AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

I plucked it out of thin air as an illustrative amount instead of using the words “a lot”.

I considered for a moment which number to put in there, 70, 80, 50, what sounds reasonable?

Then I thought oh yeah, it’s an illustrative example it doesn’t really matter that much.

Please let me know what percentage you think it is.

Oh dear god someone actually did the maths. If you add on “doing the maths of working out exactly what vastly disproportionate extra amount of work I’m doing” I think you’ll land at 90%.

Or if you include “staying together to reduce the amount of work I’d have to do if I left despite him being able to benefit massively at my expense from me staying” that will probably get you there.

It still doesnt add up though. He isn't away every week. So he does minimum 25% every week (50% of half the week when he's home).

The OP works 2 nights every week so he'll be covering those the weeks he isn't working away.

The child spend 3 days either in nursery or worh grandparents so that leaves OP doing 100% of childcare 2 days which she wanted and the drop-offs etc the other days.

2 dog walks a day, the days he is working away they have a dog walker once a day so that covers his share there.

Mental load of paying the bills (not sure if the OP knows how a direct debit works) can be offset by the mental.load of having to be the higher earner. Things like presents etc can easily be sorted by just not doing it...

It'll never be 50/50 realistically in any relationship but it's definitely not an 80/20 split either.

You say you can’t afford a dog walker every day. Yet the vet bills for 5 pets must be eye watering. Annual vaccinations, wormer, flea and tick treatment and insurance x5 must be a few grand. That’s before they get an ear infection etc. or a more serious ailment. I’m well off and yet I find two dogs cost enough. And honestly old cats cost a bomb as they almost always get thyroid problems. If you rehomed all the pets you would have more time plus plenty of money for a cleaner and a regular babysitter. You would have more money, less to do and life would be far more manageable. But weirdly you are more committed to keeping the pets than your DH and father of your DC.

"she could get the DH to do...." FFS this attitude. He's not a CHILD, he's her PARTNER (look up the definition).

Op (if you're still here) I do wonder at the absolute right wing, sexist bin fire this site has become...I can't work out if it's men here replying to you, or tradwives, or what

if you'd posted the exact same 15 years ago, you'd have had a ton of support and useful stuff

I struggled like you, with three kids and two dogs and a husband who would stay out of the house for as long as he possibly could under the guise of 'work' (4hr round commute, neatly timed to leave the house before the kids had to be dressed and fed and to arrive home when bedtime was over)

I kicked him out after many, many years (final straw was an affair which he was as useless at hiding as he was as a functioning parent) and wished that I'd had the guts to do it years earlier

I think you should give him an ultimatum and- this bit is important- STICK TO IT

I wish I had. It is so much more empowering to shoulder a big load alone rather than carry the same load when there's someone else there who could- and should- help, but won't

good luck lovey

Funny how the “ she’s not a child” doesn’t get trotted out when one person is paying more of bills.
She’s the one annoyed at him so yes, she could ask him to do certain things.
In what other scenario other than your parents or marriage do your bills get covered? Yet when it’s within marriage it always gets played down on MN.

ps. the people who're telling you to get rid of your much loved pets are absolute menaces

“Things like presents etc can be sorted by just not doing it”
🙄 aka … refusing to take on the mental load.

How do you think that works out for the three year old going to parties and the only one who has neither parent take on the mental load of “buying presents etc” by “just not doing it”?

Just not doing it means not caring about the outcome of that decision.

If no one takes on the mental load for a whole range of family tasks, it is your child who suffers. So saying don’t take it on by not doing it is akin to saying let your child suffer the consequences of your laziness and indifference.

I’m a woman & the higher earner. Neither right wing nor a trad wife.

Your DH was a poor parent & had an affair.

The OP’s husband went for a promotion which means he has to travel more. Otherwise he is a hands on dad & his job pays more bills.

The two situations are not comparable.

Yes but three large dogs is a lot, even without the DC or working away. OP did work before, and fitting dogs in with work is effort. Dog walkers charge per dog so it is was just one dog she could get it walked 5 days a week and have cash left over. I doubt the dogs are getting enough exercise or attention as things stand.

I was in a situation like this. My husband worked away I had all the childcare commitments plus a job. If I'm honest a chunk of the resentment was jealousy. He was in a lovely hotel abroad with no commitments while I was sleep deprived and stressed. But he was working, earning good money, and doing nothing wrong at all. I pestered him to change jobs constantly. I'm so glad we both got through this patch. The work situation changed and he was away less. My baby grew up and got easier. I think splitting up over a work situation is short sighted. If there's nothing else good about the relationship then leaving makes sense, but isn't it healthy to accept that relationships are not always equal? Sometimes I take the most responsibility for childcare, now I'm away a lot dealing with elderly parents and he's forced to step up. That's just the way it goes.

Funny how seem people seem to think the person with the highest income can do no wrong and that the lower earner should be eternally grateful and put up with anything. It's almost as if some people have an agenda.

She wants him to get a new job. Not stop working.

Why would they rehome the dogs?. They committed to the dogs and kids before the husband decided to take a role that enabled him to reduce his involvement in family life with no consideration for his family. She had to reduce her hours because of his decision. They dogs are a red herring. If they had three kids nobody would suggest she rehomes two.

Why does the “ mental load” get blown out of all proportion. Buy a present and get on with it and be thankful you can afford to take your child to a nice party as many have done for years.
Or you could take a nice occasion like your child going to a party and turn it into some huge task. If you do choose.

There has never been an easier time in history to run a house - online shopping, Amazon, robot hoovers etc. Bills - set up a DD.

There is about zero 'mental load' in anyone going on Amazon and buying a present. I wish people would stop pretending that it's like climbing the North Face of the Eiger, it's a 2 minute job. I've done it myself recently. Much easier than having to go to Toys R Us and run around there in my lunch break,which is what happened before internet shopping.

You have my sympathies OP. I dont know why you're getting such horrible responses.

My ex DH did something similar. We both worked full time jobs that fitted around each other with no need for childcare and without any discussion he took a job as a long distance lorry driver, which then meant that my job was no longer workable so I had to change to a lesser paid one, plus the kids then needed to go into childcare, reducing our house hold income further, plus he was never bloody home so all drop offs, pick ups, homeworks, dinners, bedtimes, bathtimes, sick days, doctors appointments, ect etc etc fell to me plus resulted in more unpaid time off my work when previously one off us would always have been off to do these things. We went from both having satisfying jobs, quality time with the kids and equal downtime and spending money, to him having all of the above and me none. Our marriage didnt survive.

Agree. I can do it in the time it takes my computer to start up in the morning!

And I tend to just have a little go to list of suitable gifts and pick one of those

If she is burnt out and he is not then he is not contributing sufficiently to family life.

Also... when things are this close to the edge you might have to let go of what's fair or right and only think about what's survivable for you and DD. If your husband isn't going to change jobs (and no-one can force him to do that) then you don't have much wiggle room. There's no magic. You either stay and make the current situation work as best you can, or leave and ditto. I don't think either is unreasonable. Though it's very sad.

I'd say that, if he earns a lot of money by being away all week, then throw cash at the problem. Pay as many people as you can, to do as many things as you can. You need to have some benefits of this lifestyle too.

Sounds like he’s a selfish arsehole so no wonder you feel resentful. This would give me the massive ick.

You have very limited options. Threaten divorce unless he changes his work arrangements. Or actually divorce but then he can’t take the dogs with his job so you’ll be in the same situation as now but with less money and a smaller property possibly. Or hire a dog walker twice a day which will cost you both a lot. Or you drop hours/give up work which will cost a lot and cost you in the long term as you won’t have a decent pension. Or rehome the dogs which you don’t want to do.

I was burnt out in a job. It was partly the job and partly me. Someone feeling a certain way doesn’t mean someone else is the direct cause.

A direct debit won’t remember the birthday in the first place, emerge the school concert, remember to leave the house early to pick up their sports kit they accidentally left at their friends house before driving them to their match etc.

The existence of a DD does not remove the mental load, neither does ignoring it and not doing it - your child simply misses out, or the other parent picks up the slack because they care more about the child missing out.

Mental load of paying the bills (not sure if the OP knows how a direct debit works) can be offset by the mental.load of having to be the higher earner. Things like presents etc can easily be sorted by just not doing it...

Mental load is not just paying the bills - yeah, monthly bills can be set up by DD, but renewing car insurance, house insurance, mortgages etc, checking deals for energy providers, shopping meal planning, remembering that you're almost out of tin foil, cumin, flour or other random thing that wouldn't necessarily be on subscription or the shopping list every week. Where things are on subscription setting them up and then keeping an eye to make sure you don't end up with 10 bottles of spray bleach because you are not using it at the rate the subscription is coming in. Managing family finances, savings, ISAs, pensions.

Managing the house, arranging for repairs, windows to be washed, managing the dog walkers (and if they do as people have suggested in this thread - cleaners etc), not just initial arrangements, but remembering to pay on time, managing schedule changes etc

For the child and family remembering medical appointments, figuring out what to do if child is ill and can't go to nursery, managing family social lives, knowing what clothes the child is growing out of and buying new etc, remembering that nursery are out of the child's nappies or he needs a fresh set of spare clothes because he came home in his spares the other day and that he needs new wellies because he's outgrown them.

As the child gets older remembering what is needed for school each day, PE kits etc, topping up lunch money, school trips, assemblies, remembering that they have to take in recycling for junk modelling day, that they have football after school or a party to go to at the weekend, remembering to RSVP to party invites, buying and wrapping cards and presents for the party. Ensuring that they have enriching activities outside of school so planning things at home, outings or extracurricular activities. Managing relationships with other parents for play dates etc, remembering to reply to messages from them, or the school WhatsApp group.

As the child gets older still, the planning and requirements for teenagers gets even worse, with lifts to and from friends houses or town, increased activities, picking up and dropping off from work / college / train station or if her husband can do the physical lifts remembering and reminding people who is where and when.

Even if she refuses to buy presents and cards for his family, there are still the ones for her family and their child, the child's parties etc.

I do all of the mental load stuff in our house (apart from food shopping) as well as working full time (and being the main wage earner). I don't resent it as DH does all of the food shopping and cooking and most of the evening lifts for my teens, so for us it evens out.

But to say that the mental load is just paying a few bills is the most ridiculous thing ever.