AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

You think dealing with problems as they arise makes you a doormat, but walking away is dealing with it- cost benefit anaylis is best left in public inquiries, which it was designed for rather than in personal relationships.
Her boyfriend's grandfather is a first degree relative of her boyfriend- so if she has any feelings for the boyfriend at all a better strategy the walking awazy is required-if you are a human being not a quantity surveyor.

She didn't stick up for herself though

She was meeting her boyfriend’s family for possibly the first time, @Thechaseison71 - she certainly hasn’t known them for ages - so probably didn’t feel that she could be direct in the moment - but by saying she doesn’t want to meet the grandad again, she is standing up for herself imo.

I think avoiding people that bring nothing positive to your life where you can is a good life decision. This man isn't likely to change even if she does stand up to him. I don't see what good she can do here.

I agree and I bet if she had, OP would likely be complaining about how rude the gf was and how dare she talk to her father that way when he was just ‘complimenting’ her since she and her husband didn’t see anything wrong with his comments while her son and daughter did.

Regardless, the son’s made a decision and I can’t say I blame him. It also doesn’t sound like the son is particularly close to his grandfather anyway and/or the grandfather has always been like this and in the nine years he has lived with OP maybe has gotten worse, who knows, probably not the first time he has made similar comments to past girlfriends that OP didn’t think anything of.

Not sure why the son should be expected to just deal with it when he doesn’t have/want to. Intent doesn’t always change impact. You can understand that someone may have a reason but it doesn’t mean you still have to put yourself in a position to spend time with them.

What is the discrimination? What right has the grandfather been denied? Is he being paid less? Is his status as s legal resident being denied?

The gf is exercising her right not to associate with him. Is that a violation of his rights? Point me to it in the UN charter. Or anywhere else.

It can apply both professionally and personally. Understanding when a relationship is worth pursuing, and recognizing when it isn’t, is quite the useful skill to have in life.

Having feelings for someone does not mean you’re required to subject yourself to their unpleasant extended family. Not that he’s even asking her to, given that he doesn’t seem to particularly like or want to deal with his grandfather either.

The girlfriend did not stick up for herself- so she is playing the victim, the son saying something is not her sticking up for herself.

She isn’t ’playing’ anything. I also wasn’t aware that victimhood, real or perceived, was determined by whether someone fought back at the time of the offense. That’s probably because it isn’t.

It is unfortunate she didn’t directly tell him to fuck off, but she is doing so by refusing to subject herself further to him. She owes him nothing.

So let me get this straight- you think just walking off is sticking up for yourself? and that having been (apparently) mortally offended, not mentioning that is an appropriate way of dealing with this?
You don't feel just walking off and not dealing with it doesn't whiff of victimhood?
I have no idea how victim hood is defined- but I know someone who takes offence and makes no effort to defend themselves is keener on being a victim than trying to work through problems, is cowardly.
The granfather certainly didn't cover himself in glory-but the girlfriend equally did not either.

I said choosing not to engage any further is dealing with it. I personally am quite confrontational, but I’m not so lacking in imagination that I cannot understand that other people deal with things differently. She’s dealing with it in the way that best suits her, which is all she needs to do.

He isn’t owed her time, a conversation, or an opportunity to ‘work things through’. They don’t in fact have to get on, or have a relationship with one another at all. That may not suit OP or her father, but that isn’t the girlfriend’s problem.

Still not sure how her boyfriend taking offense at how she was treated, and taking action he sees fit to, is her playing victim.

Sorry OP, it must be awful dealing with a parent with dementia, and I hope you see your son and his GF outside the house.

Also, YIKES, fellow white folks you absolutely have no place chiming in on whether someone with darker skin than you has experienced racism. If you don't think this is the case, educate yourself.

This is so much nonsense. Why is it the GF's job to re-educate this creepy old racist who potentially has dementia? Walking away is by far the best thing to do here. Are you suggesting she should have fought with him???

So any victim, be it of a crime or other nature, is a coward if they don't fight back? Good to know.

In that case, I'm a coward. Victim of domestic abuse as a child; both suffering it at the hands of parents, and witnessing parent-on-parent DA. It's left me with an lifelong fear of confrontation. I will also clam up/freeze/walk away.

If I was this GF, meeting the family for the first time, there's no way I'd start a fight with his elderly grandfather and parents, especially when English is her third language. I'd simply walk away. She's in a relationship with OP' son, not the family. That's what she's done. All credit to the son for supporting her.

It’s a shame you have so little understanding of cognitive decline in someone who sounds like they’re starting with dementia.

So tell us, what should someone who has been harmed by racism in the past, and then finds herself facing it again in an already stressful situation, do other than walk away?

You're supposed to just stand there and take it, apparently. "Banter" back. Apparently. 🙄

I think some folk enjoy picking fights more than others even if it's a pointless thing to do.

And apparently that’s “brave”. I see it in the arguing with a pigeon category.

I wouldn't expect her to argue with her boyfriend's family who she'd just met. Far better to just stay away from them. She has done nothing wrong.

I don't know about brave but they must get some sort of ego boost from doing so.

No she's playing the victim by not dealing with it- I don't know why you keep pushing the idea she doesn't owe the grandfather anything- of course she doesn't she owes it to herself, it isn't a question of being confrontational- shutting down and walking away is casting yourself as the victim , who needs other people to fight your battles for you.
You have proved people are very ready to fight her battles for her, but it does nothing for her- walking away is avoidance.

@Laurmolonlabe
You may ask the same question of @Triniette
She doesn't seem to want to deal with it either - beyond bewailing the fact that her son has said they don't want to come to her house again. She knew what her father is like, she didn't stop him making personal remarks towards a young woman he was meeting for the first time and her only intervention was to ask him to apologise which she admits he did insincerely. Why are you putting all the blame on the young woman?

The gf was meeting the family for the first time so we don't know how long she has been with OP's son. She owes them nothing, if she doesn't want to go there again she doesn't have to.

So how exactly would you have dealt with this situation (exact words and actions) ?