AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

[Giraffeowlllama]

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

Oh do piss off @PistachioTiramisu!

How sad that you resent the fact your mother has some money (hopefully you will too when you get to her stage in life). It’s hers to do what she wants with, which may or may not involve you. Her choice.
Don’t let the knowledge of her bank balance come between you. It’s her business. There are always problems in life - someone else’s money is rarely the solution.

I just want to know what you had for lunch that cost £100 for two? I often take one of my daughters for a pub lunch average around £30 for us both with a drink.
( West Yorkshire).

PIL were like this. Worth over £1million whilst handing out £30 for significant GC birthdays and we stumped up for childcare, mortgages, uni, driving lessons etc. Their life savings now going on care home fees in a home that also takes state funded residents. We will be drip feeding our money away much much sooner. As a nurse who’s been in and out of care homes all my life, the best case is not always that privately provided. If I get to 80 plus with little left I’ll take my chances. Would rather ensue my children get it years earlier and get it when they need it most.
Agree, die with zero.

Maybe the next time they want you to help out with shopping/Drs, or go for lunch, say you are too busy with your 2nd/3rd job trying to earn enough to pay the bills and how hard things really are for you.

I absolutely feel this OP and get it. Its hard to see when you are struggling day to day. Yeah, of course it is her money and of course you want her to be financially secure, but it is completely fine for you to have these feelings as well.

You think that’s bad - we found out my elderly uncle had over €140,000 just sitting in his current account.

This was from years of not spending his very generous civil service pension. Never doing anything, never really going anywhere.

We only realised when he had to go into assisted living facility and they did a financial assessment. Thankfully it’s now being soent on his care, as he has vascular dementia. But I wish he had spent some of it on enjoying himself while he was able.

I cannot conceive of any possible circumstance where I would knowingly leave my loving adult daughter with a mouth full of rotting teeth while I had the ability to comfortably pay for it.

Fuck that, even if I had to be uncomfortable to pay for it.

I am absolutely baffled by people who behave in this way, who would sit back and watch their children struggle while enjoying their own comfort. It is beyond comprehension to me.

OP,
Yanbu.
You came to the wrong place for sympathy.
We have 3 kids, plenty of money, lovely valuable home.
We are giving our children max tax free every year into their savings accounts, as are our friends in their 60's.
The idea that I would be sitting on a lot with a 50 year old renting is unfathomable to me.
My maternal grandmother left little, she constantly dropped money into the hands of everyone she loved, and she said she "selfishly enjoyed their pleasure while she was alive".

Wishing you well.

You can’t say that about care homes.

my next door neighbour is a dementia specialist. She tells stories about colleagues who have taken in a parent, thinking their expertise means they are well placed to care for them.

advanced dementia is impossible on your own. It’s 24 hour supervision. Hiding the keys so they can’t go out at 2 am, confiscating phones because they keep ringing the police saying they’ve been kidnapped, then screaming all night because they can’t get out.

she also tells a story of a woman who sold her mums house, and used the proceeds to do a big kitchen extension with downstairs bathroom, and moved her mum in. Fast forward a few years and she also was killing herself with 24 hr care needs, and after an episode where she managed to get out a 4am and go missing, involving police helicopters and drones searching the river, she went into care. Social services then decided the money spent on her house was “deprivation of assets” and came after her for the money.

I voted YABU but I think you need to (carefully) ask for help directly in this situation.
I am more akin to the DM in your situation. Yes, I am hoarding cash as I don't know long we will live and what expenses might come. I am generous with DC but wary.
But if my DC told me they were really struggling and I could help, I would.

How did she get cash out if she'd forgotten her pin?

Have you ever asked directly for X to do something or is it all just hinting? Because if you've never actually asked them thats probably a place to start?

But they may need home care and that will be means tested

Given you've got a potentially serious health situation going on, what about asking her to fund the dental work?

Infected teeth are linked to cardiomyopathy.

I'd fund that in a NY minute for one of my kids.

Best advice you could give her is to transfer £40K into a savings account. It's far too easy for scammers to empty current accounts especially if you lose the card and don't notice for a few days.

(That was the advice given to me by the bank anyway and it makes sense).

As for your OP, if you need extra cash, earn more and spend less. Leave Mum to squirrell away her money for a nice care home.

Really sticking the the point of the thread there 😁

You'll get grief from the boomers here, but I hear you op. With how long people live nowadays, most people will get inheritance in their 60s, which is like 30 years later than they need this money 😂

How you tried to explain to her you're struggling and ask for financial help?

I would indeed ask for the money for your teeth, and I would offer the money without hesitation if I were your mum.

We've always 'shared' money in our family, what we have, we give and then get back at other times, I give my children money to the limit I can whilst living an ok life myself, and things like health, teeth, dentistry, private GPs are my top spend. I wouldn't allow my child to have bad teeth when I was very wealthy with three private pensions, had paid off my house and had 50k in my current account!

Shocking that you are feeling like this just tell her you need help

OMG I cant believe your grandparents were such shit to leave their daughter and grandchildren to live in a homeless shelter!! I would have cut them off forever.

How come you are both renting if you both had good jobs in the past?

While I would not ask for money for you, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask if they have considered supporting their grandchild in her education.

DD leaves for university in a year. Her grandparents on both sides of the family are contributing. We didn’t ask, they offered.

@Passaggressfedup we had financial problems years ago when I had cancer for the first time. Dh had to leave his job to look after our children while I went through surgery,chemo and radiotherapy. We ended up loosing our house.
We have rebuilt and have rented ever since.
(My dps didn't help during this period as they were working)

But lots of people rent it's not something we can change.

I cringe when I hear people talk about a future inheritance!

your parents could live for many many years more and that 50K will come in handy.

ive told my mum to spend all her money enjoying life. Put the heating up, buy the shoes you want, go out for dinner with friends, have holidays every month. I want her to enjoy the money she has struggled to save as she’s had a tough life.

This. Your mother brought you up - she's done plenty. The money in her account is hers, and you should never, ever expect an inheritance.