AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

Yes, it’s inappropriate. She has come to visit, not have her looks commented on.

OP my apologies and I’m really not having a go, but your multiple similar questions are either faux naivety or this is your first time conversing and interacting with human people.

In case you’re seriously asking, having your appearance dissected to the nth degree is at least annoying, even if there’s perceived “compliments” in there.

Yes, this is coming across as creepy old man territory now OP.

What will be next- him groping her? (but its ok - he means no harm by grabbing her!!)

Did he wolf whistle too?

He was inappropriate everytime he spoke to her - he came off racist and pervy - her first time meeting the family, no wonder she isn't coming back

Please say he didn’t also follow her around and try to make sure he was sitting next to her 😬

Also OP- how do you know he didnt come out with something sexually explicit to her when you left the room or had your back turned?

At no point has anyone suggested that's what happened, what the girlfriend thought, what the elderly man was implying. You can't just assume every comment is malicious. I look Italian, maybe Turkish. Brown hair, tan, brown eyes. I don't consider comments about my colouring malicious.

This thread is keeping going because there are competing rights. The girlfriend was uncomfortable because someone was making unwanted comments about her appearance, whether negative or positive it would feel awkward.
OP is looking after an old man who has lost his filter and forgotten his manners and she’s now having other relationships affected because of his behaviour.
It’s not fun for anyone.
The best option seems to be to not force the issue with the son. I would send a handwritten card to both of them apologising for the grandfather’s behaviour and saying that you are caring for him and he is becoming a bit of a nightmare and can sometimes be confused but that you hope you will have the opportunity to meet again soon, perhaps for a meal out.
I think your son should understand the situation and visit you alone if his girlfriend doesn’t feel comfortable.

The drip feed is reaching waterfall proportions now

Just bumping this for the benefit of the "I don't mind people commenting on my olive skin" posters - and especially the "if she doesn't love being told she's too dark to really be French she's the racist" poster.

Calling out someone for the wrong accent or a different accent is historically both potentially racist and classist as well as a form of regional xenophobia. Its one of the ways the British Upper class have barricaded their privilege against lower and muddle class interlopers, one of the ways in which isolated villages or close countries with political and economic disputes draw wuick boundaries labeling some insiders and some outsiders. If course you know this! Try recalling the mumsnet conflicts over whether teachers or caregivers speak received pronounciation!

It says it clearly in the opening post.

He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there.

The competing rights/ conflict of needs comment is insightful.

Conflicts of needs are always, always extremely challenging and generally both "sides" feel they are the one who should be accommodated by the other, and both have reasons for this, so sharing space can be immensely challenging unless one party accepts a removal of their rights to accommodate the other, which is not great.

Sometimes not sharing space is the best outcome, especially if nobody is able to very vigilantly and actively and sensitively manage interactions (which is hard work).

Meeting elsewhere without granddad is the solution they put forward anyway. Either OP and her husband actively manage any family gatherings much better than the last one, or they keep grandad away from son's girlfriend.

Thank you actually, I guess I hadn’t thought of that element of it.

I absolutely agree with you. It was up to the OP and her husband to deal with this and quickly too.

absolutely this

This!

I am really appalled by how many people seem to blame the girlfriend for over-reacting.

It is bad enough that the grandfather thought it was OK to comment on the colour of her skin and accent. And then on top of that the OP did not do or say anything to stop her father and apologise on the spot.

No surprise that the poor girl does not want anything to do with a family that treated her this way.

And I can't believe how tone deaf people are on this thread when people who have experienced similar xenophobia/racism make it very clear in their posts how hurt they were and how unacceptable the behaviour was.

The OP's posts clearly show that she is minimising what was done and blames her son's partner, rather than actually listening to her son and his girlfriend.

Good on her son for choosing to put his girlfrienc first and refuse to condone poor behaviour.

My early 20s daughter is actually acutely uncomfortable with my fil for similar reasons. It's very uncomfortable - he doesn't have any kind of diagnosis and although in his 80s is unusually fit and active, lives alone (widowed ten years ago) with absolutely and has "lady friends" who are in many cases a couple of decades younger than him.

The way he talks about women generally makes me very uncomfortable - it's not directly insulting but sexualised and inappropriate to the context of family conversation, especially as we have never been close enough to "banter" and DH didn't grow up with that kind of family culture - before mil died he was a completely different and very much pleasanter person!

When he compliments DD it's just "off" and too personal. I support her not spending any significant time with him although I can't avoid doing so myself because dh is the only one of his children who still talks to him so we have to host him for part of Christmas (which means DD goes to her partner's parents from soon after he arrives, which makes me sad because I'd a million times prefer her here than him but I totally understand).

I was responding to someone whose acquaintance said they didn't look British because they were tanned rather than the OP. Saying that a person doesn't look the nationality they are because of their skin colour is racist

That isn't saying they want grandfather kicked they are saying they don't want to visit.

I'm afraid I wouldn't let my DD be pushed out by an inappropriate FIL. I agree with everything else you've said. If he's local, I might let H drop a dinner off to his F, with the clear message 'we can't invite you because you can't behave appropriately'.

That's a really weird interpretation of the words! The natural way to read that in the context of an 85 year old is a softer way to say "while he's still alive and not in a care home" rather than "unless you kick him out onto the streets"!

Yes. I find it immensely creepy.

He lives four hours away. I know - DH and I have had conversations about it and I would prefer not to invite him, but DD is back here every weekend, we still holiday together when she has time, she only lives 45 minutes away and her partner's parents are local. I do two Christmas dinners so we have one with DD on 24th, father in law is invited for dinner on 25th and she goes to her partner's parents for dinner that day.

It's a compromise for DH, not for fil. His mum was only in his 60s when she died and that was really hard.

OP, when an old man repeatedly tells a young attractive woman how pretty she is, how slim she is, how lovely she looks, it comes across as letchy and pervy, not complimentary. I think most young girls would feel uncomfortable.

Your main issue, is that you need to support your son so that you don't alienate him and his GF. Your son should have some understanding yes, but that doesn't mean that he should subject his GF to it