The first bit says exactly what they need yo know.
I dont know if this is a recent thing with behaviours as my kids are acults but I never had anything like this. People are so cheeky!

I would make sure the trampolining place has a list of names or you’re around to supervise who gets booked in so Lucy’s mum can’t add a sibling in or claim they’re part of the party.

I'd put the uninvited kids in a taxi to their address and leave whoever is home to pay the driver. Text the parent to say you've done it, so if they're elsewhere they can get their arse home again. Bet that'd make them think twice about doing it in future the CFs

You wouldn't do this.

No taxi driver would do it. What if no one is at home?

Some great advice regarding how to word message regarding not accepting extra children.

if you are still unsure about party bags, my go to at this age was a slice of cake and a packet of Haribos. Always went down well with the kids. No plastic tat, and doesn’t cost a fortune either.

Hope the party goes well. Your niece is very blessed to have a lovely supportive Aunty in her life.

I totally 100% would. I have zero time for CFs and would not be lumbered with their kids. If the taxi wouldn't take them I'd dump them on the venue staff to deal with. Not my problem. The CFs will keep getting away with it if everyone lets them, that's why it's such a problem in the first place with everyone going "awww it's just a child of course I'll suck it up and let the responsibility be dumped on me and pay for them". I'd be nice to the kid but they wouldn't be joining the party and I wouldn't be taking responsibility for them, I'd explain their parent made a mistake leaving them at the party and should have taken them home with them. It sucks for the kid but that's not my problem, it's the parent who abandoned them that caused their upset.

As for how to deal with children expecting party bags:

yes, they do / will expect them
no, that doesn’t mean you have to provide them or have put on a substandard party if you don’t

If a child asks you for one, a breezy “Aw, sorry darling, not all parties have party bags. I hope you had a lovely time doing [X activity] anyway! Did you get some cake?”

Good luck OP, kind of you to step in

Then I guess the taxi would have to take the child to the police or call them. Like I said, I'd text the parent so they were aware the taxi was on its way back to them. If they didn't want their kid abandoned in a taxi then they better get their arse home again to receive them and not abandon them hadn't they.

Please let us know how the CFs reply OP!

I am sorry you are having all this stress from what is such a kind thing for you to do.

Just on the party bags - my son is 9 and still gets something at every party. We stopped ages ago and went with sweets as I hate the tat. Personally for just 5 kids I’d do something - one of those £1 bags of sweets and a bubble wand? Something super easy. It’s a good way to signal the end of the fun as well.

I think it does. They probably feel that mum or dad cant be bothered with them

You’ll never see these mums again, as you’re not a fellow mum at the school gates, so the need to tip toe around politely is reduced.

At our local trampoline park, each child must be paid for, signed in by an adult, and given a wrist band in reception before getting through the barrier. Tell the mum—sorry, but X’s sibling is not invited, will not be bought a ticket, nor supervised in the venue. If she is dropped in the foyer, that is where the child will be left for the duration of the party. The child will not be transported to KFC with the group, and if she is dropped at the venue, she will be left there, unsupervised.