Hate having plans for things I enjoy

[Manchegomango]

I really hate having set plans even if they are things im looking forward to.
I have a couple of parties and trips away this summer (no big holiday) and even though I am excited about them all I just hate the feeling that I already know my time is accounted for.
Same with weekends - if I have somewhere i need to be on Saturday, even if its something great, I feel like my weekend has been used up.
Anyone relate??

It's so fascinating how different we all are!

I'm the opposite, I love to have things planned out. It's gives me joy to look at my calendar and see things scheduled in. I don't particularly want every minute accounted for, but I like knowing I'll be eating at such and such a place, or going on a train at x time, it makes my brain feel calm.

I'm also a very anticipatory person, I'm already feeling excited about Autumn, despite it still being Spring. I'm mentally planning Christmas. It just makes my heart sing.

Spontaneity is fun in theory for me, but in practice I struggle with plans sprung on me. Although I would be happy to see family or good friends turn up on my doorstep unannounced.

I really can relate. I love weekends when I have no plans at all. And do what I want when I want. But to sustain friendships I do need to make plans at some point.

I remember some great spontaneous weekends as a student but afterwards I think planning ahead is the price you pay for getting to do almost anything with friends, especially if you have a medium or large circle of friends and want to do things together. What several of my friends do is have a protected weekend day (so if they have plans for Saturday they block Sunday in their calendar) and limit the weekday nights they plan things for.
Last night I was supposed to go out for dinner, which was organised by a friend of a friend with people I know. Originally it was a group of 12. The organiser never mentioned a time until the day before, and it turned out she had reserved a table for 6pm because she wanted to be home by 9pm. That didn’t work for most of the group so in the end only four of them went. When she didn’t specify a time, we all assumed 7ish/8ish, but 6pm just wasn’t doable on a school night. So planning for the day without planning a specific time isn’t always enough.

I hear you. Most definitely not a big planner outside of shall we go here on x day I'll meet you at x time. This is enough planning for me and in my mind that's all sorted and organised. My best friend however plans (and creates list) to cover all accountabilities. There's been many occasion when we've agreed to meet up but then she doesn't show because I've not confirmed it's still happening so she wasn't sure 🤔 surely unless someone cancels its organised and we don't need to discuss further 🤷‍♀️

If I didn’t know what I was doing that day, as soon as I wake up, then I honestly will just stay in bed and read my book until I could be bothered, late afternoon, to get up and potter around the house to do bits and pieces.

So, unless I want to become a hermit, I need my life scheduled in advance!

I love having plans to look forward to, makes me feel like I’m making the most out of life and not letting it pass me by – because I think I waste time unless I plan time. But it isn’t strange to me that people may feel the opposite.

My problem is getting sad when the nice plans are over. I always think it went so quick and I don’t have it to look forward to anymore. I think sometimes I enjoy looking forward to the thing more than the actual thing.

Personality thing isn’t it ? I always find it is the judging types in the Myers’s briggs who always want things planned in advance. . Perceiving go with the flow more.

I am probably in the middle. I don't like having plans for every day off or every minute. However I really hate it when people say "let's just see where we fancy for lunch" and it turns into an hour's discussion and walking around every available option debating each one before going back to the first. That is of course now full and 2 hours later I am starving and fed up as we still drag around talking about lunch and never actually deciding.

I’m a bit of both. I like having something to look forward to, but also hate being too tied up. I’m busy this Saturday, but then are glad I’ve Sunday and Monday free. Also, if we’re busy or away one weekend, then I need the next weekend free.

However, I couldn’t be as spontaneous as you. If I’m meeting for lunch, I need to know a time beforehand.

I think people naturally tend to fall on one side of this divide or the other. Planners, who have to have absolutely everything nailed down as early as possible, and seat-of-the-pants people who can't stand knowing everything in advance. I'm naturally very much in the latter camp. I find having an itinerary pinned to the last five minutes sucks all the joy out of life and it's usually unnecessary: there's a limit to what you can actually control in a situation.

A colleague emailed me yesterday to ask me whether I thought I was going to get x train or y train to a particular evening networking event which is in late June (the trains were within 15 minutes of each other). I felt like emailing him to say "Dude, I don't know what I'm having for dinner tonight, what makes you think I will be able to answer this now, particularly because it doesn't fucking matter?" I find that kind of planning to be controlling and a bit authoritarian.

I do think there are some things you unavoidably need to plan for. For example, if you want to have dinner at a popular restaurant in London on a weekend evening you need to book and work out how you're getting there. Anyone who thinks they can wing this is just needlessly inconveniencing their friends.

But people take planning to absurd extremes (as in the colleague example).

Most of the time I think its planning for planning's sake and a lot of it is people trying to exert control over others.

Agree with PP, I think there is a middle ground to be had.

Im generally a planner, not every second of the day, but I like to have an idea of what we’re going to be doing most days on holiday for example. I’ll leave some days free.

I went away with a friend who is more the spontaneous type and very much wanted to go with the flow. I did, and as a result there were a few things we wanted to do that we couldn’t, because it was fully booked. I was really pissed off as it’s not a place I’m likely to return to and didn’t get to see. She was equally disappointed!

Just thought of another area where theres a divide. Restaurant menus!!!
My mum and uncle ALWAYS look at the menu for a restaurant we are going to and decide im advance what they are having. Personally I lile to just sit down at the table and have discovering the menu to be part of the experience.
I do understand that its different if you have dietary requirements

I think I swing both ways to the extreme on this.

I love a good plan, I love to hyperfocus on what's going to happen and sometimes I just can't help myself it is like the thought of doing the thing sucks me into a rabbit hole. I hate surprises, and I really like the satisfaction of when everything goes to plan.

I also don't like committing to other people's plans whether that is days, weeks or months down the line, because the idea that I am being asked to commit to something I can't fully commit to is scary. I don't know if I will have the emotional or physical energy next Saturday when the weather is nice to go to the valley lake, or whether I will feel up to dining out and putting up with a party of 30 for your big birthday meal, or whether I'll be able to cope with screaming kids in a soft play in the school holidays.

I have disabilities that are not consistent day to day, and what I might be up for one day, I'm not necessarily the next, and if I agree to something then cancel, I would be seen as flaky. Those same disabilities are what make me so hell bent on getting the plan down to the T though, so I can budget my emotional and physical limits.

I think there is a balance to be had between the two polar opposites. If you’re planning to meet someone, it’s polite to arrange a time so they’re not hanging around waiting for you or can schedule other things into their day. However, you can also block out future periods of time. I do this with a relative who wants to plan visits in advance. I keep all my things I may be interested in in my calendar and just tell them I have plans if they overlap. Same with potential holiday dates, just because I like to book late, doesn’t mean I don’t intend to go and I don’t want a visit from X in its place

On Monday, I booked a short break for the family that will begin on Sunday. This was my DC's choice, and the place we thought we were going to go has a stormy forecast, so it's a big change from that.

All the 'must see' attractions - and there are about 4 that really should not be missed if you are in this city - released tickets in 6-week blocks, I'm guessing 6 weeks ago, so there is no chance of getting one at this point. There is a 3rd party seller's website that shows "6000 people have booked this ticket" in the last week, which will be only that site's share of the overall availability. I have booked 1 activity so far, which will be interesting but was expensive for our normal budget and it looks as if any similar smaller/quirkier places that might be on the agenda will be at least around the same.

A few weeks ago we were hoping to book a library tour in Oxford. They start at a half-hour tour and prices increase as the time does (1 hr or 1.5). The half hour alone would have been £75 for 3, and all slots, as with this holiday, were long gone.

Both cost and demand are really key to what makes me a planner.

I think I remember reading a thread on here where someone was bemoaning the fact that so much stuff today has to be ticketed and booked in advance

But strangely it was the opening up after lockdown that really amped up the idea that if you didn’t book, you weren’t going 🤷‍♀️

I feel the same and wonder if it’s along the lines of happily thinking you’re going to do say a task at home until someone else instructs or reminds you of it and then you just don’t want to do it. Could it be the same sort of thinking?

I am a control freak who on the one hand wants everything organised and known and then on the other hand just can’t bear to be pinned down to all the what time are we meeting/where are we meeting/what I’m going to wear?

I think there’s a constant internal battle going on for me. In my case I think there’s an over arching absolute hate of wasting money/spending more on something than could/should be the case so if planning is going to ensure money isn’t wasted then that will generally win the internal tussle.

Yes. Its nothing to do with a preference for spontaneity in my case though, as I don't care for that much either. For me is about autonomy. The older I get the more important it is to me to be in as much control of what I do as possible. Plans mean I won't be able to choose that day and I don't like it.
However I do like doing things, so what can you do?

I'm kind of the opposite to you OP - I love the planning, looking at the menu, deciding what to wear. Which is just as well, because it never works out the way it should! The last time I bought tickets for something it was for an outdoor concert, in August so I thought lovely, picnic tea, lovely surroundings, nice music. Well bugger me, it absolutely hammered down, there was no seating, no food stalls except for burgers (no veggie options). I will absolutely not book anything any more.

I do struggle to make decisions and plans too far in advance but I do also understand why it’s sometimes necessary. If you’re working with groups of more that about 4 people its almost impossible to be spontaneous. You need to have chosen a date and maybe booked something in order for it to happens at all.

Are you me ? I am exactly the same. Love having things booked in advance to look forward to . I also love planning, part of fun to research hotels and places will visit and imagining being there in a few months time.

I'm I think I by nature more spontaneous.

However with kids and in these modern times of ticketed events I have had to become a planner. I am in London, and there is very little chance of being able to get tickets to an event/restaurant/show just by turning up at the time

I think it's a life stage thing to a great degree. You can float along untethered, making plans on the fly when you're young and single.

When you have a partner, three kids, pets, elderly parents you're caring for and a job, it's either plan ahead or never have any time for yourself.

I'm definitely a planner. Having things sprinkled across the calendar to look forward to is what keeps me going through the tough times.

God I’m the exact opposite, I’d love to have all my exciting plans booked for the year if I can. I hate last minute plans, things get booked up or cost more last minute. Plus I like having things to look forward to and knowing I can relax on certain weekends as have plans booked the next