AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

OP said she has lots of social functions at her house that the son will now not be part of, so I was advising her to make peace with that.

Alternatively, just occasionally why not hold a social function outside of the house? Could OP not meet her son and his GF for dinner at a restaurant? Without the grandfather? Neutral ground.

I'd find it suffocating to think that every family meet up has to be at OP's house.

I find this strange too- why does every social event have to be at one specific person's house?

Thats just weird and if you insist on not changing it, then dont moan about not seeing your son

I’m going to go out on a limb and say won’t attend events outside of her home due to her dad and thus everyone falls inline.

See even saying she was beautiful more than once could seem a little lecherous, and certainly as a young woman I’d have felt very uncomfortable if a man 60 years older than me kept saying it. I mean, he’s only thirty years older than I am now, and if he said it to me more than once in a short space of time I’d find it a bit creepy.

There speaks someone who has never been told they don't belong.

It gets worse. No wonder she doesn’t want to be around him again.

There aren’t any “rights” in competition.

That doesn’t say they want him kicked out.

It doesn’t matter what the cause is. If it makes them feel uncomfortable they can choose not to be around it

They aren’t cutting off contact. Just not going to the house around GF. They can still speak on the phone or see each other elsewhere.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. Whatever the intent, like you mentioned in previous posts, cognitive issues like dementia can limit a persons control over what they say. I can also understand why your son’s girlfriend was upset. What was your sons relationship like with his grandad prior to all this? I think it’s definitely worth having a chat one to one with him and explaining the effects of dementia that he might not have considered (if that’s what you think is affecting your dad?) and then it’s up to your son if he wants to see his grandad on his own or not, and up to his girlfriend if she wants to be in that position again. Regardless, you need to make time to see your son and his girlfriend away from your dad, either as well as or instead of with him. Failing to acknowledge how what your dad said was hurtful to her will definitely affect the relationship, and trying to convince them both not to be offended will not bode well.

Yes, either way it is inappropriate.

He didn’t just call her slim though, he said she must “never eat”. It’s not a compliment.

Would you find a comment like “You’re very plump, you must eat all the time” appropriate?

Thought not. If you’re naturally thin, many people think it’s completely fine to tell you to “eat a sandwich” or ask if you’re taking weight loss drugs, or say charming things like “Ew you’re so skinny” and you’re meant to smile at this and take it as a compliment.

As I said earlier - it's a generational mismatch.
I am guessing you are in the Gen X age group OP and are a bit immune to the inappropriateness of your father's behaviour due to putting up with all sorts of verbal nonsense when you were young.

Your comments show that while you sort of get it you also really don't get it.
I think you need to chat to your son and gf about it and hear why they are upset.

People are trying to tell you on here but I don't think it's helping.
I am also Gen X and I have often had to be "re-educated" by my kids because my tolerance for accepting sexist/racist/homophobic crap is or was way too high.
You need to listen to them because it's not Ok that your father constantly commented on this girl's looks while she was there & maybe you didn't step in and shut it down.

We would have put up with that and maybe not even noticed it for what is was but we are a different generation.

I apologise if you are younger than me but I am going by your dad's age & your comments.

I'm a bit astonished by this, also being generation X - I didn't need my children to re-educate me! None of my friends are tolerant of racism and misogyny and homophobia - in fact gen X are in my experience particularly hard line on misogyny, though I think every generation has a slightly new mutation of institutionalised misogyny if we're honest, including some gen z..

It's not a generatioal mismatch.

Agreed, I’m also Gen X and find this thinking obviously problematic. For what it’s worth, both of my Silent Generation parents knew better than to say shit like that too.

Did you watch Friends & find it funny? The constant homophobia, the "fat" jokes etc?
We all did & didn't really notice it.
The "Does my bum look big in this?" fast show sketches.
Same with certain films of the time.

I remember being chatted up by seedy blokes in pubs, being groped by men, men making sexist comments constantly. We didn't like it but we accepted it.

And at school people teased each other relentlessly for things like being ginger, wearing glasses etc etc

I'm not talking about overt stuff necessarily but we definitely put up with way more than younger people would.
Maybe you were different.

Of course not everyone with dementia is racist.
If someone is racist though, then dementia often disinhibits them and it can be really difficult, especially if they need live-in-care.

I do have more sympathy when they have dementia compared to some clients who are just prejudiced because that's the kind of person they are

Just because we tolerated it at the time or didn’t see the issues 30 years ago surely doesn’t mean that we have the same attitudes now? I look at Friends etc and think “Wow, that aged badly”.

Having read all of your posts I can see why things have escalated and your son has decided to stand by his girlfriend. It’s not up to yoU to decide who should accept (a lot of ) comments on appearance as a compliment, even if you would love to be called slim. It’s all pretty unacceptable and your son knows you’re playing this down. It’s really awkward and cringy and I’m afraid your dad is not coming across well at all with his comments on a young woman’s body. No one should be doing this, and for you to think she should be grateful shows that you don’t really get it at all. I hope that doesn’t sound too harsh but I can’t imagine wanting to be around someone where this was happening and more to the point, people who should know better are actually supporting the behaviour. Very disrespectful to your son, too.

We all have issues, I am not underplaying the GF's discomfort but the overreaction of most posters to comments which are not well considered but are also not racist is out of proportion.
To say you will never see your grandfather again over those comments is wildly out of proportion and every bit as hurtful as the GF may have found the comments. Also the grandfather had no way of knowing there is rabid Islamaphobia in France or that it could be relevant.

No but I do think some middle aged people can brush things off that younger people are offended by, that they have a thicker skin and expect everyone to bounce back & not be offended long term by stuff.

Look at the OP here saying that she didn't really think her father commenting that her son's girlfriend is pretty/tall/slim/ pronounces things oddly is wrong.
She is proving the point I am clumsily trying to make.
When I say my kids had to re-educate me I didn't mean on big, obvious stuff but on more subtle things.

Yeah this is true but obviously us " middle aged" people can't mention about others being constantly offended/ upset/ etc without being shouted down

And who says it's " right " now with current attitudes, Another 20 years and the current lot of views will be slagged off

Look: you aren’t the arbiter of whether the comments are racist or not. The person who was singled out in an all white setting as different/foreign BECAUSE OF HER SKIN COLOUR has the right to decide for herself how she sees those comments. The rest of us are entitled to form our own opinion based on our knowledge of the world and specifically British ways of othering foreigners or people who are cast as out of place.

Shouting for the back row here.