AIBU to feel annoyed my son gave his friend's mum the wrong impression?

[Merryoldgoat]

I think I’m being grouchy but my son has irritated me and I need a reality check. To be clear there’s not been any big argue anything but I need to see if my reaction is unreasonable.

He is 13 and has ASD - he travels to school independently and sometimes gets the bus homes with a friend and friend’s mum.

He gets £8 a week pocket money and £50 a month for his special interest. Last month he wanted something really expensive so DH said he’d lend him the additional £5 but would owe it from the following month’s £50. All good.

This morning he’s handed me £3 and asked if I could put it on his card. I asked where he got it. His friend’s mum gave him £5 because he explained he was ‘in debt’ to his dad.

He didn’t explain how this ‘debt’ came about and now this woman thinks we’re these awful parents who makes out young teen pay back small amounts of money.

AIBU to be annoyed that he gave zero context and to really not like how this parent will perceive us?

I don’t normally care what people think tbh, but this has really irritated me.

And he should def have a phone. They all do and it will limit his social life if he doesn't.

He has a tracker. The school is 1 bus direct from our house to school. He knows what so do if he gets into any difficulty but the reality is he either gets into difficulty on the bus and talks to the driver, or on the less than 1 min between bus stops and destination which is unlikely.

You are not being unreasonable, my DD is ASD and very nearly got us in trouble with social services by saying to a teacher she sleeps in a shed outside, apparently it was the end of class and she was in a rush so just blurted it out without giving the full story and didn’t think that would be an issue, she got pulled out of class by the safeguarding team and thankfully cleared up the confusion but definitely not a nice feeling that someone thinks you’re a bad parent even if its only for a day- hopefully your DS will clear things up with the mum and it will be fine.

Are you not worried about what he might say when he gives it back? You’ve acknowledged that things get lost in translation - hence the original misunderstanding - but now you’re using the same method to return the money .
“Mum says I have to give you this back as I shouldn’t have accepted it, and I have to pay my own debts”. The other mum I’ll think that not only is he kept in abject poverty, but he’s not even allowed to accept gifts from others!

He’s 13, autistic, and he can’t yet handle a phone. The children at his school are continually sending awful messages and we are always getting messages asking us to ensure children are using phones responsibly.

£50, 20 years ago was also a lot - particularly for a 13 year old.

My plan was to put it in and envelope with a short note of explanation and my phone number.

That makes sense. It would be useful to have her number anyway, if they travel together and he’s friends with her son.

It would probably be best to send it back with a note in an envelope to avoid further misunderstandings. And add your phone number

I’d be annoyed with the friend's mum, not your son. She shouldn’t be giving money to other people's children.

I'd send it back to her, with a note. "It was really kind of you to give DS some money but I’m returning it to you as I think he probably didn’t explain the situation clearly. He gets a generous allowance but wanted a small advance on next month's allowance so he could afford to buy something expensive that he wanted. As part of our efforts to teach him about budgeting we agreed to the advance, but made it clear it would be deducted, as agreed, from next month's allowance (which would still leave him with plenty).
I appreciate that you meant well, and thank you once again, but we don’t allow him to accept money from people outside our family."

Spending money on your kid's friends, e.g. buying them an ice cream when you’re buying one for your own child, is not the same as giving them cash. If OP just says thank you the friend's mum will have no idea that OP didn’t like it and doesn’t want it to happen again.

To my eyes it's a bit odd for a friends Mum to give your child money and would now be in debt to her. If your worried what she thinks about you, just take her to one side and explain while giving back the £5. All parents are different about money. My in laws ard happy to loan but they expect full repayment, my parents give us handouts and never asked for a penny back.

I'm sorry but this made me laugh!
(I'd love to know what the full story is - but I haven't read to the end yet, so maybe you've explained it later on)

Why do you think OP can’t draft her own response?

I think that's very generous. We're you an only child? I never got pocket money at all so am always fascinated by those that did. I'm 20 years older than you though so maybe times were different.

Why do you think it’s a good idea to make unpleasant posts?

Well that was very high at the time. 20 years ago myDD1 was a teen. I certainly couldn't have afforded to give her that much spending money a month for " stuff"

She had a job for that kind of thing ( once a week paper round) which paid about £10 a week. That's was her money for non essentials

this is completely fine? and completely logical. maybe i would
add the extra step of getting son to hand note to teacher and teacher to pass it on to the other mum, just to make a bit extra sure it gets there without getting lost/ the communication happens well, but generally i dont know why you’re getting so many odd comments on this thread, about the way you’ll hand the money back, or indeed the phone issue. remarkable level of busybodiness over the way you choose to parent your child, clearly knowing him and his situation best!

Thank you everyone. Allied to this I will raise this with his therapy team at school and work on his social interactions as his SALT interventions do work on this type of thing.

We moved to this house when my oldest son was 2 and both boys have ASD - by sheer fluke we are within 2 miles of specialist provisions for them both are amazing. Complete fluke when I think of some of his friends travelling over an hour to get in.

Depends how you yourself understand your son's ASD. If you treat it as 'get out of jail free' card and deep down you think your son is normal, then of course you should be pissed off with him. If, on the other hand, you you think his ASD means he is a sick child, then why the hell should you be pissed off with him - he is not well.

We built our oldest 2 their own rooms in summerhouses in the garden, they were sharing with younger siblings before (so technically she wasn’t lying about sleeping in a shed 😂) but it’s insulated, painted, has electricity etc which obviously she failed to mention to the teacher initially lol.

I don’t think of it as either of those things. This is the oddest reply of all on this thread.

If you don't think of it as either of those things, then you have a problem, because to deal with something you need to phrase it and phrase it exactly, otherwise you will never get your answer, even in your head.

This

give it back and explain he gets a lot of money and you are teaching him value of morality and paying whsts owed

What? Are you ok? This is word salad.

My son isn’t sick, he is not neurotypical. That doesn’t mean he isn’t normal.

No one else has had an issue understanding me, just you.