To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

She's 30, not 18. She should apologise for upsetting you but asked a question like that when quite likely drunk she was going to answer it. No need to mention the dildo at all.

Obviously she said too much but was probably drinking. It was a bit of an odd question for her to have to answer. Normally they are games and questions around the bridge and groom. You are allowed to feel how you feel op. DDs sense of humour is different to yours.

OP you need to let this go. How embarrassing for an 8 year old to hear her mum have sex and finding her mums sex toy. She's doing well to treat that embarrassment with a sense of humour and you should do the same.

Honestly this. I heard my parents have sex at that age. I knew it was fine, natural. All that. Still, hearing it was so embarrassing. And I still remember it. I've never mentioned it, because why? It was their house. But maybe if you look at it from her point of view, you'll let your resentment go.

I don't think she meant to humiliate you. Most people wouldn't think this was something to be humiliated about - you having sex 20+ years ago - what is humiliating about that?

It wasn’t the having sex that I was embarrassed about It was her questioning why I would have sex in the middle of a divorce…

Some posts are unfair to OP.

Just because its a hen do doesnt mean our personalities change and we are suddenly comfortable with things we usually wouldnt be ok with.

The real issue here is how some need to plumb the depths to enjoy themselves. Some ppl need to grow up.

It would be weird, creepy and childish to ask ppl about their parents sex lives normally, a hen do doesnt change that.

Jesus Christ - is there anything left on mumsnet that isn't 'vile'? Hen dos are vile? They definitely aren't my cup of tea, but vile?

I just felt she was purposefully trying to hurt me and humiliate me infront of a lot of people. And she isn’t that sort of person to anyone else.

I heard my parents having sex once.

I thought they were moving furniture 😂

Of course it probably was a touch embarrassing at the time but to still be stewing over this 2 years (!!) later and saying she can’t respect you because of this and resent her for it is so completely over the top. You say it isn’t affecting your relationship but I find that hard to believe really given the strength of your feeling over a bit of a non event a long time ago.

I do understand why you're uncomfortable but was she also asked questions about her sex life in the same way - so she didn't single you out, and what would you have wanted her to do - be coy and protect you but was that in the spirit of the hen do - i think this is more of a you hang up about your own feelings re sex and that's fine - but that doesn't mean your daughter isn't emotionally aware mature or kind - it was just part of the event - please try to forgive her for how you felt - but also understand that your feelings are yours to deal with and not blame her - you talk about bitten back as if it was some kind of attack and I very much doubt that was the intent - it was something in bad taste said for a laugh - not an attack on you

I also think it's rude/crass (God I hate hen parties) and could never imagine saying this about my mother!!! Omg.

I think she should have apologised to you.

But at this stage I think you're just gonna have to let it go. Everyone there has probably forgotten about it anyway.

My stepdad was apparently having "an asthma attack"

Totally awful, I’m not surprised you feel embarrassed.

Ouch, I feel your pain OP. But a hen do is full of swagger and showing off. She might have been trying to broadcast to everyone what an open and loving relationship you had. Alcohol might also have impaired her judgement!

Yeah
Like, there she is getting married. Good for her. That's a happy thing for her

But you were getting divorced (at the time of that memory she recalled). And her questioning like that is just.. I don't know how to explain it.

It wasn't nice.

They are not all vile, of course not, but many are.

The worst are those where the 'games' include the bride snogging every man she encounters.

Disgusting. They are so open about it, really entitled and shameless.

The same ppl inevitably have a shit fit if their OH glanced at another woman.

I must admit I find the word “disrespected” really rather telling. Given the truth of the situation what actions would you have had her take to feel respected?

If she had said to you afterwards “I hated being asked that question because the truth is Yes I did and it was utterly traumatizing, and then leaving your sex toys where they could be found, really Mum? Yuck. Couldn’t you put a bit more effort into keeping private things private for the sake of a child?” What then would have happened?

OP your problem is that she hasn’t recognised your hurt and you haven’t been able to have a proper conversation about it, where a resolution could be achieved. It’s the same as any relationship. If one party is hurt, and the other swipes the hurt away and says ‘get over it,’ you’re left with a wound that doesn’t properly heal.

I understand why you feel humiliated OP. Okay so the original question was about if anybody heard their parents having sex - but she didn't have to then throw in the comment about the dildo, that was unnecessary. I wouldn't dream of doing that to my mum.

Your dd now knows you are upset about it - in which case, now realising this, she ought to apologise.

I would hate that to happen to me OP . And you obviously went to a bit of trouble of hiding the dildo from your DCs . Certainly didn't intend for anyone to hear you having sex , nobody does. To hear that she kept that knowledge for years would upset me even if she told me privately. To say it in front of her friends who know you would be so upsetting for me too. But I would have gotten over it if my DD had acknowledged my feelings and apologized. I understand your hurt .
Unfortunately in order to continue your relationship you are going to have to be the bigger person and try to move past this . I hope hearing on here that other women totally agree with you helps to validate your feelings about this.

What?

Many kids have overheard their parents. It doesn’t make it less cringey, but it’s not exactly uncommon. Laughing about it at a hen do does not exactly suggest residual trauma does it? The toys weren’t left where they could be found. They were in a safe. Locked away.

I’m curious what exactly you find telling about the OP feeling disrespected? What exactly does it tell you?

That was very silly of her, she should know her audience, some people are okay with this kind of game, others are not.
The past is gone. I don’t blame you feeling hurt but it’s better to move forward. You should have got her back at the wedding.

Christ! My mother got pissed (she would never admit she was drunk) at a party and in front of my ex told the story of my conception, even down to what music was playing. It was morto. But also hilarious. I laugh so hard about it now.

Frankly I think you need to unclench and work on your relationship w her. She sounds like great fun.

That's a totally different scenario/not comparable