AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

you 100% have a DH problem - he's opted out of the busy full family life you both agreed to and it is completedly unfair that he's walked away and left you to carry everything.

But what to do?

If you leave him the burdens that are causing you all the stress won't change as you will still have the pets/job.

So you could stop working and focus more energy into family life - probably an unrealistic propostion, and you may be very happy working even if you could financially afford to stop.

You dont want to rehome the pets - no judgement there but it is a huge load & financial cost.

I understand your resentment towards him - and this will be degrading your feelings toward him even further.

So I don't have any advice if he won't change & get on board - its seems very unfair to you and he doesn't care.

Perhaps you need to turn this around OP, look at it another way - start to think about how you want your life with work/family/pets etc to look like, and work towards creating that reality, either with him in, or with him out. What you are doing now is very unsustainable.

Good luck 💐

But presumably you like the additional income?

In any case it's all moot unless he could easily walk into an equally well paid job tomorrow that would somehow allow him to be home every evening to walk the dogs and put his child to bed.

You seem to have a lot of principles when it comes to keeping your dogs, but not when it comes to keeping your son's family together.

He took this promotion after he had a wife, dogs, child to think about. Not before. There is no double standard.

I would say the same to a woman who decided to take a job that took her out the home and shrugged her shoulders at her husband drowning.

WTAF is this thread. I’ve not been on here much over the years but WOWWW that swing to the right is visible in real time here.

yeah op, stay with (at best) a man who doesn’t stick to his promises, who changes the goal posts and who works away not because he has to - as op has confirmed - but because it’s CONVENIENT for him to. He’s got a lovely lifestyle for himself doesn’t he?

prick. Leave him!

Giving up pets to someone who has time for them is not mean.
Op later clarified that she would never give them up and that she always finds time; they are not neglected.

It was not clear in her first post as to how easily she coped with the caring for the pets; that is why suggestions were made to off load responsibility for the animals.

I think most people are trying to genuinely assist Op with helpful ideas to lessen her load.

She has clearly listened and responded to the different opinions - she just doesn't agree with them, as it her right.

Nothing is more ridiculous than your assertion that she loves her dogs more than her husband and child, though.

Because one parent is being incredibly disrespected by the other. What behaviour is that to model to a child simply to “keep a ‘family’ together.”

Where is the onus on the husband to work to keep his family together.

It’s bloody awful.

You're getting a ridiculously hard time here OP and you sound at the end of your rope.
In your position I would be looking to exit, but I'd try and get a practical plan in place first that might work. If it doesn't then you've tried your best.
Huband is in hotel a few nights a week so he gets to lift the majority of the mental load - he's responsible for family/friend birthday sorting, bills/admin, he books grocery deliveries so you don't need to shop, he arranges vet prescriptions and dog walker times, you get the drift. You then do the practical at-need stuff when he's away, and then when he's at home he picks the majority of dog/childcare so you get a break.

If he refuses or simply doesn't do these things then they don't get done; and you have to decide what your own future looks like.

Totally agree. It's like a portion of mumsnet has time-travelled to the 50s today.

My job is my career and I run my own business. I have already changed jobs twice to fit in better with my family, as previously I was driving an hour to work, and now I get to work from home. So I have made the necessary adjustments to better suit my family and responsibilities, but he refuses.
I am put under immense pressure when he’s away and that’s why I’m resentful.

This is what good spouses do. You don’t have a good spouse.

Ahh so YOU dont hold that double standard, you're just claiming we all do. Got it.

Well yes, he should. It's not clear whether he's actually aware that things aren't right - though he absolutely should be. I'm wondering if the OP has explicitly told him how tough it is for her. Yes, he should know, but some OHs are thick-skinned.

It all depends on whether the job is worth it to both of them. Ditto the marriage.

Not sure it’s as modern as the 50s!

Seems a lot of MN think it’s weird to be angry at a partner who does not contribute adequately to family expecting elderly parents to do his share while he chills in hotel rooms.

She has told him. They have even had counselling. He refuses to make any changes.

Im baffled at a lot of the comments here tbh, OP has said her husband could very easily have a job that doesn’t involve travelling frequently and that he doesn’t earn more money doing this role compared to his previous one where he worked from home.

So I’m really struggling to see why so many people think she’s unreasonable in feeling resentful that he has chosen a role which means he is absent from family life for a significant amount of time, leaving OP to look after their child, home and pets alone while she also works.

It seems like the only person benefiting from this arrangement is him, as he gets to shirk his responsibilities at OP and her elderly parents’ expense.

Is the bar for men really that low that people think their only role or responsibility in family life is working? Surely, that is the bare minimum?

Hi all,
Just a call for a bit of peace and love on this thread - we can see that it has gone across several pages by now but do try to stick to the topic at hand and offer support and advice to the OP?

If you have a child who is not school age and you work part time, you’re not doing so for the chilled out life. It’s hard work. It may or may not be lovely work (if depends on your child and also your own sort of tolerance / stress levels) but it’s 100% work.

I’m quite surprised by the tone of this thread, to be honest. I don’t really understand why people are being so hard on you, or why the focus has shifted so much onto the dogs.

The issue as I see it is pretty straightforward: you both agreed to have dogs and a child, and then your partner took a new job where the reality of the workload and time away seems to have been understated. Despite you raising concerns and even going to counselling, you still feel that the majority of the childcare (and yes, dog care) has fallen to you, and that you’re not really being heard.
That’s not uncommon, and a lot of women will recognise that dynamic.
I think what people are reacting to is you defending keeping the dogs. But I completely understand your position. It’s not just about practicalities it’s also the emotional burden of potentially having to make a really difficult decision about much-loved members of your family (even if they are furry) because of decisions you feel he made without giving you all the information. And it sounds like you feel that burden is sitting almost entirely with you, rather than being shared. That’s understandably unfair. If he doesn’t see there’s a problem, and counselling hasn’t shifted things, then you may be right that this pattern isn’t going to change.

That leaves you with some really hard choices. Divorce with children is incredibly tough definitely don’t underestimate that. But equally, living in a situation where you feel unsupported and alone is also very hard.

I can’t quite see why so many replies aren’t recognising this, but I do get where you’re coming from

I've read all of the OPs posts several times. From my understanding it's this:
Husband works away 3/ 4 days per week. Which means he's there 3/4 days per week.
When he's there he pulls his weight.
OP works 3.5 days per week. No idea if that is when husband is home or away.
DS goes to nursery 2 days and to grandparents 1 day.
OP isn't sleeping when her husband isn't there because DS wakes up early.
When I look at that it seems to me, that is the case for many parents. Unless the baby/child sleeps well, it's knackering.
I just feel that the resentment might actually stem from something else. I don't think we will know if that is so. BTW I had my last child at 40, and I thought that it was more tiring than 30 TBH. So is that part of it.

It does sound a shitty situation, but as others have said, there’s no guarantee he would take on any of the parenting if you split up. He clearly doesn’t take anyone else’s needs into account now, so he’s unlikely to do so if you divorce him.

It maybe is the case for many parents. The problem here is it’s the case for the mother.

You can’t reduce your hours for financial reasons but he can quit his job when he pays 2/3 of the bills this makes no sense OP.
If you want to leave your husband because hes working 3-4 days away and that’s building resentment then leave him but honestly at this point i just feel like its an excuse to leave him, he doesn’t choose his hours anymore than you do.

Ignore the, um, goaders, OP, lots of fellas on here who zone in on threads where a poor menz might be be being criticized. Then they rip into the female OP. It's a sad hobby for them. Pity them. But do ignore them.
I think if he won't listen and accept that change must happen with his job then yes, get rid. Life's too short frankly. Good luck! 💐

OP has already said she changed her working pattern.

TWICE.

To support her family.

They need the money so she cannot do so again. At what point is he expected to make changes to support his family?

And to blamer her for earning less is nasty work when she has had to change her hours because of her husbands choice to work away. And her husband did chose those hours. He chose to take that role after the dogs and child came along. And them downplayed the level of travel it would involve.