AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

The important thing here is the intended attitude behind the words.

As someone who is disabled I have had all sorts of comments. I can tell a mile off the ones where people really mean to hurt and the ones that are just clumsy.

It would help everyone if your son could appreciate this difference.

I don’t think your dad meant anything nasty. Unless you know him differently?
Commenting on her skin tone was rude. Lacking in manners.

Was he being racist? Which is how it has been taken.
And your son and his girlfriend have thought the worst.
But, it is the attitude behind the words that matters.
He is old and as you say not entirely alright these days. So any filter isn’t there.
I think he was just talking out loud and was curious about her background.
I don’t get the impression he meant to suggest anything more by his comments.

Someone really racist ( and I met one of those once, really really racist,) would not have even spoken to her at all. And probably left the house.

I would talk to your son again and to his girlfriend. You don’t want a Harry and Meghan situation and some sort of separation over what I can glean sounds like a misinterpreted remark.

Dementia is a sliding scale like any other condition, plenty of people in the early stages can remember things longer than 5 minutes.

But more importantly- he doesn’t actually have dementia! OP is claiming he does but that seems like more like an excuse for his rude remarks so she can continue not to address them with him. It sounds like he’s losing his filter as many do with old age, but that doesn’t mean he has dementia and can’t be corrected.

He also may never have had a filter.

She has an accent, not a speech impediment.

I'd be falling around laughing! I'm confident enough in my own - tall, sturdily built, quite hairy - self to take other people's perceptions as their own thoughts, of little consequence to me. And I was confident in this way as a young woman, albeit sorely lacking in more superficial types of confidence. FYI, I have actually been taken for a man in countries (plural) where women are much smaller than I am. I laughed.

Other people's thoughts do not define us. I'm getting increasingly fed up with what seems to be an epidemic among younger people, who seem unable to exist as their own selves independently of external feedback. OK, selfie culture and social media, etc, but for crying out loud! Under very slightly different circumstances, this would be classed as a mental illness.

A father, already in need of full-time assistance in his later years (he lives with his daughter), is losing his social filter. It happens. To take his words so personally implies deliberate intent to belittle, of which there is no sign. Either the pair of them are too selfish to bother even trying to understand, or they're both so mentally fragile that they feel themselves defined by some bloke's random blurts.

It's pathetic. If they don't make an effort to grow up a bit, they're in for a life of unnecessary distress.

By the age of 87, my dad no longer knew who I was. He wasn't doing it deliberately!

I think your son and his girlfriend need a gentle chat about how ageing can affect people's perceptions and especially, their "filter" on what they say. As at least one pp has pointed out, age-related dementia (which your dad possible has the beginnings of) really does change the person's ability to understand how to speak to other people.

Grandad may just be an asshole might of always been.

Old people who are assholes most often were young people who were assholes.

You don’t suddenly become saintly because you aged 😅

Op said there is no diagnoses. Much as Mumsnet likes to give everyone one.

How do you KNOW he doesn't have dementia?

Was he always a rude cunt, @Triniette ?

😂ridiculous comparison

Wrong thread 😅

I agree with this, though, if neither OP nor her H tried to stop him and/or apologise for him in the moment. Regardless of underlying cause, her dad was rude and, as hosts, it was their responsibility to show consideration.

Yes, this.

It sounds like a generational divide (not the racist comments the understanding of the cognitive differences in those ages). Whilst I would be hurt if a partners family member said that to me (I'm half indian), knowing the situation with the parent in question you'd hopefully be more understanding. I've heard casual racism from older people and there is a clear difference between malicious racism and just some people being from a different generation. When you get older you learn which ones to get outraged about. I actually find racial microagressions much more damaging and offensive but of course depends very much on tone and delivery. Generally this kind of 'racism' just makes me chuckle - so retro 😆

Some older people suffer more from cognitive decline, while others don’t.
I don’t think you can compare like this.

I suspect the actual comment has been toned down a bit and it probably came off sounding a lot more racist than commenting on how tan she looks. 🙄 That’s fair enough. As the girlfriend, I wouldn’t be comfortable being put in that situation either. And your son obviously doesn’t want to come without his girlfriend, so he’s not coming. Make plans to see them away from racist grandpa.

I think this is the best way forward for now.

You can of course see your son and his girlfriend without Dad being there. Go out or something. But that then becomes a sort of acceptance on your part that Grandad was a vicious racist who intended to hurt. Really ?

Your son is 27. Some judgement is required here on his part.

OP you seem to be minimising what this poor girl felt.

She is perfectly entitled to feel upset that someone chose to make remarks about the darker colour of her skin and her accent!

The fact that this is an elderly man does not mean it is any less hurtful for her...

She must have felt very unwelcome in your home and your son is perfectly right to say that he does not want her to go through that again.

No one should have to put up with racist/xenophobic behaviour.

Apologies for my mistake; does it actually change anything? Both an accent and a speech impediment are largely out of the speaker’s control, quite likely to be something that they are already self-conscious of, and very rude for anyone else to comment on.

It seems he singled the girlfriend out though. If it was due to cognitive decline everyone would be on the receiving end of his comments. He only picked on one person, who happened to be foreign.

I immediately knew on reading the OP that there would be more to it. There always is in these situations.

Or grandad has always been like this (his other grandchild also agrees with DS) and this was the last straw. OP is too busy to minimise and “what’s he like” . You’d be surprised at what some people are prepared to overlook and excuse because “he’s my dad/mum” even at the expense of their own children. Been there, done that.

In spite of OP's minimising and excusing, the son and daughter have good values and boundaries. They will hopefully continue to support each other and son's girlfriend. OP has some thinking to do if she wants to continue to have a relationship with her son.

I'll hazard a guess that's because she was the most interesting person in the room. The others are well-known family members.