AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

I think younger generations see life as too short to go out of their way to get along with difficult family members. I had an older colleague who was always talking about how her (hideous sounding) MIL had treated her poorly since she met her but she still helped her with medical appointments because "that's what families do". This way of thinking is alien to younger people.

I think that’s a good point. I still question why on earth I let my MIL treat me ( & DH to be fair) as she did.

But now SIL is trying her mother’s tricks: her own son is wise to it and DH & I have stepped back too.

Life really is too short.

It wasn't just "a" comment though, was it?! Sounds like it was pretty relentless.

Hello. I am the poster who explained about Islamophobia in France. You said in a previous post that the grandfather could not be expected to know about this. I agree with you. I would have only the vaguest understanding unless I had spent those years a decade ago teaching in south-east France. I shared the explanation to help provide a possible context for the many, many posters who dismissed the girlfriend's reaction as extreme. It's entirely possible that the woman is in fact a total diva who has form for dramatic behaviour and we'll likely never know, but I think the context is likely to be relevant.

We all live in a world with multiple, complex power structures where race, and skin tone, are proxies for privilege. In a world where white supremacy is back on the rise and colourism within communities mean that people bleach their skin with dangerous chemicals it is not possible to make a purely neutral observation about the differing tone of someone else's skin. It simply isn't. I don't necessarily expect an octogenarian with cognitive decline to grasp this. I do think it's reasonable to expect his family to intervene swiftly and, vitally, to understand and not minimise the hurt that his words caused.

OP's updates have made the situation clearer and clearer. Her wide-eyed assertions that 'I thought it was OK because he was complimenting her that she is skinny and beautiful' are flatly disingenuous and push my sympathies even further towards the girlfriend.

If the OP had been transparent from the start there would not have been as much sympathy for the father. She deliberately forgot to mention the relentless negative comments aimed at the poor girl. After being on the same end when I first met my DH as a young girl it hurts and tbh I’m guessing she was astonished that not one of you stood up for her and cut the conversation dead. Agreed my MIL didn’t have dementia but it is still humiliating nonetheless

Dementia, even undiagnosed, does not make people who previously were not misogynist, racist, homophobic or whatever become those things. If they were like that when younger but able to self regulate to a less offensive level then yes, dementia will unmask them. But if they were never like that to start with, dementia won't turn make them so

Let us imagine you are not a normal, standard family. Let us imagine this Frenchie pulled not your son, but a duke or, say, Prince William and the granddad in the family, aka the Duke of Edinburgh, does his usual 'aaahhha, been on holiday?' or 'you are a bit too dark to be called Isobel', etc. etc. The usual shite he was coming up with. Do you think your French guest would have been as indignant or would she bite her tongue and continue to dig for gold? Thought not. This girl is not too bothered about your son and he is besotted, that is all.

Definitely agree with this viewpoint. I am Gen X and have parents in their 70s. My DS has commented once or twice in the past at things said by me and DH. There is no way I would have been able to do this with my parents when I was younger.

I think there is also a tendency to accept/let slide comments made in a family situatuon that we wouldn't accept if said outside of that situation. When i was about 12-16 one of my uncles would always make comments if we were out, about boys who might be suitable for me. These comments wouldn't be made quietly either. I was always mortified especially as I was a tall, gangly, spotty child. My parents never said anything though and I would just be left to deal with it. It can only be a good thing that the younger generation aren't prepared to put up with such crap.

So the girlfriend doesn’t have the mentality of a gold digger…and that somehow reflects badly on her character?

OP’s son was indignant in his own right. He took his girlfriend to meet his family and that’s the reception she got. Of course he’s angry about it.

Speaking from experience i wouldn't cause a massive family rift, i just do my best not to be in the same room as the person too often

If the OPs son decides to prioritise his GF I don't blame him. He's got his whole life ahead of him and at 24 she could be the potential mother of his kids. Of course he should prioritise his future over someone whose behaviour is unlikely to improve.

“this Frenchie”?

OP’s son disagreed with the comments himself and stepped in! OP’s daughter agrees with her brother’s (and hisGFs) reaction.

Why you had to make up a gold digger scenario about the “Frenchie” GF so you can conclude she’s an awful human being that doesn’t care about her bf I have no idea.

What the fuck?

Thank you. I was called out on this by someone else & I thought maybe I hadn't explained myself properly so I am glad you got what I meant.
I am not talking about overt, obvious racism or sexism but more casual comments I didn't think were off that I or their Dad might have said while watching TV are things my own kids have spoken up about.

Young people today are far more aware of this and I think the OP has shown that she isn't because she doesn't see that even the "positive" comments her father made are still not OK.

You are really tipping your hand here! In fact you do think the comments were offensive you just think the ds and his gf have no right to protest or protect themselves from further insult. You pejoratively describe it as having thin skin, and pride yourself or your generation with (supposedly) thick skin but that’s just because your ox isn’t being goredThe french girl has more courage than the submissive types here who bleat that they cheerfully took insults and abuse from relatives or passersby and simply accepted it as the way of the world. She doesn’t choose to submit to insult and her boyfriend prefers her company to his family. Thats not over sensitive or thin skin. Just courage to avoid unpleasant people.

It's alien to me too and I'm 71.

Isn’t that what the son is choosing to do?

He is saying he won’t be near his grandfather, it is not stopping OP and his dad from seeing them outside of it.

Am curious if the son has brought other girlfriends and his grandfather has made comments to them too and this was just the last straw.

Regardless, I can’t imagine being a gf, meeting the family and having someone question my nationality, make comments about my skin, body, eating habits and accent, and then when told it has made me uncomfortable, given a non-apology. Intent or not, still uncomfortable. Can easily see why she wouldn’t want to put herself in that position when he continued anyway before. It would likely be worse, more uncomfortable, and embarrassing if he did it with more family members around.

The son has made a choice and OP just needs to accept it. It is telling though she expects the grandfather to be given grace but doesn’t fully take into account the embarrassment of her son and how uncomfortable his gf is. I think he was given plenty because they could have just got up and left the moment he started up again.

What has this tripe got to with anything?

'Frenchie'? FFS. No wonder Reform are doing well. Is the UK going back to the 70s, with stereotypes like this?

So stereotypes should only work one way, the positive way? Like awww, Mediterranean diet, how nice. Awwww, French wine and cheese, how sublime, like that? Bollocks to that. And Reform are doing well because Labour and Tories are doing shit, I think it was not contested?

Ah ok I didn't see that comment when I replied to your's but have read it now. Being brought up in the '70s and '80s is hugely different to being brought up in the 21st century. Even the '90s to be honest with the whole ladette culture.

Back then a young woman would have been told to be flattered to receive comments about her appearance however uncomfortable she felt. We lived through that but now on reflection can see how wrong it was.

I am surprised the OP can't see that and empathise with her DS's girlfriend.

Those aren't stereotypes any more than Yorkshire pudding or Cheddar cheese are stereotypes.

Gosh, how tedious. Yorkshire pudding is not a stereotype, but Yorkshire pudding is bland is a stereotype. Zee?

I definitely think young people of today are correct up speak up and don't think my generation's way of "putting up with" things was correct.
And I think people my age should also speak up - the OP should have spoken up when her father was saying those things.

My mum will still say quite direct, rude things to me ("Your hair is getting very grey & it makes you look old") but I do call her out on it now. She huffs and says "Don't be so over sensitive".
She has never said anything negative to my children and if she did I would certainly have a lot to say!

Far too sensitive these days.
People have had to put up with comments from relatives for years. Just make light of it and banter back.