AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

[Giraffeowlllama]

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

You don't have to do something just because someone expects you to.

Agreed. Lots will never inherit anything (so the reality you have they’ll have forever) and to see parents money as really yours but deferred is quite morally bankrupt. Inheriting is not a right whether it’s given early or at the appropriate time.

They are unreasonable to expect you to provide all their care when they have loads of money to pay for care. They do sounds pretty mean with their money. You already do a lot for them and I think that they are taking you for granted.

OP, now you have told me a lot about the situation, I think you need to think about your own family and prioritise them, and if that means moving away, so be it. You've said so far that you have moved near your parents to help as they age, that you moved in for two months already to help your dad last year, and yet, you yourself have had cancer and lost your house, but your parents did not give you money then and aren't helping you now.

Adding this up with the fact they never gave you money at uni, just saying 'get a job', I suspect that the kindness in terms of real life sacrifice is only going one way- they like to do the odd lunch, which is still kind, but not on the same scale you are offering.

I would make sure that given they are very much saving their money for care needs, that you simply don't just step in and do all the caring, or live in an area that doesn't suit you and your family (and is expensive) unless that's what you genuinely want to do.

I can't understand this type of thinking, people saving for care costs when they have an excellent monthly income from their pensions, plus the state pension, plus investments, plus heaps in their current account. They are loaded- and don't want to share, and given this isn't a 'sharing' type of arrangement, I'd make sure you are truly giving and not just doing what's expected.

I do everything to support my children financially, my mum did with me and they in turn will support me and each other- it's how we are, and if it's not like that in your family, make sure you are not disadvantaged.

Maybe she doesn’t realise you’re struggling? Or she thinks your DH is taking the piss if he’s not working particularly if his disability is something like anxiety which wasn’t a thing in her day.

Her money
Her life

We should make our own way in this world and you’d be happier and less resentful if you stopped thinking about other peoples money

Make your life work for you
Don’t blame them because you moved close, you do sound resentful. Ultimately that was
your choice

Don’t assume their money won’t all go for their care. Or for whatever they want.

Don’t sit around waiting for other people’s money to make your life better. Be happy and make your own way in the world.

You provide a lot of help and support for your parents and the help only seems to go one way, from you to them.

They didn't help you while you were having cancer treatment, either with childcare or financially and they let you lose your home without lifting a finger to help you.

You are a very lovely and forgiving daughter to accept that you will be the one caring for your parents in their old age, as that is what they expect.

I would be very reluctant to take on the role of their carers when they have done very little indeed to help you and your family at crisis points in your life.

I agree. I couldn’t bear to know my child had painful toothache she couldn’t afford to sort out while I had money just sitting there.

Talk to her and just explain. She might not be aware!

Yet again I find the mumsnet attitude to family money utterly selfish and baffling 🤯

It’s just always so weirdly individualist and “pull the ladder up after you.” Is it because the memberships skews boomer?

I can’t imagine doing everything in my power to help my kids. But then I believe wealth should be redistributed on a societal level as well as a family one so maybe I’m just a massive commie

My God. This reply is so ickily, smugly priggish.

She doesn't say anywhere that she resents her mother having money or wants to dictate what she spends it on. But OP is struggling to make ends meet while her mother is sitting on thousands doing nothing in her current account and wouldn't miss a few grand thrown her daughter's way.

You need to ask her to help you.

We did and my husbands parents gave us thousands

It’s worth talking to her - how do you think she’d react?

But you don’t come across well at all. Your comment “they won’t be going into care” stands out. How can you be so confident that you and the carers will provide adequate? Are you worried they’ll end up in care homes?

Sorry just responding to your headliner.
There's no such thing as a future inheritance, cruises/range rovers/dream villas in Albania/casinos can destroy what you think is coming.
Just pointing that out. x

OP, you need to speak with her and your dad to see if there's any way they could gift you money now.
Perhaps they don't know how to go about it and you jointly need to see a financial advisor to mitigate the tax liabilities etc.
You cannot breath these days without the banks demanding to know what money came from where and its quite scary.
I think there is also a tax efficient mechanism whereby grandparents can help out with Uni costs.
Don't forget your dad's 3 pensions income will be taxable so there may be a way to offset some of that tax by helping the family out.

Another consideration is, if you are receiving benefits, gifting you money may reduce the benefits your family are able to claim.
Given you are already providing some help to your parents, perhaps consider applying for Attendance Allowance.

To start the conversation, say your teeth are hurting , its really getting you down and you're unable to find an NHS dentist.
Then ask your mum if she recommends her dentist, are they NHS or private. Delicate matters and difficult conversations to have but older people may not know how best to help.

Mum , I desperately need work on my front teeth. they’re really painful but I haven’t got the money is there anyway you and Dad can help ?
There’s no way I’d see my kids in pain if I could help.

Someone might have already replied about this, so sorry if so.

Your understanding of inheritance tax is mistaken. Unless OP's parents are rich rich, it's incredibly unlikely there'll be any inheritance tax. Assuming her parents leave everything to each other on first death, then to OP on second, she'll have up to £1 million free of IHT.

It sounds like your parents are v comfortably off. I would simply explain to them how skint you are & ask them if they could gift you some money. The tax implications are minimal. The worst thing that could happen is that they say no. They may not be aware of how tight your finances are, and it wouldn’t hurt for them to know.

I think thats unkind! Given OP's parents have already made reasonable adaptions to their bungalow its perfectly reasonable to expect to be able to care for an elderly person at home with bought in help.

OP'S resolved that's what she'd like to do and to be fair its the best for the elderly person to stay in the home for as long as they can.
If more funds for home are required that what they've saved for, equity release is an option.

Removing the elderly from their home environment is entirely disorientating and diminishing mentally.

Wow, money grabbing much? I thought you were going to say she didn’t pay you back for lunch. But she did and she always pays. And you want her savings too? I am aghast to be honest.

@AnImmenseDislikeOfPeople not correct. I have a relatively modest estate (house + a bit of private pension) and my IFA has calculated my heirs will have a likely inheritance bill of £80+k. I am putting in place a Whole life policy with my children as beneficiaries to cover this.

She just paid for a lunch that cost £100. It doesn't sound like she is tight with her money. Tell her you're struggling.

OP'S got a disabled DH and 2DD's, works FT and pays for everything by herself. She hasn't said what she earns but given she works FT, she's unlikely atm to be able to increase her earning power due to the family commitments.

Successive governments have driven this country into the ground and per capita GDP is falling. We are getting poorer.

Do you know if we were a State in the US, we would be the poorest state of them all.

You're getting incredibly incorrect advice then. I'm a Probate Lawyer. I've completed far more IHT forms than I can count.

Each person has a tax-free allowance of £325,000 (the Nil Rate Band). If you own your own home and leave this to direct descendents, you get a further £175,000. This is called the Residence Nil Rate Band.

If a married person dies and leaves their entire estate to their spouse, the estate passes tax free (for the purposes of the simple allowances above).

Upon the death of the second spouse, the estate can claim both their £325,000 and £175,000 (if property passing to direct descendents) and the allowances from the first death. That's a grand old total of £1 million.

This is the simple stuff for simple estates, i.e. not a whole load of investments, pensions, land, etc. Just the bog standard person.

I'd suggest you get a second opinion from a qualified solicitor or chartered legal executive. Would be silly to waste a whole load of money on trusts you don't need.

I'm aghast that you couldn't be bothered to read all the OP's posts and you come out with this unkind bollocks. I hate posters that kick the OP when they are down.

OP's parents are very wealthy but have never helped her, not even when she had cancer and she ended up losing her home. They didn't help care for their grandchildren during OP's cancer treatment (surgery, chemo and radiotherapy) nor did they help her get back on her feet financially but they expect her to be the one providing care for them. I personally would tell them to fuck off but OP is much nicer than me and helps them a lot.

Have you ever point blank asked them to pay for a bill as a one off? I’d choose the most expensive one and negotiate from there. Obviously be willing to take no for an answer.