To wish I’d never had children

[thegreenlight]

I have 2 autistic/adhd boys 8 and 13. The eldest has been difficult all his life, spiky and hard to please. Awful behaviour at school from nursery. Behaving inappropriately with others. He hates talking about anything other than his interests and struggles with friendships but very bright. Currently out of school due to mental health issues and we are waiting for his EHCP to come through. I genuinely can’t think of a single time I have been proud of him like a normal mum would be. No awards, sports, good reports, friendships. Everything has been fraught and hard. Youngest is the opposite, developmentally delayed and very loving but again, no sports, friends or normal activities. He too misbehaves at school.

My eldest was just shouting about no one understanding him, how nothing ever goes right for him and how his life is so awful and my husband said after when I was upset ‘they’ll grow up and leave and then it will be just us again’. So what was the point? Why bother having them? I never wanted children, my husband did and basically gave me an ultimatum that at some time in his life he wanted children. We waited until I was 30 and had been married 9 years. I just wish I hadn’t caved. I take very little joy in them. My life has been such a mistake.

That’s very sad, that your husband said such a thing and as hard as it is, to both feel like that about your own children. I’ve no words to describe how sad it is,

I’m sorry, sounds so stressful. No judgement here, it’s fucking hard work having autistic kids

How does your husband even think they'll leave home? How does he think they'll afford to?

I have autistic children and I’m also autistic and I know how hard it is. But that’s terrible what your husband said. I know how hard it can be but those boys didn’t ask to be brought into this world, maybe your husband should remember that.

They won't leave home though will they, we have 3 children, our youngest is profoundly autistic and disabled in other ways, we know he won't leave home so we make plans and live in a way that works for us, accepting something sometimes makes it mentally a bit easier to cope with.

I wish I hadn’t - I have poured so much in to get so little out. I have no mum friends as their behaviour is so odd we never get invited anywhere. No parties, no play dates. I have been on edge and hyper vigilant for triggers and risks for so so long. I’m just so tired.

You sound exhausted. I don’t have any advice to give but just wanted to send solidarity and best wishes. It sounds like very hard work and I’m really sorry you feel this way.

Edited to add, I hope people with some good advice / support will be along soon x

Linda really tough @thegreenlight

have you looked into local support groups of other parents to children like yours?

Im sure my husband is in denial - I have had to fight single handily for every bit of support we have got. I did everything alone, the forms, the parent conversations, the mediation.

Knowing Mumsnet, I'm sure many posters will be along soon to kick you whilst you're down. Before they do, I just want to say that plenty of women regret having children, even when they're neurotypical and well behaved. Having autistic children with challenging behaviours is even harder, so I understand how you feel and I'm sorry you're struggling.

I’m too hurt by people to look into groups. I can’t be rejected again so I just keep myself to myself. I don’t want to just talk about my children’s difficulties. That would be all we have in common and I’m exhausted dealing with it for myself and always get put upon to write emails/fill out forms/ make suggestions for people as I used to be a teacher and I can barely deal with my own situation let alone anyone elses

That especially doesn't help when you are the only one doing the support work, hr needs to be involved, to do his share.

So sorry

He now does drop offs and pick ups since I left teaching (one of the reasons was I couldn’t bear to spend so much time around normal children that reminded me of the life mine didn’t have) but the SEN side is always just me and it’s a lot.

That sounds very tough and I’m empathetic to your situation. Parenting now just seems SO much harder than when I was younger. Every other person has children with EBSA, tricky neurodivergence, anxiety or some other condition that has the poor parent lying awake at night wondering how they will survive the coming years.

We have a handful of such cases in our own family and the parents are completely drained and all out of ideas. I feel we need to warn people now before having a baby, for the very real possibility they will need eternal parenting and be very difficult to manage and probably never fully independent.

How on earth have we got here.

I remember another poster on here with a disabled DC saying ‘I lost everything to being a mother, and gained very little in return’ and that always stuck with me. You’re obviously not the only person feeling this way. 💐

I deserve a kicking - it must be something I’ve done. I’ve tried so hard to give them everything at the expense of myself but it’s got me no where. I feel their pain and confusion so deeply in every fibre of my being. I’ve fought so hard for them but I can’t say I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve tried, I’ve plastered on a smile. People describe me as an eternal optimist, always smiling. But it’s a lie.

OP it sounds really hard, I am so sorry it's been such a struggle. I hope things become easier. Wishing you well 🫂

It will never be easier. I kept that hope for years - when we get this, when we get there, when they turn x years but it’s just got worse and worse and worse. I’ve lost hope now.

You haven’t done anything wrong OP. For reasons unknown this is now a really common scenario. Just look at this website - so many posts like yours.

Gosh, no-one sounds happy, so things have to change.
Firstly why are your son's sports and friends so important to you? Who gives a toot about play dates? You don't need mum friends, make friends at work or at the gym.

I'm sure when he is coding or playing Minecraft or watching youtube, your ds is happy. Isn't that enough? What is he good at? He needs to know you love him and are proud of him.
My ds was much the same, few friends, hated parties and play dates. No sport, very bright, going to study engineering. I'm proud of him every day and I'm sure he'll meet his tribe reading engineering.

Look at the things your ds CAN do and focus on those. Drawing, coding, Roblox, good with animals or science or whatever, encourage him and take pride in those things. Tell him how proud you are.

Maybe see a gp about your low mood. And book at least one afternoon a week to yourself- swim, sauna, yoga, eating cake - but just for you. Leave your dh in charge.

Don’t plaster on a smile. That’s just another burden to manage. Be authentic with other people (like you’ve been here on MN) - they are either with you, or not worth it. Vulnerability is nothing to be ashamed of. People respond to it in surprising ways. No one will kick you, as you’re kicking yourself hard enough! Be kind to yourself op. 💐

The problem with encouraging screen activities and nothing else is they MAY go on to study engineering like your DS, or they might end up gaming in their parents box room for life, developing ‘anxiety’ as they never do anything else or interact with the outside world

If you left your husband you could have some time off from the boys… easier to cope with them when it’s only 50% of the time.

You don't deserve it at all, OP, it's just a rotten hand life has dealt you.

I wonder if some counselling might help you?