Another holiday ruined - damaged the hire car - think I’m covered but DP being awful!

[Whyismycatanasshat]

Long story short, we’re on holiday with a hire car and on the way to return it I’ve quite deeply scraped both the alloys down one side, having pulled over very sharply and in to a curb whilst taking evasive action. Genuinely couldn’t avoid doing it, it was that or be crashed into. DP acknowledges that bit.

DP is absolutely furious with me, adamant we’re going to get a HUGE bill and I know he won’t let this one go for the rest of our break - he started the moment we left the drop off; it was after hours drop off so no one to discuss it with.

Given I purchased the zero excess cover and crash damage waiver and the zero excess says

“Zero Excess (ZE) is an optional coverage available to the renter. The purchase of ZE reduces the customers liability to 0 Euro in cases of:

• Damage to the vehicle's bodywork
• Damage to the tyres, rims or windscreen of the hire vehicle
• Theft or attempted theft of the rented vehicle”

I believe I’m right to tell him to shut the hell up, especially given he won’t drive a car abroad and he’s a professional haulier!

Telling him to shut the hell up is completely unreasonable in the circumstances.

He needs to be told to shut the fuck up.

Well done for avoiding the smash with your quick reactions.

Morning all.
We have had a talk this morning; he says he likes spending the time with the dc and I, but not being away from home. He says he can’t relax and feels on high alert the whole time.

Our eldest dc told him this morning they no longer want him on holiday with us. He said he understood that it’s not pleasant for them either.

He has apologised for the behaviour yesterday to the dc and me but isn’t acknowledging the fact that something triggers him every single time.

I told him that I think this would be the last family trip; we manage without him otherwise. He was quite contrite but didn’t disagree.

We’re off to a water park shortly and I don’t think he’s coming; not a bad thing.

So is he angry because of the type of insurance you purchased? Not because of the damage itself?

I read threads like this and feel so utterly sad that some women are in these relationships. It's so depressing.

What a prince amongst men - not! He would not be getting in that car with me again. He can walk everywhere and find his own way home. Actions have consequences. If you’re such a shit driver, he won’t want to get in another vehicle with you, will he? Play him at his own game! Honestly, OP. What a joke! My DH would have spent the rest of the day telling me what a heroine I was for avoiding a full on accident. Your life is not normal and you need to change it for the sake of your DC.

Nail on the head. Next time he drives or you don’t get a car or you leave him behind. Time to stand up for yourself as he sounds abusive.

What does he add to your life. Maybe time to part ways.

suggesting divorce over a holiday strop is a hot take

My ex used to do this, always something to spoil the holiday. Told me never enjoyed a holiday when was a kid but would always find something to argue about if it wasn't exactly what he wanted to do. Selfish prick

If he really only is like this on holidays, then this is the way forward. If he can’t suck it up , he stays home. His anxiety or learned behaviour, or whatever it is , is his to manage.

I’m very anxious on holiday because if anything goes wrong I will just assume it’s my fault, and everyone will be miserable and hate me and bla bla bla. But I’m awful to myself , not anyone else. So I apologise, look for solutions and then eventually let it go , because neither DH or DD are actually that horrible or bothered and it’s all in my head.

Is it a foreign holiday? Is he the same when you holiday in the UK?

I kind of understand his anxiety- I’d never struggled with holidays until I was suddenly responsible for DCs abroad and now that does make me anxious. Difference is I can acknowledge that and I work really hard to not act like a dick on holidays.

I think I would tell him he need to see someone and take steps to address it or he doesn’t come next time.

An apology this morning to you and the DCs is progress, a day to stew on it might also help him to come to terms with the rest of it.

If things like this "ruin" a holiday, then relational things are far too brittle and over fraught between you.

You’re covered and that’s what matters , he needs to shut up .
I wouldn’t drive abroad ( to be fair I lived overseas and drove there but I was really uncomfortable until I’d worked out routes to places I regularly needed to drive to ) because I am not comfortable or confident doing so .
Husband has driven abroad sometimes ( we usually don’t , we use public transport) and if he scuffed the wheel rims I’d say “ oh no 😟 “ and that’d be it .
Because I am not a misery that’s why

@MummyShah369 you need to start your own thread.

I always purchase zero excesss for this very reason - I now have peace of mind on holiday rather than constant worry. You and he have nothing to worry about.

Every sympathy. My mother used to do this. Every single time she would find something to moan and complain about, and would sulk and not let it drop the whole time away. . I hated holidays as a child and discovering the joys of travel as a young adult was so liberating.

I damaged a hire car spectacularly a few years ago.
dh was nothing but wonderful about it and just wanted me to be ok and not worry about it.
he sorted it all out when we returned the car and never even said it was me who had done it .
your dh should have your back and not be making you feel bad or guilty about something completely unavoidable.
I would be reconsidering my relationship if I were you.

A few years ago we had a mishap with a hire car, hubby was forced to swerve and the wheel was badly damaged. Hire company came and met us, swapped over the cars and off they went! The noise as he drove a broken car away was horrendous, we’d been so careful and the company didn’t give a stuff! Was totally worth getting the zero excess.

Given your update and that you hint that he's generally not a prick, I find it sad that you will never have a family holiday together because of his anxieties and they way he subsequentlybehaves (I completely understand why you currently won't!). The fact that he shows insight means he has awareness - would he consider therapy?
For this holiday, I would plan to do everything without him and enjoy the time with the kids.

OP I sympathise. My DH is similar. We don't do long holidays with him now because the truth is, he hates being away from home for too long, but didn't really realise or recognise that - it just demonstrated itself in him being incredibly unhelpful, grumpy, stroppy and obstructive on holiday.

He says he can’t relax and feels on high alert the whole time.

Probably because his father ruined every one of his own childhood holidays, just as he is now ruining his children's.

He can break the cycle by therapy, and learning to enjoy a normal holiday. Or he can break it by staying home while you go without him, so his children learn that holidays mean fun rather than fear. If he cares about his children, he won't pass this on to another generation.

Tell him to go home and have the holiday with the kids. It’ll be the best thing you ever do. Leave him to it

I've been through this with DH and rather than going to the extreme of divorcing I just take the kids on holiday and he stays home and looks after the pets. It actually works really well and makes it easier for me to travel because I don't need to coordinate my leave with his. He hates holidays but didn't acknowledge that so he'd always want to go but then be an awful grumpy stressed mess. Now we're in our new mode there's no debate over it and it works really well for us. I began by tying it in with visits to my family that he wouldn't come on anyway. My DH sounds like yours, he genuinely is lovely at home and an overwhelmed stress head on holidays. Some people just don't enjoy travelling but feel they have to because we're told that's what families do together. You'll be doing everyone a favour by setting a new normal.

Take holiday out of the equation c this sounds like a very unhappy marriage and therefore family.

Whats he like at home? The same I imagine

hiw old are your children? For your eldest to actually articulate to his father that he doesn’t want to go on holiday with him anymore is heartbreaking and is an utter indictment of your husband @Whyismycatanasshat

Reading your last update at least you've got an answer. If he understands himself that this can't go on, your answer is he doesn't come on holiday with you. Sucks but if he's great the other 50/51 weeks of the year not the end of the world and no point wasting loads of money and making everyone miserable.
Could you arrange "home holidays" with him. You stay at home for a week but treat it like a holiday, doing days out, no house jobs, he could even camp in the garden with them.
We don't do much conventional family stuff because DH has a medical condition that makes it difficult, so days out are either short days with him, or full days without him. Holidays are stressful so we limit those too.
He still does quality time with the children, but in shorter more manageable bursts. Everyone is much happier, including me and when he takes the children for short days out, he always suggests I use it as time off for downtime.