AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

You are not the arbiter either- but comment on skin tone cannot in itself be seen as racist if you are rational- it's merely an observation.

The context does indeed matter, and the context was the grandfather saying her skin tone somehow disqualified her from being French. If that’s what you choose to go with upon first meeting someone, it probably isn’t going to leave them with the best impression of you.

The girlfriend is the arbiter of what she does and doesn’t find acceptable, and that she is and isn’t willing to avail herself to. If, as a result, OP’s son doesn’t want to deal with his grandfather either, that’s up to him. Maybe there’s wider context regarding his relationship with his grandfather there too, and this was the last straw.

Yes they are being dramatic and very selfish your dad meant no harm and won't be alive forever. ... He has also apologised.
Absolutely disgusting position to put you in..
Od tell them don't bother coming again even when he's passed away.

Dramatic.

Haven't read the full thread, but the response is over the top and over dramatic.

Your son and his girlfriend need to cop on and realise it was a silly thoughtless comment from an old man, and get over it.

tbh having read all your comments I can absolutely see why she wouldnt want to come back. You dad made more than one personal comment to her. And what kind of partner would your son be if he didnt support her? My mum is 86 and says things now that arent nice ("Im 86 I can say what I want") and I say to her Mum you can think them but dont say them! Whilst I dont believe anyone should be subjected to racist, personal derogatory comments the youngsters these days are very touchy about too many things

Goodness OP each time you comment it shows the situation as being worse and worse. Your first comment seriously understated how bad the interaction was.
Do you really not understand how inappropriate his behaviour was and how deeply uncomfortable it would have been for her to have an elderly man objectifying her like that? And even worse objectifying her in front of a bunch of her potential in laws who all act like his behaviour is fine?
His comments were borderline sexual harassment.
And to answer your question, no most attractive women don't want to be told they're attractive in random social situations. Attractive women want to be treated as people with lives and interests, not treated as scenery or entertainment.

If you are *Reform

Fixed that for you!

The drip feeding from OP is ridiculous! Damage limitation me thinks.

You need to RTFT. Op is drip feeding. Her dad has made lots of other inappropriate comments to the gf, not just the one.

The son's girlfriend has every reason to steer clear of her boyfriend's family. Hopefully he's clear on this too.

Even just the OP's posts - there aren't many.

I'm coming round to drop feeding, it's a way to filter out the posts that aren't ever going to be helpful.

Being easily offended is not useful, the world has not become a more inclusive a nurturing environment, so developing a thicker skin is necessary and pretending the world is other than it is is at best delusional- expecting other people to accept you as special and sensitive is ridiculous , frankly.

So you never get upset or offended by anything, ever?

Especially since she never clarified if her dad has form for this or if it’s all completely new behaviour.

I think you should be able to expect family to be more respectful and the girlfriend is not obliged to be in the company of people who make her uncomfortable.

Agreed. In view of all the drip feeds and the lack of response to this question, I'm assuming he's always been an inappropriate arsehole and the who 'dementia' angle is just an attempt to obfuscate. All adults are in cognitive decline in later life. This does not in any way mean he has an illness that would affect his behaviour.

Seriously? You certainly haven't met " the only way is Essex" type

Many people get offended. But it's a temporary thing not a thing of going to never speak to that person again

It can also be both. Depends on the people involved, the relationship between them, and the level of offense caused.

Right now OP’s son is angry at his grandfather and isn’t prepared to deal with him. Maybe that will change, maybe it won’t. That’s up to him.

Depends on the situation. I work with some total dicks, while I’m polite and civil at work (unlike them), because I have to be, I don’t choose to engage with them socially and I never will. I also don’t engage with small talk or their drama and nonsense. If I met them out of work? It would definitely be one and done.

ETA I cut off my grandfather from life at 14 for a very GOOD reason. I also lost a lot of respect for my father for keeping a relationship with him despite what had happened and his attempts to minimise it. Respect is earned not inherited.

See that's just weird

I was SA as an 8 year old by my grandmother's husband.

I didn't refuse to visit her ever again. She had done no wrong. So why would I punish her?

And I think that's a bit more " offensive" than saying someone is tall pretty and darker skin than they thought for French heritage

It really isn’t weird at all.

Was your grandmother still married to that man, and did visiting her mean you had to be around him? If so, then that’s hardly something anyone should be encouraged to emulate.

I guess it depends on whether she believed you , took your side and got rid of the husband/you didn’t have to see her in his presence. If she didn’t do any of those things and you still kept the relationship, then you’re a better person than I am, which is fair enough.