AIBU to feel annoyed my son gave his friend's mum the wrong impression?

[Merryoldgoat]

I think I’m being grouchy but my son has irritated me and I need a reality check. To be clear there’s not been any big argue anything but I need to see if my reaction is unreasonable.

He is 13 and has ASD - he travels to school independently and sometimes gets the bus homes with a friend and friend’s mum.

He gets £8 a week pocket money and £50 a month for his special interest. Last month he wanted something really expensive so DH said he’d lend him the additional £5 but would owe it from the following month’s £50. All good.

This morning he’s handed me £3 and asked if I could put it on his card. I asked where he got it. His friend’s mum gave him £5 because he explained he was ‘in debt’ to his dad.

He didn’t explain how this ‘debt’ came about and now this woman thinks we’re these awful parents who makes out young teen pay back small amounts of money.

AIBU to be annoyed that he gave zero context and to really not like how this parent will perceive us?

I don’t normally care what people think tbh, but this has really irritated me.

I wouldn’t be upset with the mum - she thought she was doing something kind, she won’t know about the budgeting or the circumstances.

My dad used to do budgeting with me when I was a kid. He had this little book where he’d write down my pocket money, whether I was saving it or owed it. Then I eventually got a bank account. It really helped me learn to be good with money as an adult, unlike my husband.

Odd behaviour from the other mum but maybe she also struggles with social expectations.

I wouldn't be annoyed with your son but I would let him know he's not to accept money from people.

I don't think £50 is a ridiculous amount for a special interest either - I wish I only spent £50 a month on each of my kids activities!

I don’t think the other mother did anything wrong.

I'd give it to the Mum just to be absolutely sure it actually WAS from the other Mum

This. I’d text her and transfer or give some how directly so you can explain and avoid further confusion
my 9yead old currently owes me £1 for his advanced pocket money for football cards

I’d probably try to clarify it with her but other than that it wouldn’t really annoy me. Kids say all sorts of out of context stuff, if not straight up lies sometimes.

Well the OP has said that her son has a tracker so clearly she understands.

Well done you on surviving in a very different time

@budgetbuster I don’t think things were that different really. There were bullies, predators, dodgy strangers, pickpockets just as there are now.
But we managed differently.

100% agree. I work in a primary school and the amount of “oh they’ll be left out,” to justify giving phones to very young children (sometimes aged 5 or 6!) is ridiculous. If people parented properly and didn’t leave their children to be babysat by electronic devices then no one would be left out and they would all have far better communication, imagination and problem solving skills.

She doesn't know this woman or have any contact details.

@Merryoldgoat as well as returning the £5, you need to explain to your DS that if he’s only due £45 of the £50 next month because he’s already spent £5 of it this month, then that doesn’t allow him to go seek an additional £5 from elsewhere to get next month’s allowance back to £50.

Yeah, I'd write a short note explaining that you're teaching him how to budget and a little of the context, with thanks for the kind intent from her. Put that in a sealed envelope with the money so your son doesn't need to be put on the spot if she does try to be kind again and refuse to take it/tries to give it back. I'd even get the friend a little chocolate bar or whatever is appropriate just so she sees it as genuine and a gesture of appreciation. Tell your son to give it to her before he gets out of the car so she read it once he's left.

Sorry if this sounds daft, I have no experience of ASD but I see where you're coming from and that she had good intentions.

It is hobbling your kids to not let them learn to navigate the world. I think it's why there is so much anxiety as well as screens constantly.

Hardly a generous allowance!

It really isn't a big deal. The other mum probably thought it was a straightforward solution to your son's lack of money. She might well be autistic (her son is) and not so bothered about the social nuances. I doubt she thought about much and probably isn't judging you. Even if she was, who cares? You don't even know her.

oh thats a bit awkward isn’t it!! My DH and DD have an ongoing/inside joke about her owing him a fiver and I’ve heard her telling her friends mums this before - never once did I see them looking worried or attempting to give her money!! Bit of an odd thing for the mum to do but maybe she was just being nice. I would reach out and say ‘oh this is a bit awkward thank you but….’ And explain

You don’t think £80 a month is a generous allowance for a 13 year old? 🤣

Our 14 year old gets €20 😂 His €20 phoenix paid and anything over that he needs to earn!

Warhammer and modelling hobbies are so expensive so I think you allowance is really good.

Completely agree with you on the phone front, OP.
I also agree with @Shoola above - the Mum might be ASD herself so thought she would help solve the problem of your son owing money. Try not to worry about it and when schools go back, just thank her for the money and explain briefly!

Meeting her, my first question would be "Exactly what did the little toad/darling say to you about being in debt"?

Find a way..it's not rocket science. Go to the bus..if needs be.
You need to be active on this.

That mum is a busybody . Who gives money to a child without telling the parents

Ignore it ! That’s plenty .

I'd contact her, say thank you so much etc and apologise your son made her feel.like she should give him money. Go from that angle and word it sonic doesn't happen again.
Stay polite but make a point.

Gotta be honest, this would be close to my gambit if I met her…