To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

She overshared and made you the butt of the joke. Very disrespectful of her.

My DS did this once when he was 7 years old. I only told him the story in the first place to make him feel better about himself after an incident at school. He used it as a tool to embarrass me in front of in-laws. He instantly knew he had done wrong, even before my DH came down on him like a ton of bricks, and he couldn’t be more apologetic about it even at 7 years old. Your daughter at 30 should have known better, she’s far too old to be humiliating her mother in public.

Sorry she disappointed you. Just remember not to tell her anything as she just may blab about it on her next night out. Whether your there or not. Other than this, it’s probably time to let it go.

I think she used you to get a laugh which is not nice.

What is worse is not apologising when you said you were upset.

I’d move on but the second part wouldn’t be easy to forget.

I think this is really unlikely and maybe by dwelling on it you’ve let it feel like a fact, when it isn’t at all. It sounds like she was trying to be funny and misjudged it a bit. I wouldn’t have loved it in your shoes either as I’m quite private, especially asking you why you had sex- that wasn’t great, but it’s time to move on.

Most hen nights where people have wanted to do games like this that I’ve been on have had mums there on the first night only for drinks and a nice dinner, and then the mums leave and that’s when you have the games. Might have been better that way.

in your shoes I’d be making an active effort to reframe it as a silly game. Every time you think about it as a deliberate humiliation you are reinforcing your perception of it that way, and possibly also altering your memory of what actually happened. Keep reminding yourself that feelings are not facts.

You are probably right, as awful as it is. She can use you to wipe her feet. Daughter or not, I’d be putting in boundaries, kindness isn’t weakness.
Was she angry about the divorce? To question you for having sex around this time was weird and vindictive, she’s obviously not very mature.
We can love them, raise them but know that they’re not nice at times.
Make sure those times are minimum or tell her to jog on, you’re not an emotional punching bag.

If she wasn't embarrassed, neither should you be. Surprise surprise, mum enjoys sex!

Grow-up!

I can see you do need to get over it, but I’m not sure I could just get over it but shame is my spiral.

I guess in her child's mind it didn't add up. It's none of her of her business what you do when and I would have been upset as well. However it's been 2 years.

Maybe write her a letter about how it made you feel but then let it go. Don't let this blip over shadow your relationship.

Not just a hen do. If I’d heard my mum shagging and found a dildo it’s something I’d tease her about in a normal conversation! Lighten up OP it’s really not a big deal. Are you generally unable to laugh at yourself?

Who told her the password? Was it your ex?

I think YANBU. She was asked if she had heard her parents having sex, she didn't need to add extraneous details like it was 'it was in the middle of getting divorced' or that she found a dildo in your safe.

I think you're right to be wary of her and not share anything with her anymore. It doesn't have to change your relationship, you just have knowledge now that she can't be fully trusted and will need to manage her accordingly.

Everyone has different relationships. I wouldn't want to talk to my mum about her sex life. People are allowed to have boundaries.

I don't think you're being unreasonable actually. You weren't unreasonable to feel humiliated and it's not unreasonable to feel disrespected when she refused to apologise. Talk to her again.

Yeah I showed my friends my mums (massive) vibrator. It was part of my house tour. This is my bedroom… this is a massive penis my mum hides in her clothes draw… I wouldn’t tell my mum now but I guess drunk at a hen do, it’s not that out of place

You have also said that you think your daughter deliberately tried to hurt you. Why do you think she would want to hurt you?

Same, and I’m startled at how many people are scoffing at the OP. It was very insensitive and possibly deliberately embarrassing behaviour by the dd.

Yes
That was very rude of her
But what can you do?
Just leave it

Same here. And it doesn't really matter if mum was there at the party or not. Mum has the right to privacy in her own home. Daughter went through her mum's safe so not her mum's fault. Just like teenagers are always demanding privacy.
I think you have to move on though as she will probably just tell all her friends you are now going on about it and make it worse.
Most people would gave forgotten anyway.

You wouldn’t want to go to your own daughters Hen Do incase there is talk about sex and masturbation?

Peak batshit Mumsnet 🤣🤣

Another thread with the OP being bashed for no reason. WTF? This is about the OP having sex during a DIVORCE - did you not read that part?

@BeckyBloom I can understand why this would upset you. It's incredibly judgemental of your daughter, and to openly mock this during a 'fun' hen do isn't okay. She's held onto this information and openly questioned/mocked it and humiliated you in front of everyone? Which was during a time that was already painful and complex for you? Nah, that's not cool. And she's 30 years old FFS, not short of a bit of life experience.

She should apologise, IMO, so you can put it behind you - it's what you need, and she shouldn't minimise it or the impact it had on you.

OP, I think she was extremely rude and unpleasant and you have every right to be appalled.
Bloody hell, I honestly cannot imagine any friend of mine speaking to their mum like that, nor my daughter or her friends speaking to their mums like that.

For her to laugh when you mentioned it, is nasty.
If you can move on, do.

But yanbu to view her a bit differently.

MN is a parallel universe at times.
Nice people don't humiliate and embarrass those they love as a joke.

I certainly wouldn't do it to my children in company.

Oh and if I witnessed someone speaking to their mother like that I would be seriously unimpressed.

I consider it vulgar low class behaviour.

As adults, we all know our parents have sex, because, well, we wouldn't be here otherwise. However, when you're a child/teen and you have heard your parents having sex (and understanding exactly what they're doing) it's mortifying! It's yuk! Yes, as adults we understand it's natural and something perfectly normal but children/teens don't always see it that way, because they aren't emotionally mature, to understand adult relationships. Most women own a sex toy (or have done) and again as adult women, we consider it normal but for a child/teen to find their Mum's sex toy it must be embarrassing!

You were embarrassed OP, and I understand why. However, at 8 years old, your daughter would have been mortifyingly embarrassed to hear you having sex and finding your sex toy!

You're an adult, it happened 2 years ago and it's likely your daughter had been drinking at the time, as it was her hen night. It's time to let it go.

Very difficult to have respect for a person with a dildo in their safe, it is true. However, this is unfortunately the society we now live in - pagan society, ancient Roman society before its collapse. She must have been revulsed when she found it, you have to understand it. She should not have been so vulgar as to mention it, thought, but these are the times when vulgarity passes for wit. We are long past normalcy, what is left is to change 'with my body I thee worship' to 'with a dildo I thee (or myself) worship'. Such a sad state of affairs, but this is our life.

This is precisely why I didn’t invite my Mum or Aunties to my hen do. Unless you have the sort of relationship where you can chat about cocks, doggy style and anal with your Mum and Auntie Jean, then I don’t think they belong.

The OP has Victorian ideas how children must respect their parents, yet pagan (Roman) attitude to her own sex life, obviously there is a disconnect here.

OP I really hope her response when you called her out was just defensive.
I can sort of understand how her mouth could run away with her at the hen do, but her dismissive attitude to you later, instead of just apologising, would of course be hurtful.
The best explanation I can think of is that she is carrying a lot of hurt from the divorce. She was young, she won't have understood what was going on, but that is the understanding she has taken with her into adulthood.
Might be time to have a chat with her about why you got divorced, and exactly what your ex was putting you through at the time. (Also correct her on her timelines!)
It's time she understood just why her actions hurt you so much.