AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

And I should add that something would definitely have been said by me and or DH at the time.

My mum has never been racist, despite being from the ‘silent’ generation when racism was very rife. When she had dementia she never once said anything remotely racist to her all black caring team. It’s definitely not a given that all dementia patients will become racist if they’ve never been one before. I do feel sorry for the carers if they have to endure that, even from someone who doesn’t understand the weight of their words.

@Triniette what was your dad’s personality like over the year’s before he starting showing signs of memory loss.

You think she can stop her husband's behaviour?!

If you are looking after a partner with memory issues it's a lot easier if people come to you. She may be a full time carer?

I’d suggest taking a much more active approach to hosting these parties going forward, making sure that guests are comfortable and happy and are not being verbally attacked by your household members or other guests. Hosting’s hard work and you can’t be everywhere at once, so enlist your husband’s help and your children’s too if they’re willing, maybe even your siblings if they’re often present and have a good rapport with your dad. What’s done is done, so apologise to your son’s girlfriend if it feel appropriate (you and your DH, as the hosts, not the granddad who isn’t even sorry) about what happened the last time she visited and let both her and your son know what steps you’ll take to prevent a recurrence.

As things stand you CANNOT say with any confidence that something like this wouldn’t happen again if the girlfriend came back to your house another time - in fact, it sounds like you believe it likely would. Have you really done everything you can to discourage or prevent your dad from making unnecessary personal remarks (I’m not assuming he has diminished capacity because no one knows at this stage) including telling him to drop the subject, coming up with a code word to rein him in if he “forgets”, distracting him, and even taking him out of the room if necessary?

I understand why the girlfriend feels the need to draw a firm boundary (“I won’t go back”). While these issues are tremendously important philosophically, culturally, politically, and materially, does it really matter for your immediate purposes if granddad’s comments are best categorised as racism, colourism, xenophobia, misogyny, ageism, or some combination? He may have meant none of those, she may have experienced any or all of them. But he was unquestionably rude and she was reasonably and predictably distressed, and that should be enough for you as a host to step in and defuse the situation and actively prevent a recurrence.

As for people blaming/demonising your son for his reaction: you’re presumably a couple of decades older than him with correspondingly more life experience, and you were up all night agonising over this and are here baffled about what’s gone wrong and what you can/should do. Isn’t it likely that he is at least as conflicted and upset as you are and is doing the best he can to make a fair decision without hurting anyone more than necessary? I suspect he’s disappointed in you and DH for allowing this atmosphere to occur and fester, and probably also with himself for not speaking up more strongly or even getting up and leaving. I’d give it a little time to settle and talk with him again but don’t make excuses - look for workable solutions.

I’m sure the op can spare an hour a week for a coffee she has a husband and if her father is really that bad he cannot ever be left at all with zero rest bite care then residential care might actually be better for him.

If it was your partner again and you couldn’t even sit in the garden for an hour with a friend without them with you when you deserve a break residential is worth a look with social services.

Whilst this is true, it's not relevant to the topic of the post.

The inappropriate comments are coming from the poster's father, who lives with her largely because he has very little money not because he can't be alone.

She hasn't mentioned memory issues or him actually needing care or not being able to be left alone - she thinks he has cognitive decline and that this excuses his inappropriate comments, but it's a long way from age related cognitive decline to needing a carer.

Memory issues were mentioned in the second sentence of the opening post.

I’m not sure why she’s being blamed for isolating your son, as if he’s incapable of taking offense and drawing boundaries himself.

He introduced his girlfriend to his family, and his grandfather spent the time they were there repeatedly making comments to her that were, at best, rude. Of course he’s embarrassed and angry, independent of her feelings.

Her first impression of his family is that they are unwelcoming and bigoted. Why would she repeat the experience?

Sorry, you're right, memory issues were mentioned, but being a carer or not being able to be left home alone were not, and it's not the poster's partner but her father.

Her husband is living in the house too and not in any way unwell or unfit by the sound of the posts.

Oh beg pardon it's her Father not her partner. But she definitely does mention memory issues along with other signs of cognitive decline. You'd definitely be considering that persons vulnerability one way or another in your day to day planning. It may not tie her to the house it's just that logistics do change when there's an elderly person to consider. Many people don't go into detail about their caring role they just take it for granted.

I'd find a partner's relative talking about my appearance inappropriate and uncomfortable, particularly a man.

Well that's some people's solution. But I know others who have been determined their relative - partner, or mother or father, won't go into a care home. It's very individual.

As if her son and his girlfriend can be determined to not spend time with him.

Everyone’s choices have consequences.

Firstly what an awful dilemma for you OP!

I think you sound like you totally understand your Son's point and your daughter's but at the the same time it's actually you that loses out by not having your family together in your home.

Your dad comes from a very different generation, and whilst what he said was completely unnecessary, I don't think he really understands the impact of what he said - be it generational or because of his cognitive decline and impulsiveness.

Your son hasn't been with this girl that long - if he chooses to alienate himself from his family and down the line she dumps him - he's going to have missed out on memories he will never get back. But that his choice.

I think all you can do, is explain the challenges you have with your dad's cognitive decline, and the generational differences, but say you can hardly throw him out of the house at 85. That whilst you do not agree what he said was right, you also have a responsibility to care for him, and that you can understand the upset it caused, but that ultimately it is you and your husband he is punishing. Ask him what he would do in your shoes?

If he says he would ask him to leave - then say "I'm disappointed that you can't see the bigger picture and the genuine dilemma that's painful for me to be stuck in." and then just accept his decision. Inform him and invite them to everything regardless, so he can't say there wasn't an opportunity, and just say "Ok, I understand"

I hope he rethinks things over and at least gives his grandad a second chance.

Well for a start if the grand father behaviour was really due to Dementia I don't quite understand why the OP would have not warned her son and girlfriend in advance that his behaviour had deteriorated and that he was likely to make random, often inappropriate comments.

Then the OP and her husband could have made sure on the day that they redirected his attention to something else (''Dad, why don't you watch some tv?'' ''Dad, time for a little nap'') as soon as he started with targeting the girlfriend. The OP could have then apologised to her and made sure she was not too affected by his behaviour.

I think the girlfriend would have reacted differently and would have been reassured that the rest of the family had her back...

Instead nothing was done or said by the OP and she is putting the blame on her son's girlfriend.

So I am not buying the excuses that people keep coming up with.

I think many of us have. But this is a new relationship and it doesn’t mean DS’ new gf has to put up with that every time she goes for a visit, regardless of the reason.

Not true at all. I have dealt with it and am dealing with it! But caregivers snd family members still deserve consideration and protection from elders who may attack, sexualize, or verbally harrass them. If OP wants to make the case that grandpa is non compos mentis she can do that. But then she has to expect that some number of her potential guests won’t choose to be nearby in case his particular form of verbal or mental incontinence hurts them.

I certainly have.

I would accept your son's position and be brutally honesy to say that you are sad, as it means they won't be able to visit the home again unless DGF has moved into nursing care or passed on, but you respect it. DGF is in mental decline and you and DH are caring for him. You understand if that is too much for your son and his GF, but not only is it unlikely to change but if anything could get much worse, so you'll work on making peace with their absence from your lives. As you and DH get older, it's a shame your son hasn't thought about he could help and has gone the other way. All you can do is be brutally honest and real, if they cannot handle being around an aging person with dementia, then that's on them and shows they have some growing up to do, but you can't do anything to change their minds.

So it wasn't the only inappropriate thing he said to her then. He's made multiple comments about her appearance, all of which were negative. Nobody should comment on how another person looks, and commenting on skin colour and nationality IS racist. He also criticised her not pronouncing her partners name properly, which given it is likely due to her accent, is also pretty racist, so it sounds like he just had nothing nice to say to her at all. No wonder she was uncomfortable, especially with the "not" apology, him thinking hes done nothing wrong, and the rest of you making excuses for him. "It's just what he's like" doesn't wash, it's not an excuse. I wouldn't be going back to your house either in her shoes, and i'd have little respect for, (or even break up with) a partner who didn't take my side in those circumstances either.

National service did not end until the early 60s,there were conflicts for most of them.Commenting on someone's physical appearance is presumptuous,but it isn't racist even when it is skin tone.
My Dad worked with Americans who always assumed he is Jewish because he is olive skinned with a big nose,he is actually completely English/Welsh and Cof E.He never took offense,why should this girl? Unless it is she who is ashamed and that is not the responsibility of the comment or.

@Laurmolonlabe bumping this to help you understand

No it is not the son not accepting his grandfather’s decline. It is about OP and her husband allowing the grandfather to make her son’s girlfriend very uncomfortable when she came for the first time. They allowed him to go on and on when they should have stopped him. OP should feel proud of her son for supporting his girlfriend but she just wants to sweep it all under the carpet.
My husband’s family were absolutely lovely to me when I met them for the first time and that is how it should be.

Did you really advise the OP to "make peace with the absence" of her son from her life? Are you seriously suggesting that because the OP's father made constant inappropriate personal and racist comments to the OP's son's girlfriend resulting in the son saying he and his girlfriend will not be visiting the OP at her house whilst the grandfather is alive/ not in a care home yet, the OP should cut her son out of her life?

This is pretty much the dictionary definition of "cutting off your nose to spite your face".

I hope you don't have children whom you'd cut off so eagerly Bluper !