AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

[Giraffeowlllama]

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

Sorry you feel like that

I don't think yabu.
I don't understand how a parent who is comfortably off can't see when their adult child and their family are struggling financially.
I absolutely would not be spending my money on 'frivolities' when my child needed it more at the time.

My parents and my partners parents have a house and savings etc. they earned it so they can spend it!

I also know the chances are that it might be taken for care homes fees!

I’ve earned my own money as has my partner! Our 9&10 yo have smash open money pots that we put pound coins in for their future house fund for a deposit.

stop relying on someone else’s money

If you lost your house through having cancer, I am very sympathetic. Many people don't realise that this can happen- but probably 50% of people don't have or can't afford life or critical illness cover, I used to go to a cancer centre and one of the key things they did was help with budgeting and bills.

I would not see my dd lose her home, or have bad teeth. No-one has a 'right' to an inheritance, but many parents are very generous with money and yours are not, and it's ok to wonder why they don't want to help more, given their many advantages.

I am so glad we are not psychic - I am glad we can't see ugly thoughts of people. You have not sorted out your life at 50 and your mum should do it for you? Btw, I have not sorted my life at 50, but I would not have dreamt looking to my parents to rectify my fuck-ups, in fact, I used to lie to them how wonderful things were, financially, as not to worry them, not to put pressure on them.

Remind me of the story of the Prodigal son.

I’ve got an uncle and he has more money than he needs to live with a lot leftover! He’s single and literally only has me and my sister as his nieces nieces.
He’s very generous and sends our kids £100 each for Christmas and birthdays and us too. If we have a meal out he treats us and it’s lovely.

We are his executors and POA and anything he has - less his potential care costs will eventually come to us however he doesn’t help with big stuff like holidays, house renovations etc and that’s his money it’s up to him. It is a bit infuriating and if it was me I’ve absolutely share my wealth when people need it.

my best friends Nanna has just paid to double glaze their house as they were going to get a loan and things like that are not just kind but really practical and make a massive difference to people.

Oh this feels sad, and some of the responses were harsh.
Yes they might be in fear of needing £000000s in care home fees, but you have moved to help them, they in turn should help you, and definitely help their grandchildren.
What is the point in having a family and money but not helping your own offspring occasionally if you have spare money?
It's sounds like you have been through a lot, and a little help would go a long way.

Ask DM if she could pay for the dental work that you need. That's not unreasonable.

I'd give cash help any day over regular childcare.
THAT is the step too far.
I'm so sorry OP that your health issues didn't cause them think that they should help you.

Like I said unfathomable.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all OP. I couldn’t bear to watch my children struggle if I had the means to help them. Have a heart to heart with your parents and tell them how much you’re struggling.

Think I must be the odd one out, 50k is a lot of money when you're poor.

Absolutely this

although she should pay for lunch

You may need to be frank with your parents - you are struggling and from the sound of it can't afford to rent in the south east. If you are only there for them they may need to help you out, otherwise you should perhaps look at other areas where life would be more manageable.

Why don’t you just tell her this? Ask her for help.

I'd definitely help you if you were my daughter. I have much less money than your mum but I help my adult kids financially if they need it.

famous last words, my gran wasn’t planning to go into a care home but when my uncle died at 75 we had no option, (my gran by that point was 95 and my mum and aunt were also in their 70s and not able to and the grandkids all worked full time with teenage children. She needed 24 hr care.

my grans care home fees were £1700 a week, after 3 years she had £22,000 left over from her savings .

so that 50K will not go far!

And then have social services treat it as deprivation of assets and consider you as still having the money you gave away ?

The mean spiritedness of the average MNetter never ceases to amaze me. I cannot imagine letting my daughter suffer with rotten teeth while I had plenty of money. And OP has made it clear that the 50k is just the money that is in the current account. There’s more. It’s not going to be a massive IH tax problem to gift a daughter £4000, so people should stop pretending it is. Mum could just pay the dentist directly. I think you should ask your mum if she could help you, OP.

This is how it works in our family: we love each other. One of my adult children recently loaned another a large sum for a home improvement, saying pay me back if you ever sell the house. I paid for something substantial for one child and tried to give another a similar amount, which he refused because he would rather I enjoyed the money. We love each other. I want them to inherit something from me. They want me to have a long retirement. None of us is rich. None of us is poor. We help each other. We love each other. We don’t pool our money, but we are a family. What’s the point of being a family if you care so little about each other?

Is it possible that your mother really does not realise what things cost? There are two of them so probably smaller food shop etc. The only way they will understand is if you tell them. Not just comment on cost of living but say outright. So when she bought a Mulberry bag because it was cute tell her how much your rent is in relation to it. Tell her you need dental work and literally cannot afford to get it done. Tell her what your daughter’s costs will be at uni, fees, halls etc.
Ask her for a loan so you can get the dental work done, hopefully she will offer to give you it outright but a bank of mum and dad loan would let you get it done.
Say that any help to your daughter would mean a lot, whether that is a supermarket voucher or a couple of hundred pounds each year.
If you are living on a single income in an area where the average rent is high have you checked whether you are entitled to any benefits? Is your DH getting disability benefits? Can your daughter access any bursary funding?
You aren’t superwoman and you don’t need to do everything for everyone. Resentment is more likely to build when you are exhausted and firefighting in lots of different aspects of your life. Give your parents a chance to step up but they can’t do that without knowing you are in real need. If they choose not to help you at all then there is no need for you to plan in advance to be their carer.

If they are significantly prepared for old age financially (which you suggest they are. Although having £50K in a current account would suggest an element of mismanagement) I’d agree. My in-laws could help their DD’s family out but don’t because they see their fiscal precariousness as a sign they’re feckless as opposed to as a sign that times are hard.

OP has said that the £50k is in her mum's current account. They have hundreds of thousands more in their savings. They wouldn't even let her apply for a student grant when she went to University but said she needed to get a job .

Care costs are through the roof. Thousands a week. She / he doesn't want to end up in a state funded retirement home when they can have paid carers at home, if needed. They won't want to be shorter of cash in daily life. Imagine a panic when you've given lots of money away but then need some.

Does this sound like OP is entitled and uncaring:

'My df was ill last year and I moved in for 2 months to help while wfh'

Your post is very unkind and unfair towards OP.

I understand OP.
Imo, it would be more helpful if she helped you out abit now, when you are living month to month.

It doesn't last long when paying for care. 8-10k a month not unrealistic.