AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

Fucking hell he’s 85 and most probably has dementia. And he’s apologised.

Your son is being a sanctimonious prick who is trying to play Billy big balls to his girlfriend. Tell him to stay away if they’re both so maligned. He’ll soon be back when he wants something.

What an awful way to treat an old man. You all need to calm the fuck down.

I would speak to my son and work a way forward. Yes she's his girlfriend but his grandad is 85 and if he's cutting contact because of an ill judged comment then that might be a decision that he will live to regret.
He could split up with her in a couple of months and if God forbid something happened to grandad in the meantime.

If she isn't comfortable to come round anymore then he should come on his own.

But that's me. Family first.
X

And he’s apologised - insincerely according to the op.

Well I can’t blame her for not wanting to be around someone who made her feel uncomfortable (by being racist). It’s good your DF apologised but first impressions and all that.

Again - the responsibility is on the hosts to mitigate, regardless of the age and circumstances of the family member without capacity making inappropriate comments.

In this case the 85 year old man has no actual diagnosis and it's only his daughter speculating that maybe he has disinhibition -

but the comments were incessant - he stopped for a moment when his grandson asked him not to say things like that, then started up again - and the hosts did nothing to mitigate, redirect or distract him or to show his target any kind of support at all.

I work with a different client group prone to all sorts of socially inappropriate behaviour including at times violence - it's extremely hard work being hyper vigilant all the time but caregivers absolutely have a responsibility to manage situations and not just expect guests and others to accept being collateral damage.

In this case there was not even a token attempt made to separate grandfather from the young woman he was targeting incessantly and offer her support and reassurance.

Multiple ill judged comments. He picked on her skin tone, her height, her weight and her accent.

He's saying she doesn't look French. He thinks she cant be French because of the colour of her skin. 100% Racist. The gf doesn't have to accept this just because he's old.

"He has no formal diagnosis of dementia and until he does he is being a rude, old man."

so are you saying people don't have cancer/parkinsons/diabetes until its diagnosed?

I’ve cut off an older relative a grandparent. I don’t regret it for 1 minute never have and it was over 10 years ago now. They will be in their 80’s now I think.

Twat 10 years ago no doubt a worse twat now.

yup this.

A lot of people unfortunately loose their filter as they get older. And yes, you can of course tell them that what they’ve said is wrong, but cognitive decline means they sometimes won’t understand or retain that information.
So, whilst I can understand why this woman was offended, I think she’s being a bit ott because in all likelihood, he can’t help it.
I watched my own DGM become like this as she aged, telling people they were really fat or to one poor woman “ohhh, you’re a darkie” 🤦‍♀️ We of course apologised on her behalf but she couldn’t understand what she’d said wrong, even though she would never, ever have said any of those things when she was younger and well.

I hear you but he's from a different generation.

It's not right of course but the family have told him that and he's apologised.
I don't want the OP ruining her relationship with her son.

Not just younger generations. I was born in the 50s and was not brought up that way. I would not expect anyone of any age to put up with that.

Well OP can meet her son somewhere else away from the grandfather.

So basically every generation will get their time to be an unfiltered arsehole and racist and we can all go well it’s their generation they are old now. Poor dears.

Of you don't want the OP ruining her relationship with her son, advise the OP to apologise sincerely for not running interference between grandfather and son's girlfriend and showing her support.

In order to recover the relationship op needs to understand that whilst she may love hosting, shecwas an abysmal host to this young woman, and she needs to give serious thought to how to manage future visits better, should her son and girlfriend agree to give it another try.

The fastest way to ruin the relationship with her son is to blame him and his girlfriend "being sensitive". It's how the situation was (or rather wasn't) handled that has driven them away.

@IAmBeaIDrinkTeamy colleague (kiwi) asked if I'm sure I'm just British because I'm way too dark to be English. I tan really easily. I certainly didn't consider that racist.

What condition? OP states no diagnosis for anything

Okay I haven’t read all the comments, I understand how the comments may have been taken I really do. In the moment I didn’t take them to be offensive, especially not saying she was tall or slim (she is tall and she is very slim, and neither of these are seen as bad traits? Are people really self conscious about being built like a super model??), she’s clearly a very attractive woman, and maybe I’ve misunderstood what can cause offense as I have always been overweight and would have been delighted if someone called me very slim!
As for the other comment about her skin, I do understand how it could have come across, especially the are you sure you’re French/Italian, which I do see is him implying she isn’t white enough to be those ethnicities.
I should have said something in the moment but most of the comments didn’t initially register as offensive ro me.
Same for her accent, I don’t think my dad was being mean about it, more just noting that she says my sons name differently.
I will apologise for having not said something in the moment.
My son is fully aware of my dad’s cognitive decline, so I guess I expected some understanding.

I agree with your son and his girlfriend.

why should you expect understanding from your son when you didn't show any towards his girlfriend?

Team son here

And you obviously had you reasons it happens but in the case here of the OP I hope it doesn't come to that.

I don’t think she was insulted to be seen as Middle Eastern, but rather she was seen as Middle Eastern then on the receiving end of bullying for being in their eyes “middle eastern”, I do understand why she was upset.

I think you need to apply the 30 second rule.

It’s acceptable to say something about someone’s appearance if they can change it in thirty seconds: if they have spinach in their teeth, or loo roll caught on their shoe. It is not acceptable to comment on something that a person cannot easily (or ever) change, even if you consider it a compliment. Tall people know that they are tall. Slim people know that they are slim. They do not need it pointing out to them.