Hate having plans for things I enjoy

[Manchegomango]

I really hate having set plans even if they are things im looking forward to.
I have a couple of parties and trips away this summer (no big holiday) and even though I am excited about them all I just hate the feeling that I already know my time is accounted for.
Same with weekends - if I have somewhere i need to be on Saturday, even if its something great, I feel like my weekend has been used up.
Anyone relate??

I completely agree with this: if you don’t know what your options, costs and deadlines are you just won’t get anything done. People who live without any structure at all tend not only to make a mess of their own lives but to inconvenience others.

But there is a happy medium and quite a lot of the military style planning that takes place in corporate and personal life is just overkill. We do this a lot with some of our clients: we bombard them with spreadsheets and tables of information, knowing that things will change and the information will rapidly become irrelevant.

Similarly in our social lives there is usually an overbearing “planner” in every group and on every WhatsApp thread, trying to impose military discipline, usually in the form of pass ag messages that couch bullying in the form of “gentle reminders”. It’s burdensome and mostly unnecessary and I maintain that most people who do this are driven by control as opposed to a desire for efficiency.

I like my friends and the things we do together. I enjoy the anticipation of something I’m looking forward to.

It depends on your lifestyle, DH and I get 1 weekend off together a month so if people want to see us, it has to be booked in advance!

I have friends like you and honestly I find them completely self-centred. Of course we’d all like to just do whatever we like at the moment we felt like it with none of the boring planning, but we need to factor other people into our plans who aren’t just sitting around ready to jump up when the fancy takes you.

Same with the booking places for lunch etc - sure, if you think there will be a plethora of nice places with a table just for you at the moment you decide you fancy it. Unfortunately the world doesn’t work like that, and by failing to plan you end up traipsing around looking for something that works or with nowhere to go at all.

I am the opposite to you and I have a couple of friends with your approach and believe me, it’s just as infuriating the other way round 😂
if everyone waited until the day to make an arrangement most people would already be busy with something else. It also doesn’t take into account that for many of us free time is precious and has to be arranged around caring responsibilities, work etc so if the day gets wasted due to lack of planning it’s quite frustrating!
Also the number of times I have wandered somewhere, having been encouraged to play it by ear for a meal and everywhere decent is full and reservation only. Often only the unpopular places or chains are left.
It’s a great idea in theory but rarely works out in my experience.

I used to be like this but TBH it was a bit shit because I would constantly be late for things or find out that something was too expensive when not booked in advance or people wouldn't be available last minute or we'd all get stressed out trying to make a decision in the moment. Everything seems to take forever when you're being spontaneous and work less well.

My mum is still like it and when we get together it takes all day to do about two things, because she has to sit down and have a cup of tea, and then by the time we've talked about it and got carried away chatting on somebody is hungry and then by the time we've discussed what to eat and made that and eaten it and tidied up it's getting late and we only have time to do one thing not the other things we'd thought about doing previously, which we would have had time to do if we had thought about it earlier and paid attention to the time.

In some ways I don't mind, because being with the person is the thing I want to do and it's still lovely to spend time with them whatever we are doing. But it can be a bit frustrating compared with my experience spending more time at pre planned activities with more planning orientated friends. And for my DH who is much more introverted and who would prefer to see people in short bursts, he can't stand all the dithering and finds it really stressful.

I thought this was part of my ADHD TBH so I'm surprised to see so many people relate to it. Maybe it is a Myers Briggs type thing after all, I am a Perceiver and DH is a Judger

I don’t have kids which makes it far easier for me to wake up on a free day & just decide to do something, & then if I feel like it change my mind halfway there & do something else.

But I’m busy, & my friends & family are mostly busy, so if we want to do something together it has to be planned in advance.

@BertieBotts I have always wondered if I have ADHD too: planning and having to get to things on time stresses the fuck out of me although I have had to learn to deal with it so I am reasonably competent at it now. But I still hate it and I still privately resent “planners”.

You are correct though that being a seat of the pants person really enrages others so its not really worth it.

Hard cannot relate. One of my friends is on the same wave length as you and I try to accommodate her the best I can, but we live in a busy city and when she refuses to commit to booking a nice restaurant and we end up eating in some shitty Wetherspoons or chain restaurant it infuriates me. We’ve ended up paying extra for tickets because she’s refused to commit when tickets first get released. She doesn’t have to plan or research anything, it’s something i genuinely enjoy and she only needs to turn up.

Guessing you don't have kids or anything?

But they are taking the responsibility of planning it. They're asking what suits you. They don't know you have nothing else planned that day, do they? Or are you expecting them to know exactly what your day looks like and pick a time to suit everyone and just tell you?

If you've got plans booked it's not exactly taxing to agree what time you want to meet up, to allow people to be ready on time.

I think as an ex go with the flower who is now more of a planner, if I asked what time you want to go on Sunday and you don't want to give a specific time btw, I'd be totally happy with a response of "I don't really mind/haven't thought about it yet, whatever works for you". That gives me freedom to plan it however works for me and then I would probably give a reply like "ok I'll be there at 5, see you Sunday"

Particularly because I don't drive, I do find I need to plan transport in advance if I don't want to discover at the last minute that the train connection is shit and they only run once an hour or something.

My soul sister!

Coffee - Sept 18th at 10am

Yes absolutely. If you are a “go with the flow-er” you cannot expect to make the rules and have to abide by the decisions others make.

But I still think there’s usually a lot of unnecessary chivvying and nagging that goes with the territory of organising social stuff, much of which could be dispensed with.

I am a planner! Sorry

I have been out with some of you go with the flow'ers, you spend half your day deciding what to do, as no one will make a decision then turn up at a restaurant that's fully booked!

No thank you.

PicaK, didn't you say you had the plumber coming at 10.30? 😜

I work shifts so I know now until the end of August what my shifts are, I love going to the theatre so book tickets in advance as if its a popular show/event you can't wait until nearer the time.

I do realise I am at the extreme end - I have an irrational fear of not having things in the diary - I think I am "safe" if I have something to look forward to and nothing will happen to me!

I am a mixture I don’t mind having some dates booked in for somethings so they happen especially if its with a few people or for someones birthday. But I also like some spontaneity and free weekend to do something or nothing

I cant relate to this at all as I am the total opposite.

If I don't plan things I get really down and worry about where the next fun thing is coming from, I have nothing to be excited and look forward to.

I live for my holidays, if I don't have a holiday booked I really do feel more miserable about life in general, I need one in the diary to look forward to.

If I don't make plans in advance I feel like my free time ends up being wasted, I am not as efficient as I could be. If I plan a weekend I can make sure that I maximise fun time if I go with the flow I don't.

If I don't plan I end up procrastinating and wasting time, by planning I get on and do things.

Another one who is the opposite of this- I love having plans and seeing all the fun events set out in my diary.

I have a theatre booking in my diary for 2036. 10 years of wonderful anticipation!

Same. Hate having plans, makes me feel a bit claustrophobic, even for things I enjoy. So my sympathies!

I'm 100% the same OP!! I'll have something planned that IS something I enjoy and my for example will ask me a week before 'what time are you leaving' even though she doesn't need to know and it really winds me up 😅 I can feel my hackles going up with any perceived pressure if I feel it is utterly unnecessary or premature!

I have inattentive ADHD and am probably AuDHD if it makes any difference!

Hard disagree. I had an ex like this and it drove me insane. We never ended up doing anything good because by the time he decided to ‘go with the moment’ everything was booked up, or it was too late, etc. I never knew if I was going to see him or do anything with him from weekend to weekend so I either made my own plans and didn’t see him, or kept the weekend free in case he decided he wanted to be spontaneous and ended up doing nothing when he didn’t. All very exciting and free and spontaneous for him, shite for everyone else.

I dont like plans I like to do things on a whim,spontaneously etc.
I dont like everything set in to plan's.

Same as going on holiday or a day out, choose when im going and make it up as I go.

Same. DH was talking this morning about options for the BH weekend and honestly I don't want to tie it up much.

But also, if we didn't plan, we'd never do anything. What go with the flow people don't get when they're complaining about planners, is that more often than not, you need us. Because I know from experience if there isn't at least a vague plan or timing of things, we won't move quick enough to get there for the fun stuff. And we'll not actually manage to eat or we'll end up somewhere with rubbish but expensive food. Or we'll just not be able to decide on the day and end up home all day anyway.