AIBU to feel annoyed my son gave his friend's mum the wrong impression?

[Merryoldgoat]

I think I’m being grouchy but my son has irritated me and I need a reality check. To be clear there’s not been any big argue anything but I need to see if my reaction is unreasonable.

He is 13 and has ASD - he travels to school independently and sometimes gets the bus homes with a friend and friend’s mum.

He gets £8 a week pocket money and £50 a month for his special interest. Last month he wanted something really expensive so DH said he’d lend him the additional £5 but would owe it from the following month’s £50. All good.

This morning he’s handed me £3 and asked if I could put it on his card. I asked where he got it. His friend’s mum gave him £5 because he explained he was ‘in debt’ to his dad.

He didn’t explain how this ‘debt’ came about and now this woman thinks we’re these awful parents who makes out young teen pay back small amounts of money.

AIBU to be annoyed that he gave zero context and to really not like how this parent will perceive us?

I don’t normally care what people think tbh, but this has really irritated me.

ASD isn't a sickness, it's a neurological condition that means your brain works differently. Some people with it need a lot of looking after, some people with it get through life without needing much help at all, some people fall in the middle.

Its you im actually thinking is the issue here, you have no idea what this woman thinks, you have leapt to a conclusion as you are embarassed.

the question id be asking is why did he explain that to her.how did it come up. Did he ask her for money?

instead of imagining what she thinks,and being all annoyed based on assumptions, find out what happened.

What in heavens have you been smoking?
A sickness? Surely a ND person is just as sick as a NT person... why do you get to decide ND is a bloody disease or sickness? It's just a different way of functioning and unfortunately it's often more difficult for ND people to function in our current world.

I would think that the OP understands her 13 year old son very well... you have a very bizarre view of the world.

Thank you @BudgetBuster I wondered if it was just me who thought that post was bizarre.

@Wickedlittledancer valid. I could be the issue, I asked for opinions so thank you for yours.

Don't you pay for any clubs or activities for your children? Or music lessons? etc

I am sorry, my bizarre view of the world is in full alignment with DSM-5 psychiatric criteria for diagnosing such sickness/disease. Let us not call black white and white black, sick healthy and healthy sick, shall we? Note, nowhere did I say one is better than the other, worthy of more love than the other, worthy of more compassion, etc. than the other, but facts are facts and they don't care about anybody's feelings.

@Feis123 what are you getting at?

It's not a fucking sickness.... how ignorant can you be?

It's not a fucking disease either. Are you on the wind up?

Yes, it has diagnostic criteria, still doesn't mean it's a sickness or disease though!

I was just going to suggest sending the money in an envelope with a note and I see that’s what you’re planning to do. Don’t overthink it, just a little note to say “Thanks so much for your kindness and generosity, but we can’t accept. We are using pocket money to teach x budgeting skills”. You might inspire them to do the same.

ASD is a recognised sickness according to Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition: DSM-5 - this is what the NHS uses for diagnosing.

It isn't a sickness. You are using this word yourself. The definition does not use the word sickness... thats all you.

Oh, and @Feis123 . I am autistic. I'm perfectly healthy, thanks.

It's like pregnancy being a medical condition but not an illness (although it can make some women very ill.)

@Feis123 look - why are you here? You’ve got nothing to add that’s useful, you’re just posting inflammatory nonsense.

If you have a coherent question then ask it. If not please don’t derail a (basically resolved) thread.

Diagnostic criteria for mental illnesses=mental disorders. What do you think the diagnostic criteria is for? Wellness? Look up any definition.

A disorder is nit the same as a sickness or disease... you've just proven your own point ya numpty

You know him best. Mine is honest as the day is long but would struggle socially to return the money especially to someone who was saying "oh no, don't worry about it, just keep it". I think the mum needs to be primed, at the very least, to just accept it. Email school later half term and ask for the message to be passed on, to ensure that your son's attempt to return it is successful.

I would try to keep it light and avoid over-explaining - you don't know exactly what she has heard or interpreted. It sounds like he has money in different pots and was being very careful not to borrow from one pot across to another, which is a perfectly sensible choice which will serve him well.

This morning he’s handed me £3 and asked if I could put it on his card. I asked where he got it. His friend’s mum gave him £5 because he explained he was ‘in debt’ to his dad.

Where are the other 2 pounds?
If he spent them, should he be owing you 7£ now?

Please don’t be irritated at your son. Most kids say as little as possible to their friend’s parents, and few would consider giving context at that age.

The other mum was out of order. It most probably came from a good place but it’s not acceptable. Unless a child looks neglected (missing a winter coat etc) or starved, you leave well alone.

@Merryoldgoat I'm giving up. It's like arguing with a brick wall and it's too bloody hot for that nonsense today.

Glad you've got it resolved, hope you all have a good half term! 😊🍦

It's not just you, OP

Yes, Consultant!
Now convince the Benefits Office it is not a disease (those uneducated bastards seem to think so)
Now convince the psychiatric association and the NHS it is not a disease (those numpties as you eloquently put it, also have no idea, ill-educated lot)

Good question! One DH asked me that too when I related the story to him. It was still in his drawer - it had slipped to the back so he only saw the 3 when he brought it to me. We now have the full £5.