AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

He didn’t ask where she was from though did he? He refused to accept she’s half French and half Italian because she is too dark. Repeatedly. Like she’s too stupid to know or lying about it. And OP merrily let it go on , on top of his comments about her weight, height and accent.

And now she’s all wide eyed faux naïveté “how did this happen”?

@Triniette
This really stood out to me : "dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings".

Is your son aware that his granddad has some cognitive decline? That's key to this whole situation. If he is not aware, then you need to spell it out clearly. If he is aware, then again you need to have another conversation about how granddad doesn't have a diagnosis but he is not himself anymore.

No white British person has ever pronounced my foreign name right. I say nothing so as to not be OTT or be accused of being a snowflake.

But your dad decided to attack a foreigner for her accent. You should have stopped him.

Just a bit of casual racism. Nothing to see here. Blame the victim.

Exactly. That poor lass getting interrogated like that.

Was GF always a racist old bully? That’s the key.

‘There’s no point in correcting someone with dementia’. Firstly, everyone with dementia is different. He doesn’t have a diagnosis and there is no indication the OP’s dad will forget what is said 5 minutes later.

Even if he does have dementia you don’t go from cognitively able to losing your short term memory in a day, it’s a degenerative disease that can be slow.

This is so sad. I really feel for you OP.
It really isn't easy coping with dementia if that indeed is what your father has. I've seen elderly patients who have lashed out and physically hurt their little GC, completely out of character.
DS and GF are obviously hurt, she must have been humiliated. It would have been helpful if grandad was challenged at the time by yourselves, did you all just smile along with him or shuffle uncomfortably?
It's not just grandad who needs to apologise, the incidents happened in your home, she was your guest and she left hurt. For that I'd be sending her some flowers and writing a card explaining that unfortunately your father appears to be lacking the capacity to understand his actions, that you understand why she doesn't want to see him again, that you are very sorry she was upset in your home, and that you hope to still build a relationship with her.

Then I'd try to get your father for a proper memory assessment because you can really only claim dementia if the person actually has it, it isn't a term to be bandied about to excuse shit behaviour.

I do wonder what sort of a grandfather your dad has been? Was he always a bit bombastic? Because it does seem unusual for your son to walk away from a relationship with him if he has otherwise consistently been a fabulous grandad.

My family is mixed race. TBH, if we had a racist family member, I'd avoid them too. Especially if they were elderly. It's very difficult, trying to change people with racist ideologies. Just look at the royal family!

You need to make an effort to see your son outside of your home. Without your father. I appreciate he's your dad, he's elderly, won't be here for much longer. But your son doesn't have to tolerate his racism.

And maybe you should tell your dad why he isn't seeing his grandson anymore. It might be the one thing that could sway his thinking.

I disagree....by attending, he is giving the message that he condones the grandfather's behaviour.
I actually think his loyalty to his girlfriend is admirable.
My mum used to excuse my dad's stupid comments due to 'his age' and it really pissed me off. He was the same in that no responsibility was taken and apologies weren't ever heartfelt.
As a society we need to hold the older generation to account for such insults, not just laughing or shrugging it off because they are older or of a different generation, which are unacceptable WHATEVER someone's age.

They’re drawing a boundary, and I think you have no choice but to accept it. You have my total sympathy - I also have my 85yo dad living with me (Alzheimer’s) and one of my kids is non-binary, so I’m sure you can imagine that we’ve had our moments too.

You have done nothing wrong, but your son and his girlfriend aren’t wrong either. I think your best route to a strong relationship in the future is to accept their boundaries with grace and understanding, and talk to them/see them away from your dad when you can. It’s really tough ((big hug))

It sounds like your dad was repeatedly rude to her so I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go back, she's not related to him so she has no reason to just put up with it because he potentially has dementia.

Does DS know that his GD potentially has dementia and that may explain his behaviour? Has he not noticed the change too? Perhaps he could visit sometimes without his GF? I wouldn't go back if I was her either though.

This

We have so much public information about a plethora of illnesses, what to look out for, how to support, but dementia which is really common is overlooked or just seen as someone getting frail and doddery. People's brains regress to the degree they are not in control of what they're doing or saying and can be shocking and offensive. But they are ill and people need to have empathy and understanding about that.

your sons girlfriend is racist. she was horrified and offended because someone thought her skin was dark.

your father obviously shouldn’t have made a comment like this, because we don’t comment on appearances. but i think the gf should be examining what she is so offended.

Drip feed alert!

I wouldn't have let a parent move in in those circumstances anyway. Was your H on board with this decision?

This thread is full of disgusting racism and minimising of racism. In OP's shoes, I would have told my parent to shut his disgusting mouth or I would put him in a residential home. I would not allow a parent to drive away my adult children. I see we live in an era of racism revival though, with everyone collectively saying that highly offensive racism comments, aren't really racist at all.

As someone who is VERY pale with auburn hair I get comments all of the time. I laugh and say I wear a little bit of dove summer glow on my legs so I am not blinding people with the brightness!
Then get on with my day…..because it’s true! I am very fair skinned its genetics!

Did anyone at the gathering at the time of the comments say ‘dad/grandad stop it, that’s rude!’ Or ‘you can’t say that, it’s too personal/ comes off as very racist’

Because if they didn’t then I get the girlfriend’s feelings, that your family is not a safe space for her and that she is seen as fair game- there would be anxiety about what more could be said another time.

However, your son or his gf could also have said ‘that’s offensive’ at the time of the comments.

I’m not a fan of going away and THEN deciding to react and shun.

That was a large number of personal comments, no wonder she felt uncomfortable. Did you not say anything to stop him?

Your df meant no harm. It was a clumsy comment by an old man who grew up with different standards.
I can understand why the gf is uncomfortable, and your ds has to tread a fine line if he wants to be with her long term.
A compromise is that he comes to your home when she is away doing something else. Perhaps that will happen. Or their relationship may end.
Either way, don't feel hurt, this isn't about you or the welcome you offer. Your ds is in love and dealing with a difficult issue. I think it will resolve itself. You can meet them.away from your home until it does.

Did you read the drip feed.

OP, I wonder if you would be so minimising if it was your FIL instead of your father. Dementia is hard but, just as you would with a rude child, you whisk away your father if he is rude. Be quite clear why you are doing it. Tell your Father that if he is going to make rude comments to guests he will not be welcome at family gatherings. You pull him up on his rudeness in front of guests then reinforce it in private.
Just as a pp suggested, replay the scene in your mind with your FIL making such hostile comments to you as a young girl friend.
My mother died of dementia. It is a horrible disease. We were all careful to monitor her reactions with people who were not family. She was never racist just inclined to ask people if they were her mother or sister( long dead). She was also increasingly frightened of unfamiliar people.
It sounds as if your father is just at the start of the dementia journey. It gets much, much, much worse. We took our son’s girlfriend to meet my MIL in her care home. We very much prepared our DIL and there was absolutely no pressure to visit and meet her. Our DIL was brilliant, all of the residents were so curious and wanted to say hello. I was worried it would be intimidating and suggested that my son take her away as soon as it was difficult. My DIL was lovely to them all. Three of the four grandparents had degrees of dementia towards the end but none of them were racist just very confused. I made it clear to my DIL how grateful we were for being so understanding. My DIL is a wonderful woman. Watching her holding my MIL’s hand and listening to her, confirmed that my son was a lucky man.
It sounds as if your father has always been rude. Don’t allow it. Be very nice to your son’s girlfriend. I would send flowers and apologise like mad on behalf of your father. Make it clear that you enjoyed meeting her and thank her for visiting.

To be fair, comments about being pale, don't carry the same baggage as those about darker skin.

Gosh I feel very sorry for the girlfriend.

poor girl.

in terms of advice on moving forward:

you might (might!) be able to persuade your DS that grandad has cognitive decline and because he is ill you would really appreciate it if he overlooked his behaviours. Depending on how much cognitive decline there is there may be no point in addressing it,

I did tell my mum every time she made remarks about how fat I was/how fat my dd was that that wasn’t acceptable any more and she did eventually stop.

however to your DS’s girlfriend she has no relationship with him and he’s just a stranger who makes multiple extremely personal remarks.

in the circumstances I wouldn’t be spending any more time with family if the grandad always had to be there.

i’d suggest meeting up outside your home and without granddad.

They absolutely do not.
I hope I don't have to explain this.