Another holiday ruined - damaged the hire car - think I’m covered but DP being awful!

[Whyismycatanasshat]

Long story short, we’re on holiday with a hire car and on the way to return it I’ve quite deeply scraped both the alloys down one side, having pulled over very sharply and in to a curb whilst taking evasive action. Genuinely couldn’t avoid doing it, it was that or be crashed into. DP acknowledges that bit.

DP is absolutely furious with me, adamant we’re going to get a HUGE bill and I know he won’t let this one go for the rest of our break - he started the moment we left the drop off; it was after hours drop off so no one to discuss it with.

Given I purchased the zero excess cover and crash damage waiver and the zero excess says

“Zero Excess (ZE) is an optional coverage available to the renter. The purchase of ZE reduces the customers liability to 0 Euro in cases of:

• Damage to the vehicle's bodywork
• Damage to the tyres, rims or windscreen of the hire vehicle
• Theft or attempted theft of the rented vehicle”

I believe I’m right to tell him to shut the hell up, especially given he won’t drive a car abroad and he’s a professional haulier!

It's interesting you say he hasn't acknowledged the triggers, because he has acknowledged he is tense away from home, so it sounds like he is acknowledging the issue in a way and telling you how he feels.

If you get on fine at home, could you agree some time off all together at home doing days out etc, and then you take the kids on holiday alone. Or could you look at the type of holiday, are there some things he would find less stressful?

Well, well done you for getting the waiver! Our hire got dinged in a carpark and my partner who set it up didn't get the waiver apparently. They also complained about damage to the paintwork that was there before but hadn't been caught when we (BOTH!) took pictures on pick-up. Both fuming, wasn't fun for the way home!

Well done on your eldest for speaking up as well as you. Hopefully it will give miseryarse some time to reflect while you go off and have a lovely day together.

I would be on your guard though. Some men deliberately ruin special occasions - birthdays, Mother's day, nights out etc, they'll get a mood on, faff to the point that everyone is running late etc, - from the sounds of it, your husband isn't like this in your wider life, and has learned this behaviour from his miseryarse dad. I would be vigilant however, if this starts to spill into other aspects of life now that he knows he won't be coming on future holidays.

He’s a prick, you should have turfed him out the car and let him make his own way to the airport

Oh op, are you ok after the prang?

Your morning update is exactly what I was going to suggest. A next-day chat where it is calmly laid out to him that he spoils every holiday and NO MORE. I understand that you're pleased he might not come today. I'd be telling him that now he's admitted he causes all this stress every time that the last few days of your time away are make or break for future trips. He can buck his ideas up (take himself off with a book for an hour if needed but licking his wounds for the rest of the holiday is unacceptable too) or not come again.
Have a great day at the water park!

Please leave him at home next time, it sounds such a miserable holiday for you and your kids.

Well, I caused similar damage to a hire car, when we were in Skiathos in Greece. But my fault entirely: the pavement was mega high and I was driving up a very narrow road. We had taken the extra insurance, but there was an excess to be paid if there was damage.

When we returned the car, at the end if the holiday, the guy shrugged and said 'it happens', and we didn't have to pay anything extra!! He was totally unbothered about the damage to the alloys!

We were a little worried, but it was fine and we didn't let it spoil the rest of our holiday when it happened. Your DH is being very unreasonable

if you had had an accident hospital bills would have been a lot higher than a couple of rims

Is his foul mood going to turn back time and enable you to prevent the incident?

no?

then he’s being a twat and ruining more of your precious holiday.

He want holiday at Worgate next year when you take dc away.
Unless you have decided on a new patio next summer...

Disagree. No one, absolutely no one would be ruining family holidays and staying married to me.

I agree and seriously doubt this is just on holidays either.

And no way is this a blip.

Another holiday ruined

And this twatty behaviour and family unhappiness will be the same at home too . The OP has just got used to it

No real advice OP, just sympathy really - nothing worse than being away and something souring it. However in this case what has is your DP and his behaviour, not the minor car incident. You did nothing wrong as the driver.

Life with reactive adults who cannot emotionally regulate themselves (and are not willing to try to do so either) is always going to be like this though. Difficult moments (car scrapes as one example) are an expected part of life when you're lucky enough to be on the planet for many decades, this could have been a mishap that was over and done with in 30 minutes and the holiday enjoyed for the remaining duration, if it weren't for him. It's a shame when one persons failings spoil something even for the children but it's a much broader issue to consider the impact his behaviours have on you and your family in general. Understanding where the behaviour came from goes some way to explain how it might have come about but does nothing at all to excuse the continuation of it. He is an adult and needs to learn to regulate himself and deal with his own emotional issues, whatever those might be - like the rest of us do. I'm sure many of us grew up subject to the modelling of some unhealthy behaviours, doesn't mean we are all still impacting the next generation with them years later, you do have to do the work.

If you plan to stay with him then consider holidaying alone. By the sounds of it he would do his best to spoil that for you all as well though

That's not on. Sorry to hear this, I hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday.

My other half is an HGV driver and we basically do everything to avoid him driving on holiday. He wouldn't behave like that but I don't think it would be a proper holiday for him if he was driving for on holiday, he does it daily at home (long hours too).
We use taxis, transfers, excursions and public transport.
We go on about 3-4 holidays a years and we had a rental car twice, for 1 day and for 2 days as it was the only way to do what we wanted but that's it.
We often go on cruises so no need for a car full stop but even land based holidays, there is almost always a workaround.
I want him to have the best time and not busman's holiday😂
Maybe this is something you should try doing? Plan a holiday that doesn't require a car rental. I'm not saying it will stop him being an ass but may take some stress away from you.

I think it's lovely that you can all express yourselves and reach a solution. I love that you said he enjoys spending time with you and the children, but just not on holiday. Holidays can be stressful, the high expectations etc. My husband and I plan what we think will be great holidays, a week mooching here and there but unless we are actually committed to a flight home or days on a cruise - we will always, ALWAYS be home at least three days earlier than anticipated. We also both feel on "high alert" when we're away, and it makes so called stress free time.....really stressful!!

OP, take this seriously.
Your child is telling you the truth.
He doesn't want to go on holiday with his father again.
That is not because of a once off.
Men like your husband destroy childhoods.
Your son will not forget this.

Do not inflict him on the children again and seriously rethink your relationship.

Your children deserve better than this, which is emotional abuse, witnessing his behaviour.

Mind yourself and them.

I would be utterly devastated if my children told me they didn't want me to come on holidays with them. Hopefully this will spur him to manage his anxiety better.

My daughter unfortunately damaged a hire car abroad. We had the extra insurance though and never heard anything else about it.

I would definitely never be going away with him again.

My reaction exactly. I don't put up with idiots no matter who they are.

I think that the fact that his “D”F behaved this way is irrelevant to a point. My M ruined holidays, but before we went. She would scream at us for two weeks before the holiday. Well extra screaming as that was her usual mode if DF wasn’t around.

She was a twat and hadn’t improved with age. You can have a parent like that, reflect on how it might of been for her and how you can avoid repeating the pattern yourself.

My DH is equally anxious abroad so we take family holidays in the UK and I take the DC abroad and he looks after the pets and home . It’s worked well so far.

YANBU. Did the same last time I hired a car and drove it abroad. It's why I always get max insurance cover. I had no extra charges.

I definitely think it's for the best he no longer comes on family holidays! Hope you and the DC have a lovely day.

I’m not sure this is anxiety so much as a variation of him needing to be in charge as the big man, but being intellectually or organisationally or practically incapable of being so when outside his comfort zone. He can’t be The Man when he doesn’t know what the rules are, can’t handle not having the answers and being shown up in front of you/the D.C. If that resonates, it’s a pretty easy fix: he needs to see you model that it’s okay to not know (because clearly he’s too immature to work it out for himself), and to model how to go about finding out and gaining mastery that way. Right now, he’s modelling how to fail when outside his home. If he wants to model success wherever he is, he needs to show his kids how to do that.

We have hired cars in Argentina, Italy, and California as well as quite often at home. Chance to drive something fun. I’ve scraped the heck out of the alloys in the US and dinked one in Argentina. You just chuck the keys back and try to do better next time! Parking and driving on the other side of the road isn’t easy. It’s not something to throw a moo-moo over, it’s almost more like knowing you cost the hotel more than they charged you on an all inclusive!