AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

All depends on how op reacts. Mine isn’t too different from ops.

Just it was the relatives partner.

I am guessing its possible he targetted the girlfriend because she is new to him and therefore of more "interest" Stopping and then starting again equally could be a sign of a dementia. Similarly with apologising when told to. There isn't understanding of what he did wrong but he's been told probably forcefully, to "say sorry" so he did. I am not saying that this man absolutely has a dementia, how could I? but nothing that I have read rules it out.

It was the relentless commenting on physical attributes and the way she speaks that would have grated. As a tall person I never understand why people feel the need to constantly point out I am tall. Do they think I had not noticed?!

Take this a stage further. There are Reform and Restore Britain spokespeople who want all Muslims or even all non-white 'immigrants' to be deported. How would you feel about having your ethnicity questioned then? It has happened in my family.

Even if he does have dementia, it doesn't mean that the girlfriend has to sit in a room with him and accept those comments. Especially with only OP's son willing to do anything about it.

@Triniette It might help if your Dad got an official diagnosis of dementia - official 'proof' that he said those things because he's mentally unwell. You might also get some help with caring for him.

Or the son could visit his family without having the girlfriend glued to his side constantly.

Did your father make similar comments to other people/your children. before his “decline”? Look back, Keeping in mind that you didn’t think what happened the other day was offensive either, so you might be immune to it.

Today’s 80 year olds did that did they

And show support to his awful grandad? Nope. He is showing support to his GF and OP can do that too by still seeing her son and his girlfriend away from the offensive grandad.

I think as a young women I would feel equally uncomfortable if a man I did not know seemed to make endless comments on my physical appearance..regardless of their age. I wouldn't wish to repeat the experience.

I can't understand why someone didn't interrupt and tell him he was being rude. If no one said anything at the time it may have seemed his comments were agreed with.

What, they fought and died in 1946? 😕

It’s quite difficult to get a dementia diagnosis. There are waiting lists for both the brain scan ( which was not conclusive in either of my DPs case) or the memory clinic. It also relies on the person in question consenting to go to the GP and for both those things to take place.
The DS surely knows what his DGP used to be like. He could cut his DM who is dealing with this day in and out some slack.

an 85 year old today wouldn’t of fought in anything. They were 4 when WW2 ended.

The son, quite rightly, doesn’t want to see the grandfather.

I’m curious what’s the line?
He also called her beautiful/has a very very pretty face more than once, is that inappropriate too? I just took that as him complimenting her.

Not that poster but he was commenting on her height her weight and how beautiful and pretty she was especially more than once in this one visit he likely came across as a bit creepy as well as racist / rude with his other remarks.

Young women of today don't like a lot of personal comments. My DD gets these a lot from men, and hates it. "Nice dress" is fine. Going on about her looks= avoidable.

Well that's his choice. But if he knows what his grandfather is like( if it's a common scenario ) why did he even take the girlfriend there? Surely he could've invited his parents to their place

Regarding your thoughts about it being nice to hear that you are slim, i think it’s possibly more about an elderly man’s need to comment on her several aspects of her appearance in the first place. It’s completely understandable she was uncomfortable.

Tbh, from my personal experience, you can’t always justify or explain this kind of attitude from elderly people by cognitive decline. Some of them are just like that anyway and are set in their ways. They can more likely to express these things openly that younger generations.

It's all grossly inappropriate.

@Triniette
Yes - any personal remarks are inappropriate. Are you new to MN? There are many posts about women being the target of unwanted comments from men and the general view taken is that the men making the comments are pervy sleazes.

Of course it is. Not to mention creepy.