To resent my daughter?

[BeckyBloom]

My elder daughter who is 30 got married a couple of years ago and at the hen she completely embarrassed me. I could have bitten back but I didn’t want to spoil the mood as everyone was lovely and other than that we had a great time. It was a question about have you ever heard your parents having sex in one of the games. She said yes when she was 8, on a certain night and asked why I was doing it when I was in middle of a divorce. It wasn’t the middle, it was at the start of the text book bad behaviour, staying out etc. She then said she had found a dildo in my safe when she was 8 as she knew the password. This was said infront of her group of lovely friends, a couple of my friends and two family members.

It’s 2 years ago and I still can’t get over it as I would never embarrass someone like that. I’ve asked her for an apology and she just laughs and says it was banter and not embarrassing.

It’s really starting to affect how I feel about her as she obviously has no respect for me. Am I being precious and over the top?

Some very classy hen do’s people go to these days.

Mine was a meal in a restaurant. No smut. Just lovely conversations.

This is insane 🤣🤣🤣

It was 2 years ago. Gosh, let it go.
Why is that so utterly embarrassing that it's making you resent her?!

YANBU. I wouldn't have liked it at all.

It sounds to me like getting married brought up some issues for your daughter around the divorce and with the booze it came out in a weird way. That is the only way I can explain such a strange comment about the timing of the sex - the breakdown of your relationship was a very painful time for you, you would hope that by 30 and getting married herself she'd have developed some perspective on that and judgement about whether to raise an episode like that in a public forum.

I wouldn't have let it go at the time but - if it were me - I'd be approaching it from this perspective.

What the actual fuck?

Yes that's what it sounds like to me OP.
I think it sounds like pointedly hurtful behaviour.

I never understand the number of pp on MN who seem to think that normal standards of decent behaviour are suspended just because it's a hen do or a stag do. Why these dos have become an accepted part of a lot of people's weddings is a mystery to me. Especially when the fallout from them causes long term damage in a lot of instances.

I e only mentioned it once a while ago and if I’d been her I’d have just apologised. Not give me the answer she did. I didn’t expect so many opposing viewpoints tbh. Thank you to all the posters who understand… we have always had a respectful relationship which is why it hurts I guess.

Probably why mums and MILs don’t belong on hen dos!!

She was uncouth saying something like that (perhaps tipsy). Neither revelation is embarrassing though. Sex and sex toys are entirely mainstream for an adult 🤷🏼‍♀️

To all the posters who understand who say I’m living in the past, my family show respect to each and everyone, this is why it stands out. To the poster who said I’m jealous…? Absolutely not could not be more wrong.

My mum is hugely sexually repressed, massively disapproving prude.

I had to navigate sex in my teens years as I got no guidance or support from her.

so I made some embarrassing mistakes and on occasions my parents heard me. Whcih I hugely cringe about.

she will every so often bring up something like that in front of people. Maybe veiled as a joke but it’s in the very disapproving way and is clearly meant to shame me. Which it does.

I hate it.

hut it’s just one facet of our relationship where she was deeply emotionally unavailable and emotionally neglectful.

Who initiated the divorce @BeckyBloom ? Sounds like it could have been a pointed remark about why you and your ex split up (and presumably caused her upset in the process) rather than her trying to humiliate you about sex per se. Maybe she was saying, if you were still close enough to be having sex, why did you split, iyswim? It's somewhat black and white thinking about relationship ups and downs/breakdowns, and perhaps coming from someone who was in the "honeymoon" phase (almost literally) of her own relationship. But she may have been holding onto the feeling since she was a child, and then having heightened thoughts about it again in the run up to her own wedding, having her divorced parents present as a symbol of marriage not always working out. I'd cut her some slack if she's otherwise respectful to you.

Of course you have a sex life how do children think they were conceived then 🙄🙄🙄 (no offence to AI etc)

Good advice on the board, also own it. She wasn’t lying.

I think if I was a guest at the hen I would be heavily querying the daughter for saying this, not you. She embarrassed herself that night. I also really hate how the word ‘banter’ is now a catch all excuse for legitimising saying something belittling and shitty. Banter is when two people male well matched funny comments at each other, not humiliating someone on purpose.

anyway, you do need to find a way to deal with this. I cannot believe she has not apologised and dismissed this but you need to work out for yourself how you can move on from this (and no I do not think it is fair it is down to you and if it was any other relationship the advice would be different). I do feel for you

I think that parents and a hen do dont really mix. I am not saying parents shouldnt attend, but if they end up being the kind of bawdy drunken type of hen do- that sort of clashes with the parental relationship, its just like oil and water, they dont mix well. Hen do's that fit this type are more appropriate for friends, than family members if embarrassing sex stories are going to be shared etc

That said, it was said in drunken jest and so let it go. It's a teeny tiny thing in the scheme of things to hold on to and be upset about.

Actually, the best thing you could do is laugh it off eg "thank goodness you didnt find my other secret stash hidden at the back of the wardrobe". Nothing wrong with enjoying sex. It isnt 1800. If you laugh about it yourself then noone can actually make you feel weird or embarrassed.

I have found that agreement/laughter is the best way to take the hurt out of pointed comments. "Any person capable of angering you, becomes your master".

Your feelings are perfectly valid OP.

Please don't let the very " anything goes " on a hen do attitude of a lot of posters on MN upset you.

She was hurtful to you in front of her friends. Whatever the occasion that was not acceptable behaviour. And it is bound to have dented your trust in your relationship with her.

I’d hit the fucking roof if my children were so disrespectful to me.

The fact it stands out is exactly why you need to stop obsessing over it. It was ONE incident in 30 years. I can see why you were mortified at the time but a) it was a hen do and b) everyone was probably drunk. It's really odd that you're still fixating on this one thing after two bloody years.

"... who say I’m living in the past, my family show respect to each and everyone, this is why it stands out." So you are damaging your actual relationship with your daughter because on her hen do she let slip something that you feels ruins the image you want to project to others. No one cares about this apart from you. No one. It is completely your choice to hang onto this.

I think she should apologise for embarrassing you, the issue is she's not accepting that it was embarrassing. I do think this is why mothers shouldn't be on hen do's though. Things are easier to 'get over' when someone has apologised. She doesn't need to agree that you should have been embarrassed, she simply needs to accept that you were.

And this is the reason why I had 2 hen do's! One for the family, just a meal in a nice restaurant, and one for friends, copious amounts of drinking involved! It really wouldn't bother me at all if my daughter said this, and to still feel resentment after years? Unclench and just let it go...

It was 3 years before the divorce, I’d just started to suspect my ex and then he carried on a relationship until I left as he wouldn’t. So her timeline was confused.

Honestly, for her to bring it up in relation to your divorce I would be more concerned that she found hearing you have sex really confusing at an already difficult time rather than concentrating on you feeling disrespected.

Hearing you have sex might have made her think you were likely to work things out... to a small child the fact that you can be affectionate with someone you no longer love enough to stay with is hard to fathom. When my parents divorced I was really stuck on the fact that they'd held hands a few days before. I was sure this meant it was a temporary thing and hoped for ages that they'd make up and get back together 🤷‍♀️

Ideally she shouldn't have brought it up, but preparing to get married is emotional and I can see how it could have brought this memory up again.