AIBU to feel annoyed my son gave his friend's mum the wrong impression?

[Merryoldgoat]

I think I’m being grouchy but my son has irritated me and I need a reality check. To be clear there’s not been any big argue anything but I need to see if my reaction is unreasonable.

He is 13 and has ASD - he travels to school independently and sometimes gets the bus homes with a friend and friend’s mum.

He gets £8 a week pocket money and £50 a month for his special interest. Last month he wanted something really expensive so DH said he’d lend him the additional £5 but would owe it from the following month’s £50. All good.

This morning he’s handed me £3 and asked if I could put it on his card. I asked where he got it. His friend’s mum gave him £5 because he explained he was ‘in debt’ to his dad.

He didn’t explain how this ‘debt’ came about and now this woman thinks we’re these awful parents who makes out young teen pay back small amounts of money.

AIBU to be annoyed that he gave zero context and to really not like how this parent will perceive us?

I don’t normally care what people think tbh, but this has really irritated me.

@Amirina that is a really good point - thank you ☺️

I’d be careful relying on the DSM-V to argue points on autism, it’s 12 years old, research on autism has come a long way since then. Homosexuality was in the DSM until the 70s!

I heard a saying recently, I forget where:

Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get muddy but the pig will like it.

God don’t do this. Just be grateful and explain to your son the best way to handle these situations and explain things

😂see also 'Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.'

Goodness it’s a wonder any of us who grew up before mobile phones became essential life support devices survived to adulthood.

She shouldn't be undermining your parenting. Unless your son was literally begging her for money she shouldn't have offered. And if he was then it is his fault.

When he said the debt thing she could've asked why. Then left it at that. I wouldn't start giving out money to other people's children.

You would be surprised to hear that DSM5 is still used in the NHS today and that it was med schools teach in year 3 this year, in the UK.

For absolutely no reason at all, I’m leaving this screenshot here without comment.

Aside from that, I get where you’re coming from OP. I am AuDHD and I have autistic 16 yr olds (twins) with reasonably high care needs and DS often misses out important context when talking to people. Or he repeats things that have been said in jest 🫣

DD broke the handwash accidentally the other day when she was trying to open a new bottle. A joke was made about her headbutting it in frustration because she couldn’t get it to open. Very obviously a silly joke that made DD laugh. DS has spent the last two weeks telling anyone who will listen - including random people at a dog show - that our handwash doesn’t work because DD headbutted it 😂🫣 Just in case that makes you feel any better 😂

I wouldn’t actually, I’m in the NHS. Doesn’t make your points any more valid or the DSM the gospel on autism

Shhh @SpidersAreShitheads stop making sense.

That is exactly the kind of thing my older son would say. Our younger has much higher support needs and is like a rhino crossed with a Labrador. A few years ago a friend asked older DS ‘why doesn’t your brother speak?’ And the reply was ‘he’s kind of like an intelligent dog’ 😩

She overstepped, but perhaps her DS gets DLA and assumes your son does as well. In which case it should be spent on his specialist interest (within reason). My youngest got DLA and her interests were in lieu of being able to play out etc, which is why she was awarded DLA.

I wouldn't expect an NT 13 year old to understand the nuance of this, never mind an autistic one. He was in debt to his dad, he hasn't made up any lies, he's done nothing wrong.

There is no ‘should’ about how DLA is spent. It’s to cover additional costs of living with a disability and down to families to manage.

That’s totally weird of the other mum. Your son did nothing wrong. But this mum is weird and meddling. If one of my dc’s friends said that to me, I’d just nod. It would barely register. I’d give it right back to her.

It might be the case that this boy’s mother also has additional support needs and simply saw it as him being a child who needed money.

You’re not being unreasonable, it’s the sort of thing that would bother me too and possibly keep me up at night.

I would definitely have a conversation with that mum to 1. return the money (and ask that she
checks with me next time before giving my child anything of this nature in the future) and 2. take the time to explain (not that you owe anyone any explanation) the context of the “debt”.

Lastly, I would go easy on your son though as I doubt he really understood what him making that statement could have implied or that it could be misconstrued.

God if they were all doing glue would you let yours if it was good for his social life? So much evidence now of how bad phones are for teens (and adults!) but you're pushing them on someone who has a clearer idea of the downsides than you seem to.

Odd of the other mum but people are odd. When my eldest was at the age of starting to go into town to meet friends at weekends a friend if his had a mother who kept offering lifts. I don’t want lifts because A - I don’t have time to reciprocate and B - I wanted ds to get confidence on public transport. We live in a place with very little in walking distance and DH and I work shifts and after can’t taxi them about and it’s important that my dc can be confident in the bus and train network. I was explaining to this woman until I was blue in the face that I wanted him to use public transport and she was having none of it and on more than one occasion intercepted him at the train station (out of her way) and got him off the platform. Then she would phone me at work and ask for a lift for her ds as she’d done it last time. Her ds wasn’t allowed to use public transport so couldn’t go out if there was nobody to take him. She probably tells her friends about an absolute mad women who refused to drive her kids about and made them get trains and buses everywhere.

@Elbreth every single person I know whose child has a phone has had issues. I think many people who gave their child a phone too early have to do loads of mitigation are are desperate for others to do the same so they don’t feel like they made a daft mistake.

could be she gave them £5 each to go to the shops and when he was giving her the change she said keep it and he said that's great I'll put it towards my debt.

You're getting carried away with your "could be"s here 😄

I've said you're unreasonable not because it isn't embarrassing but because you are not really understanding this is his asd not intentional behaviour. He shouldn't be punished, this is an excellent moment to teach him about the implications of what we say. Explain to him how she will have taken and tell him that he needs to understand words have impact. He won't get it overnight, it will probably still happen but if you layer this message as he grows, it will help him in the long run.
Try and see the funny side, this is something you can tease him about when he's older.

She’s been asked for a fiver (in a round about way), and has no way to contact you to see if it’s ok, he’s spent £2 of it - possible in a place she felt it was ok to give it. It really isn’t a big deal at all. Give him the £5 to take in when back at school.

I think I would contact the mum and say sorry about the misunderstanding and give her the £5 back. Find a way to contact her. Or it's going to be unresolved. She was only trying to be kind. It wasn't your fault.

I don’t think the mother did anything bad and at the end of the day it was £5. She thought she was doing the right thing. Teenage brains alongside ASD, things can get lost in translation. I would go forth with your plan to give it back but hopefully keep it lighthearted and lots of eye rolling. I don’t think there’s actually any fault within all parties concerned. . All adults obviously care about him which is a huge thing of ‘takes a village to raise’ etc. I would proceed cautiously and with all the love intended x