AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

I honestly think a lot of posters on here have never had to deal with an elderly relative with Dementia/Alzheimer’s etc.

You have NO idea.🙄

Does it actually matter why a person behaves the way they do or says what they say?

If that behaviour or words make you feel uncomfortable you are under zero obligation to spend time with them. It’s really that simple.

Even in a work place staff should feel safe as well. Let alone a visit to your boyfriend’s parents home.

She is voting with her feet. Her boyfriend agrees with her.

It’s a cruel world where someone is cut off forever for making a tactless and rude comment. I’m not sure who is the more intolerant - your dad or your son and his GF! People make mistakes, is nobody allowed to get anything wrong any more, they just get cut off!?

Does it actually matter why a person behaves the way they do or says what they say?

Yes it does.

If that behaviour or words make you feel uncomfortable you are under zero obligation to spend time with them. It’s really that simple.
Yes, I agree.

No need for OP’s son not to visit if this behaviour was caused by cognitive decline though, which it sounds like it was.

@TheOutlier
Have you read all the op's updates? Her father made multiple tactless, racist, pervy comments to the 24 year old young woman who was meeting him for the first time and made an insincere apology when forced to.

well yes it does matter a bit....I mean it doesn't mean that either way the GF has to put up with what the grandfather is saying or go to the house again but its one thing to have an unpleasant rude pervy grandfather and another to have a grandfather who has dementia

They are cutting off contact with two close family member because of the actions of one person. That is pretty intolerant and out of proportion

Good excuse for getting out of visiting relatives and spending your time doing your own thing. Let’s hope the son never needs support from family.

Alternatively they could take the time to explain to the grandad why what he did was unacceptable and hope the family moves forward. I don’t have many relatives left myself, I miss them. I think I’d rather stand up for myself but still see them. The son’s approach is very rigid.

This gets worse with every update! OP is it really inconceivable to you that a woman in their 20s might feel uncomfortable after receiving a barrage of comments about her race, accent, size, and how ever so pretty she is from a man 60 years her senior 🤢🤢🤢. The picture you have painted is of a letchy, racist, old sleaze.

You and your husband’s minimising of it makes me wonder if your son’s anger lies more with you two for not acknowledging or challenging the behaviour rather than grandad. You’ve also made comment about your regional accents making the day difficult for her and the way this was worded makes me question whether you have some unconscious biases and racism going on too.

But we don’t know he does and looking at another poster who has a thread about being touched up by men with dementia in a home it feels more like men just letting their Pervy selfs out now they cannot control it.

and again it still doesn’t change the fact the girlfriend is uncomfortable saying oh but he doesn’t mean it doesn’t change how she feels about his words.

It’s always men still can’t say I’ve heard about an older women with dementia being creepy to young men or touching them up. Though I’m sure I’ll get tons of posts about them 😅

I understand. It must be difficult. I do think in general we do too much to accommodate inappropriate and predatory men. Obviously you know what's best in your situation.

The actions of one person and the inaction of another. And the knowledge that the same thing will happen again and again, or escalate, because neither of those people have much insight into their behaviour or the will to mitigate it. One might not be able to help it, the other certainly can.

Neither the op or her husband told her dad to stop with the comments - that was left to her son to deal with.

Also, they did not "cut off contact" with OP. They said they wouldn't go to the house but they didn't say they wouldn't meet her elsewhere or talk to her.

They are not cutting contact. They just won’t go to their home.

Families are complicated. One old git with one foot in the grave should not stop the sane nice ones hanging out with each other

Hmm. Maybe. But the OP and her H need to grow a pair and deal with FIL's awful behaviour.

I know and the OP seems to be minimising what her racist F has said.

It sounds like he was fixated on her and her appearance the whole time and the rest of you were clueless as to how grim and creepy that is. The added comments about her colour, her pronunciation of things, her heritage, would make a lot of people uncomfortable.

She doesn't have to come round, and nor does your son. The racist grandad perving on his girlfriend has put them right off, and you making excuses for him is not really winning them over is it

I have, and I've felt so bad at times for black carers when they have an overtly racist demented client with no filter

I don’t think the girlfriend needs to put up with this behaviour.
I also think a lot of people on this thread are clueless about what cognitive decline or dementia can look like in real life…lucky them I suppose.

I have plenty of idea thanks, my Mum had dementia.

She was told she was tall (no shit Sherlock), she was told she was very slim does she even eat, she was told she said her bf’s name wrong because of her accent.

So if you met your bf’s family for the first time you’d be fine with it being pointed out that you’re fat and did you steal everyone’s dinner? Even if said by the aging gp who may or may not have had form in their younger days.

The apple hasn’t fallen very far from the tree has it!

Well, a new girlfriend doesn’t really matter in the great scheme of long held family relationships. Her absense doesn’t really affect anything.

But, the OPs son should have more maturity and common sense. 🤷‍♀️

OP I think the fact that you are asking this question is a big part of your problem. If your Dad had just commented on her height and attractiveness on first being introduced that may have been ok (although DS's girlfriend may still have felt a bit uncomfortable). However you say that he said these things more than once as well as all the other things he said about skin tone and accent.

You said in your first post that your Dad has been struggling with controlling what he says so it is a known issue. Therefore you and DH should have been hyper aware before and during the visit that this had the potential to happen. You both as hosts owed a duty to your son's gf to make her feel really welcome in your home and i'm sorry to say that you failed in that duty.

I say this as Mum of a DS (25) who has a gf of 2.5 years. She has visited our home with him several times and has met my parents. I would have been mortified on her behalf if my Dad made any sort of personal comments to her beyond making her feel welcome in our home.