AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

[Giraffeowlllama]

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

Just ask her. For all you know she’d love to help with your dental costs but doesn’t want to offend you by offering.

Kindly OP, but unless you are prepared to ask for the money it may be time to step back and reassess what you are prepared to give now. Your parents have money, they can pay for the care/support they need now. Give what you are able to give, but not at the expense of your health or your family

I had this with both sets of my grandparents. They had plenty of pensions and investments to have a very comfortable retirement (thank goodness!) There was a point I had to reduce what I did because I had to take care of myself. They all wanted family to take care of them but weren't prepared to support their family to do so. I couldn't live on air so I had to do what was needed to take care of me. You aren't a bad daughter if you do less. You are doing far more than most.

I’m sorry for your situation, you’ve had such a tough time. I know how awful and cruel Parkinson’s is and for your husband to get it at a young age is really hard. Also you having undergone cancer, what a difficult time you’ve experienced. Illness can severely impact lives and finances, as it has to your family. Im
not surprised you’re quietly resentful, when your parents seem
oblivious to your circumstances. I wonder if it’s possible to start discussing IHT / estate planning with them? Not an easy conversation, I know. But they could be giving you £3k tax free per year (to all 4 of you pp) They could also use the gift allowance from their surplus income to give you and/ or daughter regular gifts. Your parents could simply pay your dental work outside of any IHT. It seems tone deaf of your parents not to offer or be aware of your challenges

So if you are sure they have the money to help, maybe try to be more direct about the issues you are having? That you could do with help now?
if after that , that help still isnt forthcoming, I’d reassess the support you are giving as it’s affecting your own health and wellbeing .

The 3k gift allowance is total amount, NOT per person.

you can gift it to one person, or split it.

having said that it only matters for inheritance tax purposes. So if their estate is under the IHT allowance there’s no tax to pay. It they survive 7 years there’s no tax to pay. And it’s the estate that would pay, not the recipient.

I'd tell them how difficult your finances are and just ask them if they would be happy to gift you some money, I wouldn't say it was for dental work, they may not see that as important. In the future I wouldn't offer to be their carer,they can afford to arrange their own care.

My mum has already begun to gift me and my brother funds (plus the grandkids) to reduce her IHT liability. She has plenty in savings for care costs ( though as a former GP says she would rather die than need care) plus a pension and no mortgage. She moved to the town I live in 2 years ago so I can be there for her. I did protest initially about being given funds , then it became apparent her pension income was the same as my monthly salary and I earn well. Talk to them

Forget the money, it’s not yours.

You need to focus on what you can control, which is living somewhere you can afford. I know you want to be a good daughter and support your parents, but you need to support yourself and your husband first and foremost.

If you stay where you are in this situation, you will end up very resentful. Your parents needs will only increase over time, putting more strain on you.

It’s not their fault, but you need to put inplace boundaries and focus more on your life. They have the means to pay for the care they need. You can still be their daughter without being their carer.

You have a choice here, even if you don’t think you do.

Being brutally honest, it wasn’t the cancer that was alone responsible for o/p’s financial difficulty. It was her failure to plan around her job insecurity.

if you are the main earner for your family, on a 150k contracting job, you should have income protection and critical illness insurance in place. While earning well, contracting is high risk and can end on no income for any reason, as o/p found out. Anything that means you can’t work, cancer, mhi, a car accident and a broken leg, a sudden heart attack, and that’s it, no income.

If you have children in private school, a large mortgage, and everything else that goes along with a 150k income, you need to have a plan if your job doesn’t provide sick leave, medical retirement, pension, mortgage cover etc.

the best money we spent when dh started contract was a financial advisor to put all this in place. We have enough cover that should he die tomorrow the payout would support me and the kids until they are 25. If he got cancer his critical illness would kick in as with any normal job and sick leave.

it is somewhat ironic that after failing to arrange her own financial affairs posters are suggesting she goes to her parents and tells them how to arrange theirs. To her benefit.

I want believe parents don’t want to help their children out, it’s amazing to me and mine haven’t been unwell.

But we’re all different.

Some parents just amaze me.

Nobody is “ entitled” to anything, but two serious illnesses and a lost house, why would a parent not help you?!

I don’t get it at all.

Honestly OP just ask for it. As you know Mum I’ve had cancer & DD is v unwell. I don’t want to come across as money grabbing but I need you to help me.

I think everyone could have this mindset. I barely make it to payday but I don’t dwell on what I may/ may not inherit - quite frankly I’d rather have my parents around.
If you’re really struggling and an only child why not just ask them for help? If I was in your situation I’d probably ask my mum if she could help me. Because I have a sister I’d never ask as they would feel unfair giving one without the other.

Are there seriously people this financially unaware that have £50k sitting in a regular account? That seems so silly to me.

And why on earth did she ask you to check her balance surely she was the one accessing her own account? How could she even access the balance if she had forgot her pin? All seems very odd

It certainly won’t ALL be taken in inheritance tax, not under current rules anyway.

But whatever else, I do think she should have reimbursed you for the meal, and personally, as a parent of long grown up dcs, I do find it hard to understand any parent who could do so, who won’t help an adult dc who is obviously struggling.

So many things are a lot more relatively expensive than they were a few decades ago - housing costs, fuel, and now food prices, too.

I really feel for you here OP, I understand its your parents money but it's sad that the money that you will inherit later in life would benefit you more now.

My parents spoil us now, they paid for a new bathroom for us, they've paid for holidays for us, because they understand we're a young couple who are trying.

I would do the same for my kids, if I could help them when they're young and starting out, or in a point like you are, where cancer has caused financial difficulty I would absolutely help.

Would you feel comfortable speaking to them? Maybe you could disclose the situation you are in and say maybe charge them a weekly 'fee' for helping them just so it feels like you aren't asking them for money for 'nothing' so to speak?

My parents have over £800k in assests and savings and due to come into two inheritances in the next decade. A bit of money would really help me right now, but it is what it is. Yabu op.

My mother needed night time carers. Help bedtime, night time loo, panic, get up dressed etc
The cost was c. £1000 per week
Money goes fast when you’re old.
But HMRC allows a tax exempt gift of £3000 pa. I’d suggest that as a starter.

Yes she is, she moved in with them for two months (while working from home) while her father was ill and still helps them out with shopping, appointments, etc.

It would be helpful if you read all of OP's posts.

Pp suggested two ops I think
I was just explaining what was meant by the previous post

It’s not literally just about hip ops either. No one knows what could happen in the future and OP hasn't stated exactly how much her parents have.

When you can’t work and know you have a defined amount to live on until you die without any idea what life will bring as you age it must be very stressful.
They won’t want to have to rely financially on OP in the future so 🤷‍♀️

My god people here are cruel and spiteful these days.

If she less than £16 left in savings, she'll get cared for for free in any case....

I mean, I understand why you feel the way you do. But nobody is entitled to anybody else's money and I think I'd be afraid of giving mine away then needing care that I couldn't pay for.

You just don't know that. Everybody can't stay in their home when they need care. Some need around the clock care and supervision. And even care at home costs.

But they will check for deprivation of assets. You can’t just gove money away within a certain time frame in the years leading up to needing care

Edited as posted too soon

There’s no time frame for deprivation of assets. They can come after it at any point.

the key criteria is giving away money to avoid paying for care.

so me, as a healthy 50 years left old can give away any amount. Even my mum, as a healthy 80 year old can give away what she chooses. As neither of us need care or can expect needing care.

if you have a diagnosis say of early Alzheimer’s, you can’t then start giving away money as it’s a reasonable expectation that you will need care in the future. So even if the progress is slow and you go into care 20 years later, if you have deprived yourself of your assets to avoid paying for that care then you are on the hook.

this is where a case I mentioned earlier fell down. Lady had her mum, recently diagnosed, live with her, sold her mum’s house and used the money to refurbish her own house. Initially the mum was fine and more or less independent, but ff a few years, lady couldn’t cope, mum went into a care home and social services came after the money from the house sale to pay for it.