AIBU to feel frustrated about future inheritance when money is tight now?

[Giraffeowlllama]

Vent rather than aibu.
Just been out for lunch with my dm. It was lovely she always insists on paying.
Her card was declined as she forgot her pin so I paid around £100. Restaurant didn't take cash.
Unfortunately/ fortunately this was about all I had in my bank account ( get paid on Friday)We then went and she took cash out for me.
All good. She knows things are tight for me. She asked me to check her balance. I was shocked just over £50k!
She had spent lunch telling me she's updated her will as an only child I'll inherit most- I dont really like talking about death.
The thing is I'm 50, in rented accommodation with disabled dh, 2 dds and work full time. I can just pay for everything but it's tight.
It just seems mad that help now would really change my life rather than in 10 odd years.
Its not a moan about inheritance just a moan. We moved here to their town so I can support them as they get older but it does sometimes feel like a 'kick in the teeth' ( if that's the right expression) when we are struggling and only in this location to help.

Sorry vent over

Please sit down with your mum and ask about help with your teeth. You might be surprised. Sometimes people are so wrapped up in their own issues that they don’t think. There’s no harm in asking. You sound like a lovely daughter. Be kind to yourself x

do your parents know how much you’re struggling?

perhaps they think you got a critical illlness payout from life insurance or your job?

did you lose your job due to the cancer? Many jobs you get full pay sick leave in those circumstances so maybe they think you left voluntarily?

It’s hard to ask but either you need to lay it on the line with them or accept it.

Unfortunately i was contracting so no pay.
Dh's job let him take some paid leave but he ended up leaving as it was so bad.
Unfortunately now as I've had cancer twice I can't get either income insurance or life insurance.

Well yes she’s had cancer and her husband can’t physically work . She’s still managing to hold down a good job in spite of all that but we all know about COL and the price of rents, so yes she’s struggling.She’s an only child , her parents are very comfortable by the sounds of it. I know what I’d be doing if she was my daughter.

Maybe you need to spell it out to your parents how much you are struggling. Actually ask them for help? Maybe to pay for your dental work?

still though, it’s usual for contractors to have loss of earnings insurance which should kick in the first time you got sick.

so again, maybe your parents have assumed you would have the usual cover for loss of earnings, so you might need to spell it out for them.

She may need it for care costs.

What did you want to get out of this thread OP

You know you are being unreasonable
so
🤷‍♀️

support ?
encouragement to look on the bright side ?
Knowing you are not alone ? ….( im sure Youre not )

You've clearly had it rough over the last few years so I get your frustration, but, for context, 50k would only cover a little over 30 weeks of my parent's care home fees. It's a great care home and I would much rather my parent used their life savings on that rather than helping me out in my 50s.

I've been reading this thread and can't believe how nasty some people have been.
It sounds like you have had a difficult life so far op and your parents have not been so supportive.
Yes they may need care in the future as others have said, but you also need to live now. You are going to get more burnt out and then you will be no use to look after anyone then.
It is worth asking them to pay for your dental treatment for a start.

Wow, give OP a break. She’s had bloody cancer twice, amongst other things. She’s just venting.

Agree. Some hard nosed people posting on this thread.

If your mum is really that wealthy, I think you need a frank discussion about inheritance tax planning. There are lawful ways of reducing the inheritance tax burden and if she has more than enough to pay for all her future needs, then it makes sense for her to start giving you some.

For example she has a £3k gift allowance a year, plus £250 for individual small gifts (to separate people). She can also pay for whatever out of any income (pension, investments). My father does this - he pays for kids' activities out of his income. Luckily we could afford the activities without this so we contribute the same amount to their ISAs, so it's win win.

I suggest presenting it as an opportunity to effectively tax plan and also enjoy the use of money whilst she is alive. Perhaps suggest she has a chat with an inheritance tax advisor who can analyse her estate and tell her lawful ways of reducing the tax liability.

OP, it's ok to ignore people who haven't read the thread in their enthusiasm to jump in and kick you 🙄

Do you parents actually know how much your rent is? I look in estate agent windows and can't work out how families manage to pay that much, it's shocking!

Maybe start a conversation about how you're thinking of moving away because you can't afford your rent? (or actually do move away!)
There's no point in being stoic and quietly wishing they'll notice you're drowning

You are not being unreasonable.

Please ask them for help.

@AnImmenseDislikeOfPeople not wishing to hijack thread, but anything over £500k is subject to inheritance tax, (not leaving anything to a DH). Exemptions for pensions now gone, thank you Labour. So my residence is worth somewhat more than £500k & I will (by calculations) have private capital left. Tax there will be. But let’s leave this and agree to disagree.
By giving the OP £ now, could well reduce the amount of IHT, depending on circumstances.

You have had a rotten time and I can’t believe your parents haven’t offered financial support before now. How can your DM be so oblivious? I think I would have a frank talk to her, as hard as that may be, to spell out the reality of your day to day life, especially as you’ve made such sacrifices for their benefit. She may not like it but 50k in her current account is ridiculous, especially if they are cash wealthy otherwise. Good luck, I really feel for you.

You have no idea of they'll need a care home or not. You don't sound very realistic about how much you might need in advancing years. A couple of new hips and that money will be mostly gone.

Why would new hips mean the money goes? What on?

surely new hips will keep them out of care homes longer as they’ll keep their mobility?

With money to pay why queue for ages in pain
The pp means paying for the ops

I assume @MrsCarmelaSoprano ?

I do know what you mean, OP. What I am about to say may make me sound like an avaricious bitch, but I will take that risk....

My mom is a millionaire. I am a single mom in my late 40s, I work full time, make ends meet (and do have a decent pension to look forward to at least). But money is always tight. No savings. Only finally bought my little flat recently, so decades of mortgage left....

I moved here to help her care for my late dad. She knows I will also care for her when she needs it, whatever it takes. No question of that. She is family and I love her.

I paid towards dad's funeral costs. I always pay my way. She is not ungenerous at all, does buy things for me and my daughter, gave me a few grand to help with my moving costs etc. She is a great mom and I am not complaining (well I am a bit, but....)

Sometimes, I won't lie, I think how very much easier life would be if I could just have a little slice of what will come to me NOW, when I really need it.

But, things are as they are. I understand that she feels vulnerable and the money makes her feel safer.

Certainly not the anomaly from my point of view - if I was sitting on this amount of money and in a very fortunate position such as OPs parent’s, I would be helping her get her much needed dental work instead of investing in a ‘cute Mulberry bag’.

I find it sad that some posters are implying that the OP doesn’t ‘work hard enough’ just because she doesn’t have thousands sitting in the bank. Many older generations have benefitted from final salary pensions and huge increases in property prices which isn’t through extra hard work. It is understandable that they need to manage their finances in a way that could ensure they are able to access care in the future if needed, but I don’t think OP is being unreasonable to ask for £5k for health reasons when her DM can easily drop thousands on a designer handbag.

My parent was never going into a care home either. EVER. All of us were happy to do it. And then one parent died and the surviving parent got dementia. REALLY bad dementia. And when you are juggling your own work that you need to pay for your own lives, your children and just general life, it's not quite as simple as saying, "They're never going into a home. We can do it". That care home is filled with deeply loved parents whose children visit all the time but recognized they didn't have the tools needed to keep their parents safe.

private hip replacement in the uk is roughly 10-15 k

so barely going to touch the 50k in one current account let alone any other savings and investments the o/p says they have.