AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

She didn’t get upset because they suggested she had Arab heritage, she got upset because they assumed she did and bullied her for it.

You missed out the part where she was bullied for it! Funny that.

I wonder if OP can elaborate on the ‘he knows what his grandad is like’ bit.

@Triniette Can you clarify what you mean by this.

Nonsense. She sounds like a young woman with good self esteem and self respect. Good for her. I wish I had been that self assured at her age and not such a people pleaser who put up with being treated like shit by others so as not to "make a fuss"

OP's son is also admirable too.

Yeah she and he are overreacting. From a generation that feels entitled to shun folks for minor grievances, Sad. Your dad was out of order but punishing you with visit ban is nasty. She is probably racist herself tbh so found comments on her skin being dark insulting.

Your dad needs a diagnosis and your son needs to know your dad has it/dementia. Then he and GF can make a decision whether they can visit knowing he has no control, or he can visit on his own (I hope he might if diagnosed). But right now they just see someone being terribly rude.

OP I think you need to be prepared to find out that this was the straw that broke the camels back and your DS doesn't want to be around his grandfather either. This happened in my family, after being the target of my grandmother's bile and judgment one of her grandson's just stopped contact. People can only take so much and, regardless of diagnosis, don't want to put up with the behavior anymore.

I’m afraid it comes across as your son having has experience with you father’s comments ih the past that he was uncomfortable with, and he was ready to take action knowing the kind of comments your dad would be likely to make.
Your daughter’s response makes me think they’ve both heard comments like thst behind closed doors from your dad.
And fyi, it’s not for you who is not affected by the comment to decide whether it’s racist or not, or how the person on the receiving end of the micro aggression ( and it is very much clearly a micro agression) should feel or respond.
You should perhaps show your son more support and offer to visit or meet him elsewhere instead, not try and dismiss his feelings.
y, they’ll not last because I don’t think your family is the right one for the girlfriend to be marrying into.

FFS rein yourself in.

It's extremely rude of your father to have made that comment about his grandson's girlfriend to her face. There is so much to unpack here and I can't really be bothered to do so but the only way back is for you and your DH to grovel like crazy to your son and his girlfriend.

I think your son and gf are being very reasonable. The big thing for me is how you all reacted - no-one (except your son) stuck up for her or told your dad to stop it. You should have tried to protect her by trying to out some space between them and keeping your dad on different topics of conversation. If it truly is dementia you should have also pre-warned her that he is unwell and makes personal comments.

Now your husband is minimising it, and frankly so are you. You owe her and your son a heartfelt apology for the way you handled it. And accept that you see them away from your dad for now.

Don’t hurt yourself with that stretch.

Me too. The times I was rudely told I need to eat something because I was skinny (with no ED) and I’d just smile or chuckle when really my eyes were prickling with tears as it was so hurtful. But apparently they weren’t rude fuckers, I was just too sensitive. Today I’d give them a piece of my mind (no longer skinny enough though lol).

I’m someone who has cut contact with family members because of offensive things they’ve said or done. But in this case - much as it seems like your dad’s words were ‘triggering’ for the girlfriend, and that’s unfortunate - I think she is being a bit ridiculous tbh.

She’s adult enough to know that 85 year olds might be battling some cognitive decline and might say slightly inappropriate things as a result. He’s also of the generation that grew up with a far less diverse population- so her tanned skin might strike him as remarkable.

I remember when DH’s bird-like granny told me I looked ‘like I had a healthy appetite’ 🙄 For what it’s worth I was under 9 stone at the time (am 5ft 7!). She was a functioning anorexic herself, but also had no idea that I suffered a minor ED in my teens. Yes, that was insensitive and potentially hurtful - but I just thought ‘old woman, silly comment’, smiled and got on with it.

Could you ask your son if it would help if you chatted to her?

Exactly. I cannot imagine a social event where not only my skin colour is brought up, but also my weight - criticism of how much I am eating, criticism of how I pronounce words, criticism of my appearance - its just horrendous. I mean, it's basically an entire character assassination and she's supposed to just sit there and take it- and all on the first bloody meeting?

Fuck that. If grandad couldn't control himself after the first comment then someone should have asked him to leave.

Oh, so there were other comments as well? But of a drip feed, there. I’ve been on the opposite end of this, when I was introduced to my now DH family (same cultural differences but in reverse). His mother was absolutely awful to me (still is, tbh) and it set the whole tone for my relationship with that family.

Well done your DS and DD for supporting her. The fact that your DH is dismissive shows that it’s not just your father sharing this attitude, tbh.

It wasn't just about her skin colour though. He also mocked he accent and made comments on her body type. Imagine meeting your new boyfriends extended family for the first time and getting negative comment after negative comment about how you speak and look. The man is completely void of manners and class and nobody stood up to him. I'd avoid the lot of them too.

I don’t think he was being racist given he also pointed out other things about her. He was rude to talk about her appearance but also as he’s someone struggling with memory, ability to control what they say and mood swings I would take it all with a pinch of salt. If she’s a new gf that has never met him before I would maybe offer an invite to them both out for a meal somewhere and bring up his struggles and point out that he wasn’t intentionally being rude and has apologised. If someone told me that my opinion would change as I know he wasn’t being deliberately rude.

Many people with dementia become disinhibited. I'm sure most of us have some internal thoughts that would be offensive if voiced out loud eg she's fat, she doesn't suit that outfit, he's drinking too much tonight, I don't understand why she stays with her awful husband, he's very tall, they don't look like a happy couple etc. So, some understanding of dementia might help here

But, I understand why the GF doesn't wish to socialise with him

Your DS should visit on his own, assuming he previously had a positive relationship with grandfather

Agree with this, when our children live away they see / notice / understand even less about our situation. Grandpa may have said something now seen as racial but I don’t believe there was any intention to hurt, more a curiosity or interest in getting to know the girlfriend but wrongly expressed due to very probable dementia onset.
can you invite the young couple to meet you out somewhere without grandpa so that you can all discuss it properly?

can we PLEASEPLEASE get off the old people generalisation thing?

Old people saying slightly offensive things is an unavoidable part of life

Oh fuck off. I knew the ageist comments wouldn't be long.

My mum is 80 and would NEVER make a racist comment.

Do you think people just get old and turn into rude offensive twats!!! No they don't. They've always been a cunt.

Age is not a factor here. Cuntishness is.

If someone told me that my opinion would change as I know he wasn’t being deliberately rude.

If these comments are truly out of his control then why were they only directed at the girlfriend? people who are genuinely out of control of their mind will say all things that pop into their head. He apparently didnt say anything to his own grand daughter about her weight, or to his grandson or daughter about their weights or anything at all about their appearances.

If it was a case of total loss of control then you'd expect comments to everyone, not selective comments based only on one person

Is your son planning never to see his grandad again so OP?

If your dad’s memory/cognitive abilities aren’t what they once were that does need to be taken into account. Surely your son could visit without his girlfriend on occasion?

Honestly, the racism is a secondary issue here. He made multiple comments on her physical appearance and her speech impediment. Age is no excuse - my own parents are in their eighties and know that this is unacceptable. My sympathies are squarely with the girlfriend.