AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

Hurt his pocket by hiring help. I couldn’t handle the responsibility, it’s too much for anyone.

What sort of dogs? Are they easy to look after? I have a very gentle and well trained dog who used to hang out with some local students who adored her and she enjoyed extra play time.

Can you combine dog walks with nursery drop offs. I used to do this as it was a few km each way.

Can your DH take a few days off to give you a complete break? It is really easy to reach exhaustion with young DCs and a break may help you refresh and then look for a new approach.

Look for things he can do when he is home to make the other days easier. Batch cooking? Regular deep clean. Etc.

I also don’t understand why the OP get so much criticism and all the distraction of having dogs. The dogs came before the baby and before the husband got the promotion. He changed his work pattern that need more travelling which the OP said he massively played down to her. He ignored his commitments and ignored OP’s feelings and wishes to deal with responsibilities together as a couple.
Anyway, OP, I think that the marriage is dead at the moment. Your responsible husband is gone. Be sad about it and think what you are going to do. You can do it. Reframe it. You now need to keep a roof over your head for yourself, baby and pets. You have a house and there is a housemate. He works away, but that doesn’t matter, he is not responsible for you or your baby or your pets, he is a housemate. You have sole responsibility. He pays his bills and looks after himself. When he is not at work, he is friendly and will look after your baby and your pets.That is strange for a housemate, but that’s lovely of him, maybe he loves your baby and your pets. Maybe he loves you also.
Next thing is to sort out paying bills and time to look after baby and pets. Remember husband is gone, no expectation there. You are on your own now. Do you have enough income and time? Any chance to increase income to hire help? Reduce working hours and reduce expenses? Support from family, friends? Reciprocal childcare with friends to get more time? Lowering the standard on housework? Does it really matter if you eat like cheese sandwiches at all meals, the house is unclean, wear unwashed clothes and laundry not folded? No going to parties or giving gifts for Christmas and birthdays? Maybe go on survival mode for a while. All these things shall pass. In a few years when your child goes to school, there will be more time for you.
Lastly, what to think about the housemate. I would say, don’t give him any headspace, his decisions are his and he will reap what he sows. Mute him when he is away. Talk to him about practicalities only. Breath freely because you think about yourself and your problems only. If he wants things done his way but not your way, that is his problems, his job, not yours. His decisions will adversely affect you but you can’t change him and you do not need to change him. Most importantly, you can live independently, without him dictating your mood.

I don’t know if your husband will come back one day and see your point of view. But before that day comes, treat him as he is not your husband will relieve you of the stress and resentment at the moment. Because it is the least disruptive option for now. Divorce if necessary when you are calmer and still feel it is the right thing to do.

Has he been able to say anything about what happened in that relationship, OP?

Was his job different then and did he spend more time with his partner and child?

Not sure why the DH is being treated like some kind of hero for working!
I have been the parent at home juggling it all, and I have also been the parent travelling for work … and I can tell you now that spending a week away, nice hotel, not having to clean, cook, only getting yourself ready in the morning, sleeping alone is a DODDLE in comparison! Even with meetings, sometimes tedious work dinners and dealing with Clint’s or colleagues.

You have a healthy 3 year old and you work part time, from home. Honestly you have it easier than 90% of the mothers I know. Get a grip.

From my experience of having the DP who put work 1st - the kids care. DP isn’t as close as J am to them and I doubt ever will be due to such long absences in their formative years.

If you don't want to continue like this and he won't change then you have to change.
You don't want to get rid of your dogs.
Can you afford to not work? That would reduce your stress massively.
Or you divorce him.

I am somewhat confused by your posts.

Your load is huge.

Divorcing wont decrease your load.

You cannot assume your partner will have child 50/50. Lots of dad's sadly dont and the women are left arranging their work and lives around the child.

You could end up more tired and more stressed amd whilst I think ppl saying awful things about your dogs are disgusting if you aren't prepared to look at your load you are in for a shock as a single parent.

Yes getting rid of partner will remove the resentment which will be debilitating your mental health. But it wont make your load any less unless you make other changes

Did i say she had to reduce her hours? No, i simply questioned her logic on not being able to financially but its fine financially for him to quit- it makes no sense.
He is doing his job, which i assume financially they need as he pays majority of the bills and probably needs to pay for his other child too yet he is expected to just drop all financial responsibility and stability it just not something you do lightly is it? Or at all.
i expect since he has just been promoted he would probably be resentful of OP in the end anyway, they may aswell just call it a day now.
or she could do as others have suggested, rehome the dogs, yes i know “they’re family” but her husband is family too, this would make her days easier and DH could keep his job that they obviously rely on.

I haven't read all the 15 pages of replies OP, but I've read your bits and I just can't see that ditching your DH will improve your life at all. You seem absolutely furious with him, but if he and his job contributes 2/3 of your household income, if you separate and he has to provide a home for himself out of that money how will be keep supporting you, your DC and your menagerie of animals to the same degree? Bluntly, he won't.

So if you end your marriage you will remove him and his job that irritates you so much, but in return you will quite probably have to move house and massively reduce your outgoings. Will that be a good and acceptable outcome for you? TBH, I think the best thing would be for you to continue with therapy, learn to manage your anger and frustration better, and just accept that his job is keeping you all afloat.

Those three big dogs are clearly non-negotiables for you, but I know how expensive they are. If you lose him, will you be able to afford to keep them? All those plates you're spinning now with his help will be a lot harder without it, or with a vastly reduced portion of it. You'll certainly make HIS life easier if you end your marriage, but from where I'm sitting I think it will make YOUR life harder.

Aside from the fact that telling someone who is in distress and asking for advice to ‘get a grip’ is unkind, rude and out of order, what you say is not my experience. 100% of the mothers I know husbands or partners do not work away 3/4 days a week. So the OP does not have better than the mothers I know (not sure why we need to compare, just because some people may have harder lives doesn’t take away from your hard life). As a former army wife have in husband who works away is extremely hard.The emotional and physical burden is huge, so I can completely understand the Ops position.

Your child is 3. Give it a couple of years and everything will have changed. In the current work climate, I wouldn’t be demanding that my DH changed his job. What I would do is make sure that when he is at home he does much more than me. Id have weekends away by myself to recharge and I’d also stop carrying the mental load of Christmas, etc. Just stop being ‘in charge’ of everything. Just let it slide.

You sound so angry that your DH works away. When in reality it’s what many families do. The years before your child goes to school are tough. Things will get better. But there will be new challenges of juggling school, work and home life. If you’re going to be this resentful about what you consider to be an unfair distribution of chores/tasks you probably should get divorced but the grass definitely won’t be any greener. You’ll have 100% of it all! He won’t have 50/50 of your son. He’ll be working or busy. You’ll be even more resentful.

You have a child, pets, a husband that works away, but pulls his weight when he’s at home and a part time job. If you do divorce you’ll have a child, pets, an Ex who is never a available to have his child and a full time job as you won’t be able to manage on a part time wage. You’ll be way more stressed than you are now. Believe me.

The realities of having a child are hard. It’s a shock for the most ‘baby ready’ mother. I think you’d be a fool to consider divorce for the reason you’re giving. You’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face. You won’t rehome your pets (fair enough) but you’re happy to deprive your child of his home.

OP MN users HATE dogs (I no longer read posts about dogs as they are all the same: kill them, re-home them and never let them leave your garden lest they savage a stranger to death...), and I can see most of the posters here just think you can ditch a dog when life changes.

Dogs are sentient beings with emotions and intellect; anyone who treats them as disposable is not a nice person. So no, I don't think you are wrong at all.

But tbh the dogs are a red herring here.Your DH has changed the terms of your life together, not you. You DH has checked out of looking after his comittments (you, your child, your dogs), not you. He left it all for you to deal with when he decided to take a job that he deliberately played down as having a huge amount of travel.

My DH (and me!) would never take a job that would take us away from our family that much. But yours has done it without discussion and is now pretending that he can't see what the problem is.

It's no wonder you're resentful and angry.

If he can't see the problem despite counselling then yes, I'd leave. I couldn't live with that anger, nor with a man who clearly doesn't love his family - the lure of working away being your proof of that. I'm so sorry.

Op said he claims to have no money left over. But I say the twat is lying!

OP I get the resentment but really don't understand why you are using you husband as the lightning rod for all of these problems. It isn't just him - it's your child, mental load, house, pets etc.

You work 3.5 days a week. He works five. Already there will be an imbalance in childcare and pet care.

If your OH is away 3/4 nights a week (say Monday to Thursday) then why can't he walk the dog the days he is home - Friday to Sunday - half the week? If he is home say on a Friday can this be one of your working days? Have you done everything you can to organise your job schedule to what is best for the family as well?

I don't blame your OH for his job - sorry OP but you are naive if you don't think that the market is tough tough tough right now and given your clear resentment he may not want the instability of a new job (which could take months and months to get) and not be any better in terms of travel. He also may not be able to get one so easy. He would also be in a situation of a new role where he could be let go without warning in the first 2 years etc.

Having children is tough - I have two, work full time (senior stressful job), have a husband who travels like yours (senior stressful job) and don't have any family around to help at all. We are hyperorganised and work TOGETHER to create a plan that means we can make it all work. We don't blame or resent each other - we are where we are and try to figure it out.

Get a cleaner. Get childcare. Get a dog walker etc - are there ways you can 'buy' yourself out of this situation?

Taking the pets out the picture - he is away 50% of the time and wasn’t upfront this would be the case when he took the job. For 50% or her marriage OP's husband is away, and he is missing 50% of his son's life and his son misses out on his dad.

OP has changed job twice and gone part time to accommodate the family life they both agreed to, he is unwilling to change.

Just the fact he arranged her parents coming round to cover for him would be enough for people to say YANBU usually. I don't get why people are being so harsh, this isn't what OP signed up to or what he said it would be, it's understandable she is unhappy.

I've only read your posts @Poptart22 - but from your responses and quotes I think you've done a great job of sticking up for yourself.

The answer on threads that involve difficulties and pets is always 'get rid of the pets' as if they are some kind of disposable commodity and not much loved family members!

Posters who have said it will get easier in a couple of years are right and there are things that can be done to ease the burden in the meantime, but given how much anger and resentment this is causing you, the real question is, do you still love him and want to stay with him?

If he got a new job so he was home 7 days a week, would everything be OK?

You say he took the promotion without any real consultation with you so is the anger and resentment really about the stress when he isn't home or is there something else going on?

Lying about travel to take a promotion which you wouldn't have wanted him to if he'd been honest is symptomatic about other issues.

If it had been something you had decided together and gone into with your eyes open the busyness and stress would still be there, but the anger and resentment wouldn't. Even if it is worse than anticipated, in a healthy relationship, he would want to help find a solution (not necessarily getting a new job, but at least exploring options).

If you do love him, want to stay with him and the stress of three nights alone is the only issue, then I wouldn't necessarily be pushing him to look for a new job (because that will only lead to resentment on his part). He may be refusing to discuss it because he doesn't want to keep being told he needs to find a new job.

Ask him to sit down and talk about options, with the promise that you won't ask him to look for a new job.

Look at finances together to see if you can get more dog walking time. Could you move the use of the dog walker to the evenings and find time to walk them yourself in the mornings?

On the nights when he is home, can you get an evening 'off' where he takes care of everything (putting your son to bed, dog walking etc) so you get the same total downtime that he does?

Can he change his evenings away, so they don't clash with your work evenings, or vice versa?

It sounds like you have both hit an impasse - if you want a find a way through it you are going to have to find a compromise that isn't as extreme as getting rid of pets, new jobs or divorce!

With this comment you've answered your own AIBU question.
What your saying is "I can't manage but I won't do anything to help the situation"

It’s because he isn’t chilling in hotel rooms, he’s working. He’d get his arse handed to him
if he were leaving his family 3 days a week to go gambling in Vegas but he’s just going to work, as many parents do and always have.

I’m not trying to be a viper, I just think OP evidently dislikes him so should probably leave him. I don’t think her life will get any easier for it, just because currently he pays 2/3 of the bills and they’re still stretched… Sure she’d get CM and maybe some extra benefits but I reckon she’d still be worse off financially for it.

He also does 50% of the housework, pet care and childcare when he’s home. It sounds like he’s home more often than not too, it isn’t always half the week. Without that, OP would be doing it all alone. I’m sure he’ll see their DS but since he’s also seeing another child from a previous relationship, and working away, it’ll be far less than he does now.

would you not rather be with your kids full time together, and work on your marriage, and give up the dogs to a loving home whi have the capacity to support them? Surely they are the thing to sacrifice to a caring home before your child effectively. May have read this wrong but this reads as if - I will get a child break if we share custody.

I too am an animal lover, but would not let them break up a family.

I think you have too much on your hands !

But he is chilling in hotel rooms, at least in the evenings. Having had a husband working away and also occasionally working away myself, I know that it is nice in the evenings even if you work late. You don’t have the additional emotional or physical burden, The OP doesn’t have that luxury AND she feels she was mislead into it – it wasn’t what she signed up for. He refuses to help financially by getting a dog walker (and presumably a cleaner etc) to give her a break, or to acknowledge this may be hard for her.

Get regular dog walkers (not your elderly parents.) Borrow my doggy might be a free option

Work full time if you need more income as a family .

I

Don’t have any more children with him.