To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

Yes I think you are being a bit precious. It was embarrassing for you at the time but it has been over two years ago and not worth spoiling your relationship with your daughter.

Let it go. No one will even remember now - it was a hen do.

Yes, holding on to this for years is over the top.

It was a hen do!!! Maybe this is why mums/mil shouldnt be invited!!

You are not being unreasonable but you need to forgive her or forget it for both your sakes.

put it down to peer pressure, a moment of stupidity.

personally I think it would be rude and crass of anyone to say that about their mother and to be honest the people who heard it probably thought less of her than they did of you. Although I’m sure you wouldn’t want your daughter letting her down.

if it ever comes up you could say that you have never been so disappointed with her than in that moment, and how shit it made you feel, not only because you were humiliated by your own daughter, but that’s not how you expect her to behave about anyone’s private matters.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest at the time, let alone years later

I think its awful that you have been storing up this resentment towards your daughter for years about this. About a tiny, nothing incident. And you feel that she has no respect for you?! This is changing the way you feel about her? I can't understand that at all

Oh ffs. Unclench. Let it go. You have been holding on to this nonsense for 2 years

Thanks for the feedback, I’ll take it onboard.

I think you need to move the fuck on tbh op. It was YEARS ago. Do you think you're the only woman to fuck or use a sex toy!

I think most people would find that embarrassing. Not sure why she feels she gets to decide for you what’s embarrassing and what isn’t? If your relationship is generally good I’d expect her to apologise once she knew you were upset by it.

As the PP said I don’t think it’s worth spoiling your relationship with your daughter for, so even if she is being unreasonable it might be something you ultimately just have to try and let go if she really won’t apologise. But I wonder if her behaviour is saying anything wider about tensions between you? Is there anything she might herself be feeling upset or resentful about? Is it worth trying to take some quiet time together for a proper chat and just check in with her, say you love her and want to have a good relationship with her, you’re taken aback that she doesn’t seem to feel it’s a big deal she upset you, and you’re wondering if there is anything she is upset with you about herself?

But you know her, I don’t. Is she someone who in general is sensitive to other people’s feelings? If not then perhaps you may just have to accept this is her way, and she has a different sense of boundaries/sense of humour to you…

ETA: OK most people seem to think it’s not a big deal and standard behaviour for a hen do, so I’m clearly in a minority here. Maybe that’s why I don’t go on hen dos…

I agree with this, actually. Imagine resenting your daughter for this and making it an issue in the relationship. It's a complete overreaction to a comment on a hen do.

These stupid hen night games can cause a lot of grief. Your DD should know better at 30 than to minimise the embarrassment to you. But this is the DD you have and no doubt she has many lovely qualities. Nobody is perfect.

Or maybe having invited that generation, their feelings should be taken into account?

She is usually emotionally intelligent but I’ll move the fuck on as a pp kindly suggested!

Is that it OP? You have held on to it for two years and now you want to stop speaking to her over it? Have you thought about having a chat about this with someone in real life?

My mum was the life and soul of my hen do, I’m so glad she came and brought her friends. We had such a good time and everyone had a laugh when we played those stupid hen do games. Totally forgettable rubbish. Mum was very funny about me growing up as a daft teenager and I can’t imagine her being mad at me two years later if I said anything about her.

I don't agree that most people would find this embarrassing at all. Grown adults?! Everyone knows people have sex. No one is going to be whispering about it afterwards, no one cares

She was a bit drunk I am guessing and fired up at her hen do. For goodness sake don't resent her - what would be the point of that!?

It was probably quite embarrassing for an 8 yo to hear their mother have sex

Most adult women own sex toys and have sex. What have people found out that's embarrassing about you?

I’d be mortified but I don’t know if I’d let it continue to affect my relationship with my DD for this long. If she’d had a couple of drinks then I guess it just seemed funny to her at the time.

She should definitely have apologised not brushed off your valid feelings of embarrassment. if she’s otherwise emotionally intelligent and you’ve always had a good relationship other than this, I’d try to let it go, but would obviously be wary of letting her know anything personal from here on out as she’s clearly a bit of a blabbermouth on a night out!

It’s fairly normal to find these things at that age. We found one my dad’s adult videos… We watched it & laughed, my mum caught us & confiscated it (didn’t stop my dad buying jazz mags etc…). Would I mention it now? No!

I think your daughter was rude and disrespectful, and I would have expected her to apologise for embarrassing you.
As for hen parties, I just don't go. I don't enjoy the sort of behaviour they seem to encourage.

I wouldn't have found it in the least bit funny either OP. Somethings are not for discussion for cheap laughs at others expense.

Christ I hope DD doesn't invite me to hers if she gets married!

As someone who heard her parents having sex and found whipped cream in my mums bedside table I can 100% guarantee her embarrassment from then is 100x greater than yours… maybe try some empathy ( yes she shouldn’t have gone through your safe so she has to own that as that’s why it was in the safe) but hearing your mum having sex is the stuff of poking your eyes out…

Get over it as it bad for you - even worse for her

I think it's outrageous that she used you as the butt of the jokes that night, but I think it's time to try and move on. Noone will care. If there was ever a comment then you could easily style it out or just pretend it was a story and not true, but you've done nothing wrong, and you can't go back in time, so you have to move past it. What else can you do

I think what you are hurt about is that she was willing to use your intimate data for a laugh.

That the laugh from her friends was more important to her than respect for you.

You felt like a laughing stock. You were the joke. And felt humiliated.

She should apologise and realise her priorities were all over the place here.
There are some things you don’t have to say. This was one of them.