AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

I think it’s also ok to take some time to digest something that happened and then decide what to do about it.

I think a key point here is that the relationship is new and things may have been a bit different if they had been together for a long time already

All that from just ONE visit? Well I'D not be back! Poor lass.

It would be reasonable for her to refuse to come back if she was really that upset, but not sure why your son can’t come on his own? That’s the overly dramatic part as I see it. Regardless, you’ve done all you can.

Even when I was in my late twenties I had the maturity to understand that very elderly people with possible dementia shouldn't be held accountable for every tactless or unkind thing they said. This girl is self-centered, overly sensitive, and selfish. No doubt she is using Grandpa's senior moment as an excuse to distance her boyfriend from his family.

Your comment elaborating on the incident explains it all:

She was on the receiving end of quite a few my dads comments (though this seems to be the one that his stuck and caused an issue as none of the others were mentioned), such as “you’re very tall” “you’re so slim, you must never eat” “isn’t it funny how you say (sons) name wrong” (it has a th sound in it which she struggles to pronounce).

I dont blame her for not wanting to go back. This wasnt just one isolated comment about her skin colour, it sounds like he was going on and on and on at her about things and if I was her I would have been so uncomfortable I'd never want to go back.

Why do men do this? its always women they have a go at and pick at for their appearance. I bet he'd never do it to your daughter's boyfriend!

I'm sorry OP but I think your son is right- your dad wont stop these personal comments by the sound of it so I dont really know what else you expect her to do? she isnt obliged to sit there being picked at and insulted for hours just to appease your father, regardless of his diagnosis.

@JaneFondueand @LancashireButterPieyour obviously not red heads. School as a ginge wasn’t a pleasant experience…..ask the ginger people!
now I’m an adult I love it!
I have been asked whilst on holiday ‘why am I so white?’ How people couldn’t possibly leave the house without fake tan because they’re soo pale and so on.

Actually the GF questioned if she knew who her father was and wasn't being lied to. It wasn't a one off remark, the GF got it, throughout her visit, includingmockingher accent. The OP said "he knows what his grandfather is like" that suggests it isn't just cognitive decline. The GF was asked to stop and didn't. They made the decision to not put themselves through that again. It's a valid decision.

How was it racist exactly? Passing comment on a stranger's appearance is rude, certainly, but is there something negative about having darker skin or African heritage?

Your dad is a rude racist and your son is fantastic for supporting his girlfriend.

There really is nothing else to say.

Edit: excusing his behaviour because he’s ‘old’ or ‘from a different generation’ is wrong. That’s not an excuse. Everyone who lives in society has a duty to move with the times, it’s no excuse. He’s just a rude racist!

He doesn't have a diagnosis. Possibly he was always just a racist, misogynist prick. There's a lot of it about.

That’s a special kind of mental gymnastics to try and make the gf to be in the wrong.

Hmm, your update does seem to suggest a bit of a barrage of potentially hurtful comments from your dad, despite being asked to stop. The fact your DD agrees with her brother also suggests your dad was out of line. Age, lack of awareness etc, doesn’t cut it if the girlfriend feels hurt, embarrassed and just doesn’t want to see him again. That said, I’m not sure what one can do other than apologise, which he has done. I’d let it lie for a bit then maybe try to get her to give him one more chance - with him on his best behaviour! - and see if she can get past this for your sons sake. It comes across though as though you are minimising your dad’s behaviour, and maybe the family have got used to it - aww, it’s just dad, he doesn’t mean it - and the girlfriend has a valid point…

This is also true- a bit of memory loss doesnt mean he actually has dementia. He has no official diagnosis.

He could just be a nasty racist and sexist old man - they do exist! People assume all older people are lovely but thats certainly not true- they are like people of any ages. Some are lovely, some are horrid.

It’s a pretty shitty comment to receive and I fully understand why she doesn’t want to come back, and your son rightly supports her. You admit yourself that the apology wasn’t in fact at all sincere so I’m not really sure what you expect them to do.

Saying she can’t possibly be French/Italian because she’s too dark is racist! Asking her if she’s sure of her heritage! Are you sure you’re British? You can’t possibly be British with such low comprehension levels.

The racist implication was that she’s not white enough to be French or Italian.

This was the first time meeting the family for this girl? During the visit she was singled out and a commentary on her looks, her family background, etc was running by your dad? You can't see how this would make her uncomfortable?

What if he had constantly mentioned she was fat.. how did she get fat.. did she know why she was fat? Would you understand it then?

He was stating the bloody obvious over and over again, about something she had no control over and then questoned if she actually was from the background she said?
It sounds horrendous, and I would have probably left. Apologies don't make up for the transgression, particularly when they aren't sincere.. and lord knows what he would say to her next time!

I don’t actually know if I believe this is true given the massive drip feed in the OPs posts but if all true your sons girlfriend is absolutely right to be offended and your son and daughter are quite right in sticking up for her too.

Your comments only seem to be trying to minimise what was said and I really get the feeling you’re less annoyed about what was said and the hurt caused and more that you’ll be two guests down at your family gatherings.

If you really do feel your dad is suffering with cognitive decline you must take him to a doctor. I’ve been there with my own dad, they’re very delicate with this and I spoke to the receptionist to arrange that initial appt.

But then there’s also the chance he doesn’t have dementia at all and he’s just a rude old man.

THIS exactly.

Bloody hell- it's so rude to question someone's ethnicity as if you know better than them and based on their skin colour?- racist AF

It is very obviously racist.
He basically said "I don't believe you that you're X nationality, you've got the wrong skin colour". How can you deny that's racist?

And then you drip feed that that was not the only comment, just the worst one from your father, in a stream of incessant offensive personal comments to someone he was meeting for the first time. No wonder she felt unwelcome and doesn't want to return.

And the degree to which you're minimising it suggests either that you share similar views and therefore don't see it as a big deal, or that you have all gotten so acclimated to your father's offensive comments that you think everyone should put up with them or no longer see them as that offensive.

I would be having very stern words with the father about the consequences of his behaviour, and making sure he did fully understand what he did wrong. Even if it's purely to the extent of "don't comment about other people" or "if it's not positive, don't say it at all".

And yes, meeting with the son and girlfriend outside the home until they feel supported enough to come back for a visit. Minimising how she's feeling is not going to help matters at all.

Except both OP’s children agree with her , so maybe they know something you don’t, and OP is very keen on minimising.

Wrong actually, I'm Irish heritage, Auburn and very pale. I've had all the years of ginger nut, Duracell (back in the day) and milk bottle.

My kids are mixed race, dark skin.
It's not the same.

Not wishing to derail the thread but I'd hazard a guess that if the boats landing on the south coast were full of people who looked like us #cantbebotheredwithchores, I doubt there would be as much of an outcry.

she also said that when she lived in france people would suggest she had arab heritage. and that idea upset her.

being dark or having middle eastern heritage is not bad.

the grandfather sounds like difficult company, but she sounds like she is going to be a controlling partner.

I had a similar experience at 22 with my DHs uncle. He wasn’t racist because we are both white- but he relentlessly needled me about my accent, my job, my appearance and culminating with him saying I looked like street walker. It was mortifying and no one apart from my DH who I’d only been going out with for about 2 months said anything. It was all excused with you know what he’s like and he was trying to be funny. Every time I saw him it was the same. We refused to have him at our wedding which caused uproar. Interestingly he got dementia and his obsessive dislike of me was then reframed as he’d had been going “odd” for years. I have no idea if that was the case but 30 years later I can still remember the excruciating embarrassment and humiliation I felt when all I wanted to do was impress these people I’d never met before. Your father has no diagnosis so he’s just a rude old man. If you think he’s got dementia get him a proper diagnosis.

Yes I think that’s fair enough. The op and other long standing memories ought to have told him to pipe down though. The onus was not on the girlfriend