AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

He should have mentioned it? Do you mean he should have warned his family that his girlfriend is darker than a white person so the grandfather wouldn’t get a shock when she appeared?

The comment itself was certainly offensive and unacceptable.

However, this is an 85yo who isn’t all there mentally.

So, what is your son expecting from you - to chuck a sick 85yo onto the street to die? What is his actual solution? Is he going to cut off his sick elderly grandad?

Give him a chance?
He's 85.

He made multiple rude comments and didn’t seem to understand why he had to apologise so it seems highly likely he will do it again.

In my experience, when someone is in the habit of freely voicing offensive opinions (as the grandfather is, the OP said her son “knows what he’s like”), even when you push back, the comments don’t stop. In fact, they usually start to be accompanied by snide comments like “Whoops that’s right, I’m not meant to say that because some people are sensitive”.

Italians are generally comparatively dark skinned, why does it worry her?

OP still hasn't clarified whether or not her father has always been rude, outspoken and racist, or whether this is a new development. I suspect this because she doesn't like the way she's been held to account by some posters. To be fair, so many posters have disputed and minimised the clear racism, that I would think she'd be encouraged to continue being so unreasonable.

In my experience, when someone is in the habit of freely voicing offensive opinions (as the grandfather is, the OP said her son “knows what he’s like”), even when you push back, the comments don’t stop. In fact, they usually start to be accompanied by snide comments like “Whoops that’s right, I’m not meant to say that because some people are sensitive

So true! "Oops, forgot, can't say that nowadays" usually with a roll of the eyes 🙄😁

Does he have form for this in the past- with other people? Your update makes it even worse- sounds like the poor girl was subjected to constant verbal attacks/personal comments at a time when she probably already felt nervous and was navigating meeting her boyfriend’s new family etc.

I can totally understand her not wanting to come back.

Son's girlfriend is a shit stirrer. If she can't understand that an old man with memory issues may say something not acceptable in today's woke standards, I'd be pleased she wasn't coming to my
house. Your son should be standing up for his elderly grandfather and correcting her. The poor man apologised (though I think his comment was inoffensive) and she's refused to accept. Fuck her and I hope your son finds a new girlfriend soon.

My husband is 85 and, I feel, no longer 'reads the room' well. He comes out with things he probably wouldn't have come out with in the past. You need to explain to your son and his girlfriend that your Dad really couldn't help himself. That age group grew up in a different era and I think the brain reverts somewhat. A similar thing happened when my son took his (then) Basque girlfriend to visit his very elderly neighbour.

If the son and his girlfriend refuse to visit the Grandfather because they wish to discriminate against the disabled then legally they are perfectly entitled to do so.

Just as if they refused to visit the Grandfather because for example he was black and they were racist then again legally they would be perfectly entitled to do so.

But in my own personal opinion both cases of prejudice would morally and intellectually unacceptable.

Not one comment. A barrage of them.

i would hope your ds and his gf can change their minds.
your df lives in your house
the gf and the ds will have to be grown up about it.

I take it you didn’t read the OPs update…

Your house sounds like a barrel of laughs.

What’s not grown up about not wanting to be in the presence of someone who makes negative comments about your skin colour, height , weight and accent?

Or do you mean grown up as in people pleaser and door mat?

I think the suggestion is that OP’s dad may have onset dementia. We all deserve a little more tolerance when we get to that stage in our lives, don’t we?

Then you dont understand discrimination. Discrimination is the unfair or unequal treatment of a person or group based on characteristics such as race, sex, age, disability, religion, sexuality, or other protected traits.

Not wanting to be around someone who has been racist towards you and made rude comments about your weight and pronunciation is therefore not discriminatory- it's about their behaviour towards you which has been racist and rude.

If the girlfriend had met the old man and immediately said "ew - an old person, I am not spending time with him" then yes, she would have been discriminatory but thats not what happened and you know that full well.

She didn’t say it applied to all older people but this individual is either affected by problems related to ageing or has always been rude.

When my dad (who was a genius and a very gentle, kind soul) had early onset Alzheimer’s disease he would comment on people’s appearance like a small child. He did exactly this to a doctor I took him to see, because he was curious about his ethnicity and was making an inappropriate observation. I don’t buy into this stuff about people with dementia just letting what’s really inside out- the brain is damaged. I’m sorry she felt uncomfortable- it’s understandable, but it’s hard for people who haven’t experienced a relative’s behaviour changing as they age to understand it isn’t a personal attack.

Bit of a drip feed this is. Basically, he made lots of personal comments to her about her skin colour, her appearance, how she speaks and how much she eats. She’s offended and your son is (rightly in my opinion) supporting her.
You should be proud of him - I would be.

Neither of his grandchildren, who have noticed the changes as he aged , understood it either though. So either OP has raised two selfish, flakey children , or the grandad hasn’t actually gone through as much change as she’d like to pretend.

Maybe she doesn’t want comments like wow look how dark you are sooo dark much darker than any Italian I’ve ever seen in my life…
I’m sure she knows what she looks like as she’s looked in a mirror a few times but probably doesn’t think it’s appropriate to have her darkness brought up multiple times and not in a complimentary way. Most people can recognise racism when they encounter it.

Sad for them or sad for you? I suspect it’s the latter. I’m curious as to what you expect your son’s GF to do? Turn up and ignore nasty comments made about: how she talks, her weight, her height and her skin colour??? Why would she want to do that? And why would your son knowing it’s upsetting someone he cares for and the response of his parents is ‘can’t she just recognise it’s not malicious?’

you really need to get a clue here. You seem to be deliberately minimising all of this. So she came to your home for the first time to meet her BFs family. She was already really nervous at meeting ppl in a language that is not her own and then she had to put up with comments about her skin colour which triggered previous bad experiences for her. I can assure you that the impact of school bullying can last for decades and that doesn’t make her precious or overly sensitive!

While you couldn’t necessarily stop your dad making comments you could have been much stronger in telling your dad in front of her that it wasn’t acceptable and therefore showing that you were on her side. But you didn’t. You clearly expect her to just ignore it.

put yourself in her shoes. If this had been your first experience of the family of a new partner would you go back?

if you want to mend it I suggest asking to met them alone, explaining that his comments were not on and you should have been more supportive (and apologies that weren’t), tell them that you have and will continue to make clear to DF he can’t say these things, ask for one more chance but be understanding if they say no.

If they give you another shot and it happens again get right in there with ‘dad we talked about this you cannot say x it’s not kind’ (like you would with a toddler) and be understanding if the result is that they don’t come back. At least they will have seen you be stronger and you can hopefully maintain a relationship with them without your dad being present.

Or they don’t have the life experience yet to understand the brain changes that can happen as a person ages?