AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

Simply, because no one has to avail themselves to the company of someone that they don’t like, for whatever reason. No one has to accept poor treatment because the person giving it cannot help doing so.

The concept of equal opportunity does not apply to personal relationships. We are all allowed to discriminate in our personal lives, and unless you treat all people the same no matter the relationship, we all do. No one is owed access to, or a relationship with, someone that has no wish to provide it

HE HASN'T GOT DEMENTIA FFS!

No, it isn’t. The unprompted rude comments are what made her that, not her (rather sedate) reaction to them.

What she owes to herself is whatever she feels most comfortable with. That walking away may not be your preferred way of dealing with something, is irrelevant. It only needs to work for her. A refusal to accept poor treatment by walking away and not engaging further is not ‘playing victim’.

That being said, we don’t actually even know that she isn’t prepared to suck it up for the sake of family harmony. For all we know she is, and it’s OP’s son that’s decided he’s had enough of dealing with his grandfather and is unwilling to put his girlfriend in that position again.

You keep trying to frame it as if her boyfriend only has a problem with how she was treated because she does. He’s angry at his grandfather in his own right, and it’s this that he has expressed to OP.

Oooh guilty pleasure. That is very funny and very clever. His numbering system is pure genius.

Of course compassionate understanding does not mean she has to put herself in a situation where she feels awkward - it is her choice. It's no different than if she was an raging homophobe that refused to meet say her boyfriend's lesbian mother or vice versa - again it's her choice.

Lastly I don't think either the alleged ableist girlfriend or the alleged racist grandfather are particularly going to miss out on not seeing each other. But the mother and son will miss out on not seeing each other as a result of two other people's disagreement.

So in addition to ableism you are now denying his disability exists at all (unless of course you are qualified doctor that knows the grandfather).

Do you also think that people in wheelchairs or mobility scooters are also faking their disability and just need to get up and walk??

Honestly the level of ableism on this thread just sinks lower and lower. If the same attitudes were shown on racism or sexism then MN would have this thread shutdown pdq. But for some reason it's all ok and open season for posters to criticise / ignore disabled people.

I haven’t been on the thread in a a bit but having spoke to my son more we have made an understanding.

I think your homophobe example is a fake equivalence

A homophobic person who is offender or hurt to merely be in the presence of a gay/lesbian person, is reacting to just their existence, they aren’t insulted by anything they are doing to them, but merely how they life their life.
That is very different to my sons girlfriend, she is not insulted because he has a disability and merely by the fact that he has a disability, but that he made multiple back to back comments that made her feel unwelcome, judged, prejudiced against and uncomfortable. This isn’t her being offended purely by the company of a disabled person but by the impact their actions have on her, and her own sense of security.

We have reached a compromise now, my son explained there were more comments when I was in the room and I understand why they have chosen as they have.

Since you mention wheelchairs and mobility scooters would you expect someone to put up with racist or any other kind of abuse from a wheelchair user or would that be ablist too? The girlfriend has no obligation to the family at all and is perfectly entitled to stay away for any reason she likes. The only person she actually knows is the OP's son.

Oh matt walsh? Of course. You should be more choosy about who you let walk through your brain.

Don't be so utterly ridiculous. OP said he's forgetful. He hasn't even seen a GP about it. You cannot simply announce that a person has dementia. Pack it in with your ridiculous accusations.

Ultimately it is entirely your son and his girlfriend's decision whether they choose to visit or not. It's up to them.

If we take the homophobic example say your son's girlfriend was an Islamic or Christian fundamentalist that believed homosexuality was a sin against god and would see their "gay behaviour/ lifestyle " as an insult to their own religion. Would that make it any different? And if not isn't that Islamophobic for not taking their religious views into account?

The only reason that you see this as a ridiculous accusation is that maybe you are looking at it from an able bodied position of privilege.

Perhaps if you had suffered years of ableist discrimination then you might have a different perspective.

Maybe you should check your privileges before commenting?

You’re missing the point.
She could be offended, choose not to be around them whatever, that’s her choice and ultimately so long as their legal rights aren’t being violated, she isn’t verbally or physically abusing them, refusing to give them a job purely based on sexuality then her choice in who she associates with is hers.
In the case here though something is being done to her, it’s not a case of someone else’s existence abstractly offends her, it is words and actions (it transpires after talking to DS), done specifically to her, that single her out from the room, hurt her and make her feel unsafe.

Does your father have a history of casual racism, something your son may have picked up on and has now decided to act upon it due to the circumstances.

My in laws drop their non racist (racist) opinions into conversation occasionally and I always call them out on it. My teenage son is aware of how they are and I reckon would take avoiding action if he felt the need to do so

I'm guessing whatever your son has told you has made more sense and you no longer consider their actions to be unreasonable
Hope there is a solution so that you can maintain your relationship with your son outside the home.

I'm reporting you. You just cannot go around making baseless accusations of discrimination and prejudice. A person cannot self-diagnose with dementia and nor can a family member. He's old and forgetful. OP will not clarify whether he was always rude and racist.

Actions too? What happened?

HOW DO YOU KNOW? FFS

I don’t really want to get into the details of it, as obviously there are now some issues as a family we need to discuss and figure out, but touching her when she walked past, in a way she did not like, more than once.

Because the OP said so.

Do you think your dad has dementia, or the beginnings of it OP, or has he always been like this?

If it is new behaviour because of illness/old age then I think your DS should continue to visit him alone. If this behaviour is down to his personality that’s very different.

If this is abnormal behaviour you should consider consider contacting your GP and getting a diagnosis for him. Most of this thread has been a does he/doesn't he have dementia. It may open up some support options to help you care for him as it will only get more dificult if he does have dementia and this is how it is affecting him.

Anyway - leaving aside the victim hierarchy(!) - let's remember that the older generation were brought up on the rule that personal remarks are rude. It was drilled into them. Even if they never considered it racism or sexual harassment or even thought about those concepts they'd undertsand it's extremely rude to comment on someone's skin tone or body size, fat or thin. OP I guess your father either never learned that rule or he's lost it due to age and infirmity.

If anything it was the next generation who complained how stuffy the old-folks were about strict good manners, us cool youngsters could just be honest and say whatever we felt. As long as we had good intentions we could say whatever we liked.

That's worked well hasn't it? Now we have to label everyone's intentions as racist or sexual harrassment or whatever, just to decide if what they're saying is rude or not.

Oh no so he really was the creepy grampa.

He touched her, kept going on about her body, how pretty she is.

As well as his skin tone comments and taking the piss about how she said your son’s name.

You don’t have to, apologies for the intrusive question actually, but I had some suspicions, and others did too throughout the thread and didn’t want to just assume. Is this completely new and out of character for your dad ? If yes, you should contact the GP with a list of “symptoms” and get the ball rolling. You might need a lot more support yourself if he indeed has dementia and rapidly deteriorating.

As for your son and hos gf, I’m sure that your new attitude, acceptance and understanding towards what happened, will help to forge a good (even close) relationship in the future, even if it’s not in the way you envisioned(in your home).