Hate having plans for things I enjoy

[Manchegomango]

I really hate having set plans even if they are things im looking forward to.
I have a couple of parties and trips away this summer (no big holiday) and even though I am excited about them all I just hate the feeling that I already know my time is accounted for.
Same with weekends - if I have somewhere i need to be on Saturday, even if its something great, I feel like my weekend has been used up.
Anyone relate??

Thanks!

The thing I’ve often noticed about those that rate spontaneity above everything else is that is often seems to go alongside an inability to make a decision, to commit to anything, it comes from a fear that if they commit to something then they might miss out on something better.

Of course the trouble with that is that they often then miss out on something that would have been great and end up with nothing much at all.

(And, of course, it can make their friends who are trying to plan something feel like they’re not really valued. That the person doesn’t want to commit in case something or someone better comes along!)

The thing is, actual spontaneous things are great, but you can't really guarantee that they'll happen because by definition they are unplanned. The other day DH and I were having a walk and came across a brilliant country pub- had no idea it was there- so we stopped for lunch spontaneously- lovely, and it was probably more enjoyable for having been spontaneous. But it might not have happened.

Being open to a bit of spontaneity and serendipity- fab.
Refusing to make any plans because it might interfere with your ability to be spontaneous- not so fab, at least for me.

I don’t particularly like plans, but I do prefer them to trying to make a quick decision with people who have no opinion or are reluctant to state a preference.

I decided to go on a spontaneous holiday once, with the plan being that I’d arrive in Rome & find somewhere to stay. This was pre-internet. In practice, this meant I wasted a whole day sorting myself out. Not worth it.

I love to plan my holiday, although once we are there I much rather decide what to do on the day than have anything organised.
Apart from that I get what you mean. Sometimes it has to be done if I am meeting a few friends but generally I would rather not plan too many things.
it’s much easier to do now that my kids are off at uni.

I've got a friend like you, OP. Absolutely charming chap.

I don't see much of him because unfortunately my life doesn't permit me to be as spontaneous as his does.

Do you not have work deadlines, kids with plans, a partner with plans? If you're genuinely completely a free agent then that does sound wonderful, although in the real world nice pubs get booked up, tickets sell out and it turns out there are no food options at some venues (I'm gluten intolerant too so it's plan ahead or go hungry).

You must be great company though for your 'planner" friends to put up with it, so there's that.

I don't think it's always ND related though I do think that ADHD can lend people to prefer less structure. I think it can be cultural as well - some cultures place more value on relationships than time, which seems to fit the model of not being so bothered about being tied to an exact time and being together with the person feeling more important than exactly what happens when you are together. There are some interesting articles about monochronic vs polychronic cultures. (UK is monochronic - time is considered sacrosanct and being late is a mark of disrespect).

I live in Germany (land of planners, it is surprising there is even a translation for spontenaeity) and I used to have a neighbour who had moved from Kenya. We talked a lot because I think he liked the fact we were both English speaking immigrants, and he was always expressing how he couldn't get his head around the German tendency to book everything up months in advance and how, for example, he couldn't just turn up at the swimming pool with his children and add them to the swimming lesson which was currently going on, or a summer holiday childcare club. I did try to explain about safety ratios and insurance but he couldn't get his head around it. When I suggested booking in for the next available course he would look aghast as though this was a crazy suggestion, although TBF it is a bit of a silly system where booking opens online on a particular day and you have to be fast to get a spot.

I have never been to Kenya so I don't know if he was right that things are much more spontaneous there and perhaps they don't have supervision ratios. He seemed to think so, but it could have just been his personality. He was a bit of a liability because he would do things like ask me if I could pick up his daughter from Kindergarten (where mine went as well) and have her to play for a couple of hours. No problem - except he never gave me his own phone number, so when nobody came to collect her and I called his wife to find out when she was coming, she said sorry but she was in a German course for the next 2 hours! I always ended up babysitting for much longer than the time stated.

I'm the same, I thought it was just me being odd! I'm a real organiser but then I feel like you when I've organised things to do😅It's a real paradox.

I like spontaneity, but it also can mean that the thing you want to happen doesn't, so it needs to be a balance between that and planning.

Big groups: need to plan so everyone is free to attend

Want to visit a particular restaurant - in my city, if you don't book, you probably won't get in anywhere decent Thurs-Sun without a reservation.

Ditto things like spas, or theatre, gigs, holidays etc - need to be booked in advance or is unlikely to have space for last minute walk ins.

Childcare is a legit reason, but even people without kids, we make other plans with other people or for other things - your floaty last-minute-ness is stressful when I want to see you, but also want to get my errands done and see other people and do my hobbies and and and...

It tends to end up with the organised person waiting around for the "spontaneous" one to be ready, and so it often comes across as selfish and thinking that your time and convenience is more important than other people's.

It's nice to get a last minute call of "oh, it's a lovely day, let's do X", but you need to be ok with me saying "No, I already have plans" most of those times.

Also it's deeply frustrating trying to make plans with people who won't commit, and your dislike of planning can easily come across as not thinking other people are important and wanting to keep your options open for a better offer, so it can be hurtful. All things to be mindful of.

Omg Im the exact opposite!
I loathe people who faff about and wont just say
"10am Sunday"
so you hang about waiting on her Majesty, its all a rush, theres nowhere booked for lunch and you end up going to various different places and exhausted
Its smacks of control to me, liking keeping people on their toes, changing everything
YABVVU !

I happily plan stuff but when the day arrives I never want to go! I wake up thinking ‘oh no I’ve got to go out’ when up until that morning I’ve been really looking forward to it. Today is a case in point: agreed to meet a good friend at a lovely restaurant by the river, I can drive there no issue… but I’d rather stay home! Then of course I do go out have a great time and feel all the better for it.

Last time I felt like this is when I attended an expensive wedding in the Cotswolds.
There was a detailed plan of about 15 things starting at 2pm and ending at midnight.

It's good I didn't know this before the wedding as it would have felt overwhelming.

It seems odd to me that you'd be surprised that an event has a plan of things to be done, in order for the event to happen?

All of this.

Spontaneously doing things is lovely but not compatible with having a life which involves other people.

Just last night I was missing the days DH and I used to hop in the convertible and randomly head out to a village for chippy tea and ice cream. Doesn't happen so much now with a child and "school nights" etc. But also less so in other free time because we have plans with friends/family, plans for DD, days out we've had to book in advance, etc.

Appointments. More demanding careers. The dog needs considering. Parents need support. Most people have at least some if these things or others to factor in, alongside their social lives, so a bit of organisation is necessary to facilitate it.

People who hate planning can then end up feeling "left out" or lonely, because no-one is available last minute. Because, life.

Of course I'd expect an itinerary at a wedding!! It was the sheer number of the things on it. That's all.

From 2pm till midnight. I couldn't stay for all of it.

My husband is very resistant to planning and insists its better to be spontaneous. I don't entirely disagree but a lot of the time things just aren't set up for that.

He'll get in touch with friends and ask if they fancy going for a drink and is really surprised and put out that they have plans already. So much needs to be booked in advance these days or there is a high risk you can't do it. We even have to book a slot for the tip, for "normal" swimming sessions etc. And as for spontaneously deciding you fancy eating out at x on Friday or Saturday night, tough luck if you don't have a booking.

At his request I stopped booking so many social things in advance but he realised it meant we then wasted a lot of the weekend sitting around because our friends were busy and inspiration had not hit him after all.

Exactly you are always left hanging around for the spontaneous person to decide they are free or waiting for them to decide to be hungry or whatever. It's irritating. And life still has to happen, doctors/dentists/hairdressers/food delivery's etc. Most adults arent students dossing about every day
If someone isn't prepared to commit to basic timings I would find something else to do

Not everything needs to be completely rigid, and a level of spontaneity is fun, but completely vague maybe we might see each other this weekend if I feel like it is really annoying and hard to work with. You can always change plans if say the weather changes

No cos if you decide to back out on the day, everyone else might already be busy and then I have no one to do stuff with! 😆

Sorry but I am a "book a date" person - I would literally never see some people if I didn't pin them down to a date well in advance as they are always doing stuff! I like to know I have fun stuff coming, rather than be relying on people "feeling it" on the day

Same. I once went on holiday with a friend who had an itinerary. It was hellish.

Because maybe they know you need to book in advance to get somewhere nice to eat. But if youre happy with a spar cheese sandwich you do you 🤷🏼‍♀️

I like a plan, then I can plan my escape 🤣

I need plans in advance. I need to know timings, how I’m getting there, exactly who’s coming, what time it will finish etc. Without plans I get really anxious and don’t want to go.

Fun is only fun when it’s organised and there are rules 😂

I think we need to know the type of car? Merc / Saab / 2CV?

I generally like having plans, but I do need a weekend off now and then, I try to alternate busy weekends with quiet ones if I can, or if I have a really busy whole week, then a quieter one after.

Yes I feel this way but I’m neurodivergent