AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

[Stepmumgreen]

I am a step-mum to two girls who moved in with my husband and me full-time 2 years ago after a 50/50 custody arrangement with their biological mother fell through. On the whole things have been fine as its no different to the 50/50 arrangement in that they have all their belongings here and their own individual bedrooms. I let my husband take the lead on discipline as I do not feel that is my place, but the only flaw is the bedtime arrangement
The eldest is 17 so I understand "bedtime" doesn't have to be enforced as such, but my husband and I get no alone tme whatsoever. She will stay up until we go to bed and then immediately retreat to bed herself when we do. Is it unreasonable for us to ask her to go to bed 30 minutes before we do purely for our own space so that we can catch up and reflect on our day without a teen listening in? We are not asking for them both to disappear for an extended time, just a 30 minute window at the end of the day to debrief.

Yes.

sorry.

do your debrief in your bedroom.

Yes unreasonable
This is her home
and if anyone was to say anything - it would be her father

There’s no reason you can’t talk in your bedroom. It’s unusual for a teen to never want their own space in their room though

I’m really sorry but I disagree. How nice she wants to spend time with you as a family. I’m sorry but I think it’s really harsh to ask her to go away and be excluded. Go up to bed early and chat in bed instead.

Why can’t you do that when you go to bed?

It is hard, I'm in a blended family and my DD will often sit up until after we have gone to bed too (she's 19 and home from uni). We just move the debrief to when we are in bed.

I have a soon to be 17 year old who is packed off to get ready for bed at around 10pm. She can read or whatever in her bedroom for a bit but I need some adult only time and I want that to be in my living room. I think if they are in education they should be going to bed at a decent time anyway.

But as this is your step child get her dad to tell her.

Unfortunately this is a stage of life.

Yes you’d be unreasonable as how do you even know when you want to go to bed to ask her to leave half an hour before?

If you want alone time it’s just going to be a case of in your bedroom for a while.

When my kids were teens, DH and I had a pre-dinner visit/drink. Kids were told to make themselves scarce while we chatted. They never seemed to mind. Can you find another time for alone time with your partner?

I have the same problem with my own DD. Just go to your bedroom earlier and discuss everything there.

Totally unreasonable.

You married a man who already had children. Why did the 50/50 fall through? How do you think this kid feels about that? Don't push her out.

She’s 17 so no your can’t enforce a bedtime.

But that doesn’t mean you all need to be on top of each other at all times. Presumably you have other rooms? A kitchen with a table and chairs? A conservatory or snug or study or something? Even if just your bedroom? somewhere to go to get you time or your and DH time without her there?

Of course it might feel like you are being pushed out of parts of your own house, but you all live there and so, however you may or may not feel about it, it is home for all of you. A shared space and just as important to her as you. She’s not a guest and shouldn’t be made to feel unwelcome. But you will all want time apart - it makes the together times better/ easier. You can’t force a 17 year old to go to bed, but you can take yourself off somewhere, or if she is doing something that’s distracting you all, ask nicely if she might want to do it somewhere else. Learn to share the space, and perhaps adapt how you use your spaces. TV in kitchen or bedroom if you want to watch something else. Glass of wine in the garden if you want a debrief with your DH.

As a teenager I obviously spent lots of time in my room, but I also did family time and I would also spend time sat in the kitchen playing a guitar and writing songs. Being downstairs to do that was a sort of halfway house for me. When I wanted to be with my family a bit, but also doing my own thing.

Sounds like she wants to spend time with you both after a lot of disruption in her young life. Rather than 'ask' to send her to her bedroom, you could both go to yours?

Why don’t you go to bed earlier and have some alone time with your DH in your bedroom?

I’m impressed your 17 yr old wants to be near you at all! It’s actually quite nice, she must be comfortable with you both. I wouldn’t say anything but carve out some time for an earlier bedtime and Just take a cup of tea to bed and catch up in your bedroom. Will only be a few years.

Yes, this is unreasonable.

It's fine at that age to have rules about noise late at night. It's also ok to have a curfew or similar for teens in school. But no, it's not ok to send her to bed just so you can have private time in the main living areas.

Go have private time in your bedroom or in another out of the way area of the house. My DH and I will go sit on the patio or his study and chat quietly on nice nights and will politely let our teens know that we need to talk just the two of us, but we don't kick them out of the kitchen or shared living areas (and certainly don't banish them to their rooms).

She's not a kid anymore. You can't give her a bed time.

Yes, it is unreasonable. If you’d like 30 mins alone, why can’t you go up to bed together 30 mins earlier and do your debrief there?

You need to go to bed earlier yourself.
Make sure you go out for an evening together regularly.
This is normal with teens.
They don't go to bed early.

I feel your pain but YABU, it's as much her living room as yours. But....

DH and I used to snuggle up together on the sofa to watch TV which soon had everyone scatter, maybe give that a go. DH also sometimes put fishing programme on the TV which also had the desired effect 😆.

Otherwise, just wait, they'll move out soon enough!

Yes it's unreasonable. But I so wish it wasn't. My 18 year old is always in the same room as us. We can never get away from her. We have snatched conversations when we get the chance and it's draining.

We had a 9.30pm rule on several nights in this house so that Dh and I got the lounge to ourselves where we could watch tv that may not have been appropriate for young teens.

This was agreed in advance with the children. We always have a family dinner together where everyone chats then most of the time we watched a 30 minute tv show together.

They had their own lounge so it wasn't like we were telling them to go to bed just that on some weekday evenings we would like to just be us. They could also be in their rooms if they wanted.

Sometimes there were up later than us so we all said goodnight when we were heading to bed so that last one up knew to set the house alarm.

I don't think there is anything wrong with adults in a relationship to want time to themselves in their own house and they shouldn't have to slink off to their bedroom to do it.

Like WHY? When my husband and I were younger we spent time in two house shares with other married/paired couples and we NEVER had to send the other couple to bed to have alone time! You go and have these private chats in your bedroom or another room! Sending a child to bed so you can talk to your husband is appropriate when they are 7 NOT 17.

YABU. if you and husband want alone time, you both go to your bedroom and have it there.

You had a separate lounge! Totally different scenario!