AIBU to feel hurt my son will not visit while my dad lives here?

[Triniette]

So I have been up tossing and turning all night and I have no idea what to do about this.
My dad is 85, he doesn’t have any official diagnosis but he is certainly struggling with memory, controlling what he says and mood swings. He lives with DH and I, he has done since my mum passed away 9 years ago. Other than his state pension he has no income, and very little in the way of savings, my parents never owned a property.
Last week my son who is 27 and his relatively new girlfriend came to visit us.
My son’s new girlfriend has a French mother and an Italian father, her skin tone is notably tan though, perhaps what you would associate with south Italy more than anything.
My dad made a very stupid comment, something along the lines of “gosh aren’t you very dark, you wouldn’t think there was any French in you! You’re darker than some of the Italians I know, are you sure your French-Italian”
Now I don’t think my dad meant this maliciously, however I appreciate that it comes across awfully and his intentions don’t matter all that much if hurt is caused.
My son pulled us aside before they left and said it had upset his girlfriend and could my dad apologise. My dad apologised but it was clearly not all that sincere, I don’t think he believed he did anything wrong.

Today we are having a family get together, my son messaged me yesterday saying he and his girlfriend won’t be attending. There was no reason attached so I replied saying that’s okay, I hope all is well. He replied saying that his granddads comment made his girlfriend feel really uncomfortable and neither of them will be back in the house so long as my dad is still there. I replied saying I was really sorry that she had been made to feel uncomfortable and that I would talk to his granddad again as the last thing I would want is for anyone to feel uncomfortable in our home. My son replied saying it is irrelevant, as the damage is already done.

This is quite out of character for my son but I understand he just wants his girlfriend to feel comfortable.

My husband thinks they are being over dramatic and it’s not a massive deal, my dad apologised etc.

My daughter thinks their reaction is valid.

I feel totally stuck, I don’t know what to do with this, I really don’t want to have a bad relationship with my son or his partner.

AIBU to be really hurt he said they won’t come to our home again? We love hosting and all our family events are hosted at home, so he would be really missed.
What do I do?

Th is the most helpful constructive response on the thread.

He’s a grown man though so the girlfriend isn’t stopping him, it’s his choice.

I think it’s really important here to ask did you ask granddad to stop?

I didn't say I don't see a problem.

There is a problem.

I don't think dealing with it in a drama queen manner is the right way to solve it.

I agree that the family weren't particularly competent about dealing with it either, but sometimes, you are caught off guard, you don't know how to deal with something if this hasn't happened before and you need a bit of time to process it and to decide how to deal with it going forward. In the moment, it may have felt less upsetting to the GF to try and ignore it and pretend it's not happening, rather than turn it into a learning opportunity at lunch when everyone has had wine.

I just think this new fashion of immediately going nuclear because one meeting went badly, will eventually leave everyone friendless. The family made a mistake. An understandable one. They've been given no chance to rectify it.

I don't see how that makes anyone's life better.

I agree with whoever posted that the mother should go back to the DS and ask how to put it right.

Why do you think everyone old is ill? Another ageist comment.

Many older people still have their faculties about them.

They aren't all senile racists who need 24 hour care ffs

But it ISN’T the only thing suggestive of dementia in this person. The OP said he has memory problems.

Thank you...the rest of the comments are madness

it's an example, just read it as that. The poster is trying to put a point across as to how the op may feel due to personal comments. Don't read more into it than that

You didn’t spell it all out in your first post.
your dad commented over and over about her. It now makes sense. You will need to arrange some get togethers in a restaurant so you can get to know her without him present. It seems like your son doesn’t really know or understand his grandad.

I think part of the difficulty is that you are with your Dad all the time and are completely used to how he is. Your son doesn’t have the day to day experience and could not have anticipated the level of very personal comments made by your Dad to his girlfriend.It wasn’t just one comment and I think other posters are minimising. I can imagine the girlfriend was very taken aback and upset - and in your position I would be mortified. If you want them to visit, you need to be ready to take more proactive steps - and call your Dad out if needed Your son is in a difficult position and I can see why he and his girlfriend are not reassured by your Dad’s vague apology. Sorry - but I think you are going to need to do the work to repair this yourself - maybe meet at a pub or something as a next step- and try to sort it out.

My gran was the same, she lived to 98 but her filter got worse and she did say so hurtful things but we used to say, stop that’s enough or gran you can’t say that.

the dementia did turn her into an unfiltered old woman, it was horrifying at times.

however we wouldn’t have stopped visiting her even after the mean things she said. She told me I was a shit wife and surprised dh hadn’t left me for someone who looked after him better (all because I wouldn’t make him a packed lunch for work), she told me I was fat(I wasn’t) and she was generally quite mean and not just to me. It was upsetting at times but she was unwell.

Lots of people have memory issues at age 80- that very common and a normal part of ageing.

If his dementia is manifesting in personality changes and rudeness then yes, it would be obvious in other ways too. Thats my point. Damage to the frontal lobes which controls behaviour/personality isnt only going to be activated by one person, you would see rudeness in other ways too. Dementia is literally damage to the brain so of course you'd see and hear him being rude in other contexts as well

People on here are reading a lot into the OP’s dad’s comments which sound pretty inoffensive to me, considering this is an old man’s unfiltered comments.

The Pp I responded to equated commenting on someone’s darker skin as comparing them to a man - I am not reading anything into it that isn’t right there on the surface.

Also to add, my dd went to visit her boyfriends family and his grandad was there, she had been warned that he says some inappropriate things, can be quite loud and opinionated, she was told to ignore what he said and had been given the heads up.

i know it’s no excuse but they were brought up in a different times where saying certain things was acceptable and it’s hard to change their ways when in their 80s.

did your son not warn his girlfriend?

Looking to how the future is going to work, have you spoken to your DF’s Gap about the memory issues and mood swings? Usually the best way to do this is by email, you just need to make it clear that you don’t want to know anything, you are concerned about your DF and “want to avoid Hospital admissions”.

Do you have LPA and have you applied for Attendance Allowance?

Aww that’s really sad. Luckily she hasn’t been over mean like that. Not yet anyway.

When I visit with my 3 year old, she will sometimes say “stop that or I’ll smack your numb” I just say no you won’t. And carry on. I know she won’t. But I also know she was brought up with being hit and hitting her kids.

It’s very strange to see. She is still my gran but not always “my” gran, if you know what I mean.

If I was the the girlfriend I wouldn’t be returning either your son can visit in his own though

Yes all the people saying the girlfriend is the one with the problem must be white.

Does your son understand your Dad likely has dementia? Because this changes everything about this situation. Take that out of it and I think his girlfriend and him are being reasonable but this is a medical condition that slowly changes every aspect of a person. If your son doesn't understand this I'd be helping him to understand it because what's effectively happening is he's saying your dad is discriminating against your girlfriend whilst discriminating against him. It's a disability and the person with dementia deserves adjustments to be made by those around them. Imagine if he had tourettes and your girlfriend said she refused to spend time with him cos he shouted out offensive things; it's unlikely anyone would accept that.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It must be so hurtful and it sounds like you are a wonderful daughter and Mum. I hope you can get a diagnosis for your dad soon. Whilst it won't unlock support necessarily it does unlock some much needed understanding from those around the person with the disease.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/stages-and-symptoms/dementia-symptoms/losing-inhibitions

I also suggest you send this to your son 💓

It's a disability and the person with dementia deserves adjustments to be made by those around them

Reasonable adjustments are a legal requirement to ensure places of employment rightly do not discriminate against people with disabilities.

There is no law stating you must spend time with unpleasant relatives or people that make you uncomfortable.

I highly doubt the girlfriend is stopping the son visiting in a relationship where they are only just meeting family.

It’s more likely he if fed up of the behaviour just being rug swept and this is his snapping point.

He just doesn’t want to go to her home. He hasn’t said he won’t see op or his dad or sister he just doesn’t want to see this rude unfiltered grandad which he is allowed to do.

Also, unfortunately it is a sad part of aging that filters can go.
I know too, despite family understanding this, it can be really awful to witness.

I do think that as you live with him, you may have rightly grown a bit deaf to it, very understandable.

But this young woman probably felt very exposed.

My friends grandmother who had kept her figure all her life zealously, suddenly became so pass remarkable about EVERYONE'S weight, men, women and even children.

They stopped bringing her out in public, just spins in the car.
Everyone who came to the house was immediately warned.
Their lovely postman used to allow her to give him great advice on how to lose his weight around his middle!

I'm not excusing it at all, but you can use this as an adult moment with your son, to explain to him the sad reality of aging for some people and how much as you love him to bits, your father is in your care.

Perhaps you could write his girlfriend a lovely card with a little gift, apologising, understanding, and reiterating that she is always so welcome, despite your father's unfiltered observations.

She's young. Until this happens to someone you know, it can feel very personal.

Perhaps in the card mention how you have been a target for his remarks only too often.

Take the personal sting for her out of it, and wish her well.

Good luck.

A lot of people make the mistake of thinking racism has to be a malicious and deliberate attack to count as racism. A lot of racism is casual and unthinking, like OP’s dad.

OP, you’re thinking that your dad didn’t mean what he said in a bad way so it’s not actually racist. But what he said was bad and it was racist.

You’re not going to get past this by telling yourself it wasn’t that bad. You need to get on the same page as your son and daughter and recognise it’s a big issue. Then maybe you can get your dad to understand that he was wrong and caused real hurt.

Is the gf sensitive about being fairly dark skinned? If so maybe your DS should have mentioned it. If your DS had brought an ash blonde gf and his GD had commented she was much more fair than any Italians he knew would it have been a problem? It might have been a topic best left alone, but I'm not sure he meant anything other than literally what he said comparing her to other Italians he has known.