AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

OP’s son doesn’t have to put up with him at all. Demonstrably.

How was the gf supposed to “banter back” to the 86 year old man?

They’re not her relatives and looking around Mumsnet, there are plenty of people who won’t tolerate this behaviour anymore. I know I don’t.

He wasn't the girlfriend's relative but I disagree with what you say anyhow. I am probably nearer to the grandfather's generation and I would neither make my grandson's friend uncomfortable in this way or put up with someone else doing it.

Just because you put up with it doesn’t mean the next generation hasn’t learnt from your mistakes and won’t put up with it just because you did.

Times change. Lots of things that adults had to put up with because their parents did it and their parents did it so now it’s their turn doesn’t happen anymore because someone had enough of that crap and said nope that stops now.

That's not the way most 24 year olds think.

Your Dad made her uncomfortable. Cognitive decline or not, she was still made to feel very uncomfortable during the first ‘meet the family’

Old people seem to get a pass for saying inappropriate and racist comments. I personally wouldn’t want to sit at a table with someone who couldn’t stop commenting on my appearance, whilst the family looked on quietly.

Well done to your son for sticking up for his girlfriend.

I totally agree that the racist comments are unacceptable. But why do you think that it's OK to discriminate against the GF for his dementia and not make allowances for this? Would it be OK to discriminate against someone with Tourette's for making inappropriate comments and not make allowances for this?

Dementia often results in suffers making inappropriate comments.

It seems that this situation simply highlights the victim pyramid where racism ranks above disability.

Not sure the dementia is the real issue here. It doesn’t sound as if the woman was warned that this might happen, nor did anyone try to shield her from it, on her first visit to the family. In any case it’s become clear that it wasn’t an isolated comment and whoever is writing about this incident is saying they think the comments were fine. I might be understanding of a situation where someone wasn’t in their right mind but I wouldn’t stick around where nothing was done or said about it.

It seems that this situation simply highlights the victim pyramid where racism ranks above disability.

It highlights that the op and her husband felt there was nothing wrong in any of the comments made to their son's girlfriend and they are not disabled. The only person to actually speak to the grandfather asking him to stop, was their son.

He doesn't have dementia and hasn't been discriminated against. On the contrary - a fuck ton of excuses have been made for his appalling behaviour.

@bigboykitty
Totally agree.

Exactly what discrimination is happening here?

The girlfriend was made very uncomfortable by the comments that were made, and I believe she has every right to want to avoid putting herself into that situation again. Her boyfriend is doing the right thing by supporting his girlfriend - I don’t think anyone would say he should be telling her to just put up with his grandad’s comments.

But it is a difficult situation for @Triniette - I do understand that. She loves her dad and loves her son, and is in a situation where it is almost impossible to make both sides happy.

Well she isn't going to get very far in life if she takes offense all the time,l would definitely have pushed back,but just taking huge offense and cutting themselves off from a close relative is spineless,if you dislike a comment saying so and why rather than just slink off playing the poor victim.

@Laurmolonlabe
She will go very far in life if she has the courage to stick up for herself. She will never be one of the doormat martyrs who are so commonplace on MN.

if you dislike a comment saying so and why rather than just slink off playing the poor victim. and if you read the op's posts you will see that her son did say something to his grandfather who stopped and then 'started up again'.

The girlfriend doesn’t need to visit - she’s not a family member. She can do her.

Th OPs son should visit his GD. He is family. And his GD is obviously losing it.

I’m sure they’re not joined at the hip.

No, but she’s not family, so didn’t need to visit.

I agree.

Taking offense to this =/ taking offense ‘all the time’. That’s quite the wild extrapolation.

The grandfather was told at the time. Not sure why she won’t go far in life because she’s not interested in dealing further with her boyfriend’s grandfather.

Not dealing with remarks you don't like us cowardly,being cowardly is not great for getting on in life.

Do you exclusively think in absolutes?She’s an adult that can presumably conduct a cost/benefit analysis when considering what is and
isn’t to her benefit in any given situation. Her boyfriend’s grandfather is no one to her.

Removing yourself from someone you have no desire nor need to be around or have a relationship with is dealing with it, incidentally.

You’re not advocating for anything other than being a doormat.

Can’t be arsed with that is different to I’m afraid to deal with that.

Why should he? Considering it took ages for OP to actually realise that yes , indeed it was that bad, it’s likely this is not a new thing. Maybe he’s fed up with it all and the meet was the last straw.