Hate having plans for things I enjoy

[Manchegomango]

I really hate having set plans even if they are things im looking forward to.
I have a couple of parties and trips away this summer (no big holiday) and even though I am excited about them all I just hate the feeling that I already know my time is accounted for.
Same with weekends - if I have somewhere i need to be on Saturday, even if its something great, I feel like my weekend has been used up.
Anyone relate??

I used to be fairly go-with-the-flow until I realised the joy of planning! No more traipsing round hungry and thirsty because I didn’t book a table anywhere. No more missing out on ticketed events or finding out there were quite literally no rooms in any of the inns…. It adds too much stress. I have a couple of “spontaneous” friends and I find them self absorbed and flakey when trying to invite them places. Maybe I shouldn’t bother?!

I find ‘no-plans’ friends a pain in t’arse so I don’t have any.

What if a group of friends are all ‘no-planners?’

You will never meet again.

What no-planners really mean is they are the free spirits and all that and you are expected to wait until they float down off their fluffy cloud and expect you to be grateful- no ta, love, I’m too busy seeing friends who respect me enough to make arrangements.

I think you need a mix of both!

Why not plan several days off when you can be totally spontaneous?

I do get what you mean and prefer to be spontaneous given the option, but realistically unless you have a very small circle and/or everyone is equally spontaneous you have to account for everyone's lives and commitments.

Not to sound arrogant but I have a lot of friends all over the country and make the effort to keep in touch and socialise with all of them, it wouldn't be possible if we all just saw how we felt on the day.

Edited to add that people have different budgets, and planning can allow them to plan for this. Being able to be spontaneous all the time is a privilege in terms of both money and time resources.

Another edit to add- a friend of mine suffers from very extreme anxiety and needs to know the plan. When I meet with her I allow her to plan everything to the last detail as I know it helps her, even though I could do without it.

Also a planner over here, absolutely hate waking up on a Saturday with no plans because I know it means we'll just dither about doing not very much then suddenly it'll be 3pm we've done nothing and it's too late to be getting started. We do have small children though so I much prefer to get up for the day knowing what's ahead of us.

Also hate the pressure of someone texting on the day or with just a few days notice and me always having to say 'sorry I can't' because I plan my life months in advance. Makes me feel like I'm letting them down.

Well... I'm an absolute nightmare for planning everything to the Nth degree. Small gap in my calendar?! Get something booked in! I end up with no available weekends or even small gaps of time, because I'm so booked up! And then I hate having such a packed schedule and being pleased when plans fall through 🤣🤣

So I'm my own worst enemy, but yes I relate

I've got theatre tickets for a big show in August. I've already had them over a year. If I hadn't got them I ran the risk of them being sold out Om getting some tickets today for a show in November. It's nice to have things to look forward too.

Your post has put me into a bit of a tizz. 🥴😵‍💫. I hate having to buy tickets in advance but I do like knowing what I’m going to be doing over the coming week or two. I don’t like time spent with friends having a schedule but I really want to know when arrangements are made exactly what time we will meet. I must be a split planner or something.

Have you ever just stuck to your way of doing things and just gone with the flow? I suppose your friends would have to accept you will either turn up or you won’t. But I’m wondering how much you will actually do / miss out on with that approach. Just thinking about it has made me a little anxious 😆

I am like this OP.

And I know that IABU as far as friends are concerned. They want dates in the diary, I don’t want to commit to a town or indoor day when the weather is glorious and I feel claustrophobic if my diary is too full.

I have had such a full on overwhelming parenting / working / family care based life that perfectly lovely offers of social events feel like demands. And repeated requests by relatives and friends, activities all mapped out, make me feel as if I am being project managed.

I need to find a middle way and be a better friend and feel better myself at the same time

I go away with a friend, she literally cannot make a decision - want to go to this restaurant or that - she panics! She cannot think and can't make a decision, if I relied on here to plan anything we would literally sit in the hotel all day.

I am a planner and tend to have plans for weekends for a month ahead, often two. We are in London and go to the theatre and concerts often, if anyone wanted to do that spontaneously they'd miss out because it would be fully booked or they'd get rubbish seats. Good restaurants and cafes get booked up, and even swimming needs to be booked in, as soon as slots open a week ahead. Then we have stuff like birthday parties and dc's extracurricular events, so everything needs to fit in around that. I have some events that I've booked for the Christmas period - they sell out or you get stuck with bad seats if you don't book ahead. I don't really spend time looking forward to it - often it gets booked and I don't think about it at all until the week before, then I am really glad that I got it sorted ages ago.

I don't like having to coordinate diaries with other people though so we mostly do things with just our family. DH doesn't have much of a social life of his own so I never need to check if he's free.

Completely agree. It's having the space to be spontaneous.

My sister cant plan anything it stresses her out but she has ADHD so not sure if its related. I have to have a plan as I am so busy with work, kids, and activities. If you give me a day and time, I can tell you what I will be doing!

My sister feels stressed if I ask her to commit to a time to meet, but if I dont it will never happen. She regularly cancels as something else she hadnt planned for came up and that has to take priority!

I am the exact same, I love having planned events. Then I can plan around them. If I want to have some downtime to chill, I just plan that too. Everything goes in my calendar. Plan plan plan!

How does she book holidays or go into a concert etc?

I hate making plans. What if I don’t want to do that on the day?! I don’t want to let people down, so I rarely make plans. Lovely quiet life!

I’m meeting a relative this Saturday and whilst I know it’ll be fun, I’m already resentful at the intrusion and planning the exhale when I get back home.

She has never been to a concert, she is on a lifetime holiday with her family but her DH did all the booking. I asked her what activities she had planned and she said nothing, she would figure it out when she gets there! I do know she will be stressed over there as everything then has to be planned on the day, they wont leave the hotel until late.
The holiday was booked about 6 weeks in advance but she only packed the night before. She does that all the time, leaves any packing to the very last minute. I think its an ADHD thing, she cant operate until she has a looming deadline and is under huge pressure.

Am in two minds!

I hard relate to the feeling of not wanting to do planned things, regardless of whether I have planned them or someone else has. I think this is my version of demand avoidance, which is pretty heavily masked. I just hate obligations of all kinds and am never in the right headspace and feel trapped.

Obvs the worst is something someone else commits you to, that is supposed to be fun, that you don't necessarily want to do, but have to. Yes I'm looking at you, hen nights. And also at you, DMIL, who every year says "we're coming to stay near you for July and will see you every weekend and at random times all week".

OTOH, being go with the flow and serendipitous is such a massive, massive privilege. If you are lucky enough to have discretion over your free time, it is not really fair to complain, or judge "planners" as they may not have your freedom. Sadly I am so choked with jealousy of OP I can't find it in my heart to be sympathetic about her plight... Oh boo hoo you have no childcare responsibilities and sometimes people invite you to things... !!!(This is joke by the way, I freely admit the jealousy is a me problem!!)

I would find that very stressful, surely that just exacerbates any issues?

I am kind of the opposite, especially now that I have a non-planner boyfriend because we would never go anywhere or do anything if we played everything by ear. Except I am very much not into looking at restaurant menus beyond a quick glance to see prices and general vibe. I’m always surprised by people who know what they’re having before they’ve even got there… how do they know what they’ll fancy on the day? What if the menu’s changed? What about the specials?

YES. This is one of the worst things about me. It's not even just "oh I have work on Monday morning". It's literally everything, even really fun stuff. I get myself worked up into a right tizzy, and absolutely dread everything.

When there's something in my diary, even a really fun concert, salon visit etc., I feel sick to my stomach. It's just KNOWING there's something, anything, in the diary. I crave that feeling of complete freedom.

I read that's it a form of neurodiversity, but no idea which one.

I’d love to not book ahead for eating out but there’s little worse than traipsing round being sent away from anywhere half decent because you’ve not booked. Seeing everyone who did book having nice meals while you get hungrier and colder and end up in a spoons.

You can change your mind on the day you know. But usually, I know what I'm having because I looked at it for prices and to make sure there was things that my fussy husband would eat, something my child would eat, and if going as an extended family that it covers the numerous dietary requirements. Then I have probably been thinking about a particular thing for a couple of days and really REALLY want it now.

I am the polar opposite and LOVE a plan to the point i have spreadsheet already planning dates in December ha ha! I get irritated by 'spontaneous' friends and family if I am trying to make a plan as I find them flakey like I agree to make plans with them then last minute they back out and I think - well I turned down this or that because of our plans. But I appreciate reading your post to understand my polar opposites point of view!

Oh my god @Rose785 i feel hemmed in and trapped just hearing about your spreadsheet 🥴😂
I never back out of plans I’ve made with people but I just commit to very few in the first place!