AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

I can understand why she doesn’t want to visit again and it’s great your son is ensuring his girlfriend isn’t made to feel uncomfortable.

I think your view of the situation is altered by the fact it’s your dad. Old or not, the comment was racist and totally unnecessary.

Does your father really need to be present for all their visits? Does he attend anything? Can he can stay in his room while they visit?

I don’t blame her for not wanting to be around him.

Does the 24 year old have possible dementia?

Yes, he was rude

Times have changed & there should be no comments about race, religion, sex, gender, physical chareactetistics etc

You can see them without your elderly relative

For now I think you can only apologise and give them space for it to settle down but I would explain your absolutely not OK with what was said however you cannot reverse the clock and can't kick a 85 year old out of your home.

Don't apply any pressure to attend family events in the home for a while and meet them where they feel comfortable.

Although your dad didn't see anything wrong in what he said it definitely is over stepping the line.
Your DS's gf has clear boundaries which were crossed. Do not make it into the gf versus the rest of the family you will lose.

Nothing to do with "being woke" (what does that even mean now?!) and everything to do with being rude to someone. You don't get a free pass just because "you're old". Why should someone have to put up with being constantly commented on, especially at a first meeting when you're probably nervous to start with? Wouldn't exactly make you want to go back, would it.

Your son and his girlfriend need to both grow up! It’s just a poor choice of words from granddad. Nothing malicious.

Their emotional blackmail over wanting granddad kicked out needs to be raised directly with them. They expect him to be thoughtful towards them but maybe they should be reminded about having compassion for the elderly and to question their own motives?

he was curious
she is young,
people take offence so easily.
so what if her colouring is darker than other Italians? otoh she was triggered
i am sure they will come round in due course op.
otherwise, offer to muzzle granddad!

Some posters seems to be missing the point. Let’s say there’s no racist undertones and the old man does in fact have dementia. This was the first time the girlfriend was coming to meet everyone and she must have felt extremely uncomfortable being grilled over multiple stupid questions that evidently the hosts made no effort to control or limit or anything.

Dementia or not, I wouldn’t be going back either. This is a new relationship, why would she be coming back?!

The fact the son is supporting her in this and also reluctant to come back himself tells me that this is likely not an isolated incident. Dare I guess that it sounds like the son knows there is no dementia, or even if there is any it’s not really any different than before the dementia?!

So educate the 85 year old very old man.
He doesn't have long left in all likelihood.
Why not keep correcting him?
Isn't that better than cutting him off?

the son is 27 and wants to do his best for his new gf - that is all.

Visit Grandad on his own.

I think they are overreacting hugely.

Okay your dad spoke a bit clumsily but he didn’t say anything overtly racist or offensive, just a bit awkward and personal. And he apologised even though he didn’t think he was in the wrong.

I would be worried about your son being with the sort of person that is so ready to cut people off to be honest. What will it be next?

Have you ever tried "educating" someone older and stuck in their ways?!
As a poster said upthread, it results in crap like "oh whoops, can't say that anymore can I" 🙄 or " don't be so ridiculous"
Then you'll find that they'll come out with their crap all the more. You're seen as the "sensitive" one who needs to get over themselves.

How can you possibly know it was not malicious? You’ve never met this man. Even if not malicious, comments about someone’s skin colour, height, weight and accent are incredibly rude, especially all in one go. So is letting a guest being objected to them without apology or attempt to interfere.

If the girlfriend is a potential wife/ mother of his children/ soulmate in your son's eyes then he's right to choose her over attending family gatherings, without in any way cutting you out.

If you host a lot of family gatherings it's a huge deal to expect your potential DIL to be excluded and ypur son choosing extended family gatherings over her will have very clear meaning. Choosing to support his partner and stand by her is a good sign.

Your update shows very clearly that it was not one comment at all, but an incessant barrage of intensly personal comments and criticism (ridiculing her pronunciation for example).

Ypur father doesn't have a dementia diagnosis so there isn't this very clear label to help her make allowances. To her this man constantly criticed and commented on her in very personal ways, and crucially nobody made the slightest effort to stop him except your son. When asked you responded explaining that only your son made a single mild attempt to stop the comments.I imagine his girlfriend was hurt and furious with him and you and your husband for letting this go on and on throughout the visit.

This visit could have been handled so much better, but you've shown very clearly that you're fine with your DIL being the butt of ongoing personal comments and criticism, it's no wonder neither she nor your son fancy more of the same on a regular basis.

You might love hosting, but you were a terrible host to your guest - the first duty of a host is to make her or his guests feel comfortable. Instead you put her in an intensely uncomfortable and embarrassing position and expected her and your son to take that.

She really sounds like she is quite dramatic. What a shame for your family especially if your dad didn’t say it meaning to be racist

Ok, where have they said they want Grandad kicked out?!

My DH is quite dark swarthy complexion, black hair and dark brown eyes, it has been suggested he's Italian, Greek or Indian. His family are from a north of England sea port and as far as I've traced the family tree all British. Of course being a sea port anything is possible! He always thinks it's amusing and for me he is tall dark and handsome. Although grey now.

That maybe the OP should have told GD to be quiet.

It also sounds as if these comments were overheard by other people, possibly the OP, and nobody challenged them. A guest was rudely treated and unsupported by onlookers. Even if not racist I think most of us would be uncomfortable with such personal comments.

She really is not what I would call young. Nor is the son. They are fully grown up adults now. Not 17.

24 is still young -

Was he ever told that he is too dark to be English or asked if he’s sure he’s English because he’s darker than any English people?

People are getting younger by each generation it would seem.
Anything older than 80 is very old
80 is old
40 is middle aged. No longer 30 something.
20 is also an adult. Or should be one.

10 is a child

24 is an adult. 27 is approaching 30.

Grandad is offensive arsehole. Good on your son. His GF came to your house and got lots of horrible comments directed at her. Of course she wouldn’t want to come back and your son feels the same. Not much you can do other than make it very clear that you completely understand his reasons and respect him for it.

Personally, my son would be prioritised and dad would be moving elsewhere.