To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

I show respect to my family- that doesnt mean I have never made a mistake or said something out of turn when I shouldnt have. Are you perfect? have you never blurted something out or made a mistake?

If this was an ongoing pattern of disrespectful behaviour towards you then I would agree with you but it was one time when everyone was probably very drunk. Your daughter has even said she didnt think what she said was embarrassing because clearly she doesnt see having sex as some kind of moral failing or character flaw. Therefore it wasnt an insult towards you.

You seem really hung up and bothered on the timing of this (eg having sex at some point during your divorce) so I suspect this is touching a raw nerve for you about something during that time and it would probably be helpful to examine that further since you are unable to let this go 2 years later.

The hen do stuff is cheap and tacky enough as it is, but we need to see that as well as embarrassing OP, it recalled a time of sadness / difficult time (the divorce).

So its two things really, not just inappropriate sharing.

Still, OP should be over it now, as its years ago. An apology would have helped this, im sure, but it seems she got the usual 'its a hen do' brush off instead.

She was 8! Time means nothing to kids that age. She's probably holding on to a whole lot of hurt over your divorce that came out at a time of her own heightened feelings about marriage, coupled with alcohol. Cut her some slack, for goodness sake! Did you and your ex make a fuss about attending her wedding at the same time/with step parents? Could that have triggered a snark?

I’d be upset at this and would never speak about someone else’s sex life. How cringe 😬

Hi OP, I wouldn't have liked it either but you really need to let it go.
Your relationship with your daughter is too important.
Don't mention it again.

It really isn't. She was a brat then and still is. Looks like you both learned a valuable lesson about snooping where your noses didn't belong.

However the time to deal with that has passed OP. That kind of humour is a return the same energy when it happened.

You need to let it go and if something similar happens again then you don't let it get there and then. You need a comeback.

I agree. I heard my mum quite a few times to be honest. I used to have to wrap my pillow around my head and move my head to try and mask the sound of that makes sense. Also found a few sex toys in her room over the years - really gross. My friend and I found a whip in her mum’s room when we were about 5 and she managed to whip me across the nose with it so I was obviously in tears.
I have got literally no idea how her mum explained that one to mine!

It was two years ago OP, I don’t know why you’re still ruminating over it. Nobody else will remember.

Your daughter is 30 years old.
She enjoyed a laugh at your expense. Her friends laughing with her was more important than your feelings. I am not surprised you are hurt.
She is old enough to apologise but I suspect she won’t.
I would try to get over it though. But you don’t have to forget it. Nor actually forget that at 8 she somehow managed to know your password to your safe. And went looking through it.

menopause does this. it makes things from the past become out of proportion. it did for me anyway. I look back at the 2 or 3 years when it really affected me and realise that at time i must have come across as batshit.

I can remember hearing my parents have sex when I was young (even though they thought we were asleep and they were being quiet) and I also remember finding 'sex books' in my Mums bedside drawer once. One of them was called 'The Joy of Sex' or something like that. My brother and I were 10 and 12 and found it hilarious and of course we looked at it.😂

Both my DD's interrupted us having sex at least once when they were young.

Honestly, I think you are definitely being very precious about this. It was a hen do, everyone would have been sharing stories and I doubt anyone else has given this a second thought.

I can't wait to go to my DD's hen do next year and I fully expect it to get a little lairy and cheeky at times. I can't wait 😂

I think its a little weird you have hung onto this for 2 years allowing resentment to build. I think you need to ask yourself why?

I know my own mum would absolutely hate that sort of thing, I would never make comments like that about her for this reason. I wouldn’t like it either. So I get it.

You do have to let it though. Your daughter, most likely because she was caught up in the heat of the moment, made those comments but you can’t hold on to it forever.

I think the fact she won't apologise even though she knows she hurt and embarrassed you is a problem. That is not respectful or caring. Even if she just was just sorry that she caused you those feelings, while still holding on to the idea she wasn't out of order, i.e that wasn't her intention but she cares that it was the result.
I think not accepting that you were hurt by what she did and not being able to apologise for that indicates strongly that it was intentional on some level.

I would be mortified and would expect my adult kids not to do that infront of me. I am sure they have embarrassing things to say about me, and if they do so privately with their SO or friends that is normal. If they do so in company that includes me it is atonishingly nasty and intentional.

That was really rude, embarrassing for the average person and upsetting that she did it in front of lots of people.

I would tell her again how it’s affecting you and how upset you are and that you really don’t think she apologised sincerely or has empathised at all.

As she is your daughter and I assume you otherwise have a nice relationship and don’t want to spoil it, try and move past it after that. I understand your feelings though and she needs to know that the brushing it off is making it worse not better.

If she realises how much it upset you she should be able to empathise that just because she wouldn’t be embarrassed by these comments, it doesn’t mean you weren’t or should just get over it.

I’m wondering if this more related to your internalised shame about sex and sex toys etc.

Id have found this funny. I can understand why you might not. To hold a grudge all this time id ridiculous.

Not all Hen do's are a vulgar fest.

Low class women may naturally gravitate to low class conversation, but many educated intelligent women can gather together, have a great evening without resorting to speaking about sex and boring others about their sex life.

There really is more to life than sex, even in your 20's.

Some women have a broader range of conversation in a world where so much is going on.

They don't have to impose such a dull topic and bore the arse off others with their need to be vulgar and out do each other with banter 🙄.

"Banter" as a word fits right in with such inane conversation, and the race to the bottom that some like to participate in

I certainly wouldn't attend my daughters Hen, but if I did I have confidence in her not to make a show of herself by being so rude and disrespectful to me.

To my mind her dismissing your upset makes it so much worse.

OP, I think your relationship with her need some firm boundaries.

There is no way I would tolerate such behaviour.

I heard my parents having sex, never mentioned it. Why would I?

Your daughter invaded the privacy of your room and is proud of it?
I don't get her pfide in having invaded your privacy.
So what if you have a dildo, I do.
Absolutely no shame about it.
I still wouldn't be impressed with any of my children rooting around in my room.
Thankfully I think they knew better.

Using your divorce to embarrass you?
She's a piece of work.

I think it is very reasonable to have a very frank conversation with her and let her know that you cannot change what she did, of her refusal to own it, and accept your disappointment and her.
However, she doesn't get to control the fact that you were very disappointed in her and remain so.

Own your feelings OP.
So many women live lives of not doing so.

Why would that make any difference to whether her daughter empathises with her and is sorry?

If I really embarrassed my mum accidentally, even if I thought the comments were mild or not at all embarrassing, I would be genuinely sorry for embarrassing her. Most people with a good relationship with their mum would.

Everyone is on this earth because their parents had sex.
At least half of us have heard / accidentally caught / etc our parents "at it" or found something mortifying. I certainly have.

It was a game at a hen night - these things are rarely known for their subtlety.

I'd let it go.

I was going to say this OP.

It is what stood out to me, the need to embarrass while clearly judging your actions at the time by expressing them in front of an audience.

I personally couldn't imagine behaving like this towards my mother - alcohol and hen party games isn't an excuse either.

I agree with this. An 8 year old shouldn’t have to listen to adults having sex and she probably holds some resentment over this hence why she decided to come out with it years later

maybe the mum should apologise to her!

It was a party game. Her mum was present and it would have been much more tactful to say nothing, rather than not just answer in the affirmative, but go into unnecessary detail. Incredibly rude and disrespectful to then question why her mum was still having sex under the mistaken impression that her parents were in the middle of a divorce. I’d be livid. Having said that OP, I don’t think carrying the resentment is helpful or healthy. You’ve tackled her about it and she clearly doesn’t attach as much importance to it as you do, so I’d let it go. What I would say is that in future, I wouldn’t be holding back if something like this happens again. Call her out at the time and say your piece, then you can move on.

Yes this.

I don’t think any parent intends for their child to hear them having sex. It happens, and OP has nothing to apologise for. The fact that her DD found her dildo is her own fault for poking around where she shouldn’t be. If there was any resentment there it’s something that should be discussed properly in private, not dragged up at a party with the sole intention of causing embarrassment.

I think it’s just down to different generational attitudes to sex.

Your DD’s generation is far more open about sex, sex toys etc.

Her and her friends don’t think anything about you having sex or having a dildo. So they wouldn’t understand why you would find it embarrassing.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about OP. Let it go.

All the people saying she was 8 - no she was 30.
All the people saing she was drunk and it was a hen do - no she was sober and married.
The OP isn't much bothered about what her daughter did when she was 8, and the 30yo daughter is perfectly capable of saying "I'm sorry mum, I was drunk and excited as it was my hen do. I'm sorry I upset and embarrassed you in public, it won't happen again."
But instead she (30 and sober) mocks her mother for being hurt and embarrassed and tells her she is wrong.
Sorry OP, she has told you something of who she has decided to be. I'd be wary of social situations with her tbh. She is not who you hoped she was.