AIBU to leave my husband over his job?

[Poptart22]

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage because my husband won’t change his job?

DH works away constantly, sometimes 3/4 nights per week. We have a 3 year old toddler, 3 large rescue dogs and 2 cats. I work a very demanding job that includes 2 evenings per week. The impact him being away has on me is huge. I have to manage every early wake-up and refusal to sleep from our 3 year old alone, feed everyone, walk the dogs, manage all the daily household jobs and still be present at work. I am constantly overwhelmed, overstimulated and in survival mode and it massively impacts my mental health. I barely sleep when he’s away. Lately due to my working late done nights, my elderly parents have been forced to come over and help out at my husbands request, which puts a massive strain on them. My father has hip problems and struggles to walk but has had to walk our dogs and my mother has had to help bath my son. My mother still works herself and is exhausted. We do have a dog walker 3 mornings a week but this is expensive and we can’t afford it on the evenings too.

I have repeatedly asked him to consider changing jobs as his current role is putting me under so much pressure. He refuses and is adamant he won’t quit.

When he does return I’m so full of resentment I don’t want to be near him, then he gets upset.

We have had 3 sessions of couples therapy but it’s done nothing to address the resentment.

I feel so over it and like I don’t matter.

Is it that he refuses or says they don’t have the funds for it though? They do have a dog walker once a day, it’s the second walk that’s a struggle. Equally OP dropped her work hours down when their child was born so subsequently earns far less, you could argue that since it’s a job WFH she could increase hours again to pay for a cleaner/second dog walk? I don’t know…

I know what you mean about the evenings, I work away sometimes too and totally get it. He is working in sales though and as I said in a PP, I’ve never met anyone who works in sales and doesn’t work away a lot.

Either way, I’m not convinced leaving him is the ultimate solution. Maybe only because it might help OP’s mental health which is important.

I LOOOOOOVE hotel rooms in the evenings, even if I don’t get to the room or don’t finish work till 10 or 11pm I eat a meal from a restaurant or room service, and that hour or two after I’ve finished work I’m all alone, then I go to bed as the only person in a big comfortable bed, when I wake up I’m all alone and I’m the only person I have to get ready and get to work and I can wander down to the breakfast buffet and oh my god it’s like a holiday. No matter how full on the work is.

Well no... she's happy to get rid of the husband, go part time with her child but won't even consider removing the dogs she can't actually properly care for?

He makes 2/3 of the income. It doesn’t seem that unreasonable that Op does more in the household especially as she is not working FT.

I see again & again on MNs paid work being played down as not that hard or portrayed as glamorous.

There are good things & bad things about working. I like the social outlet but not so much my manager on my case about deadlines or demanding clients.

People are agreeing with the Op because she has chosen to see their life from a certain angle. It’s not I’m lucky my partner pays 2/3 of my bills so I can choose to stay home with our child.

Ok have read more of your comments and get it now. Forget about the dog idea. Sounds like he is choosing the fun easy option for himself and didnt properly consult you for the parents idea. If it were me I’d keep doing therapy like you are and keep up with the communication about all the resentment you have. Maybe even tell him it’s making you question your marriage cause youre not happy. He needs a kick up the arse to adjust his work commitments to do what works for the family and you. Good luck!!!

Why is having 3 dogs stupid? Please elaborate.

How full on the work is matters. I don’t sleep well when works isn’t going well. So please stop with the “oh it’s a holiday” lark. For many many people it’s not.

If you get divorced, you will be in the same situation but worse off financially. I would find a good babysitter. Your child will be in school soon which will also give you a bit more time.

However, the fact that you are more horrified about ditching the dogs than you are about ditching the husband suggests that the marriage is probably doomed.

Maybe she would rather be in his shoes though. I would if I was her.

OP I can relate 💯 to your frustrations. My husband took a job “with a bit of travel”. Turns out it was A LOT of international travel. His was more sporadic but he was gone 50-60% of the time. Before this, he worked from home.

We have two small children and he also refused to change his work schedule. I did not get married to be a single mother. He chose his job over his family.

I also have a stressful job and I changed my schedule twice to enable him travel. He earns more than I do because I work part time because of his travel. If I worked full time, I would earn 20% more than he does.

A lot of people can’t understand. It’s not just about him travelling - it’s him opting out of the life that you both created consciously together, seeing how much strain it’s causing his family, and refusing to do anything about it because it doesn’t bother him personally. He is incredibly selfish and you are absolutely justified to be brimming with resentment. A good man does not ignore his wife’s suffering and pleas for help.

We are now getting divorced because of this and other issues. Good luck. Sorry you got piled on.

Don't know why you've encountered so many spiteful replies..although mostly from the people that think abandoning pets is an acceptable solution. I would be telling him its the family or the job things are easier without anger and resentment

If he didn't like it he could get a job that doesn't involve being away though. He had a job like that when they got the dogs and had their child. Why does he get to unilaterally decide to leave most of the looking after dogs/child to OP?

She specifically said she would never dream of taking a job that would take her away from her child. She she wouldn’t rather be in his shoes.

And she wants to be with their child. Fair enough but can you choose to work less hours while telling the main earner he can only WFH? That doesn’t seem particularly fair.

I didn’t say ‘it’s a holiday’ anywhere. what I said was that working away you don’t have the additional emotional and physical burden of family life all the time. I work full time by the way and always have done. I am an Executive Director in a busy role in a global company, which is very hard work. When I go away, while it is always difficult, the only good thing about it is that I get to go to bed on my own and wake up on my own and no one is asking me for a drink, or coming in when I am on the loo, or asking who would win in a fight, a dinosaur or a shark with legs. The OP is essentially on all the time. In any case, the OP feels hoodwinked into something she didn’t sign up to, and now not listened to about how she finds it hard.

I would probably put up with it for another year or so until your child starts school as it will be a lot easier then regardless of whether you stay married or not.

She has explicitly said she chose to reduce her hours though

It's really helpful that, nice one.

Absolutely 100% this.

She’s had to work less hours because he chose a job that means he’s away from home a lot of the week, a job that doesn’t pay any more than his previous job where he was at home.

There’s no benefit to OP with him doing this job compared to his previous one or a different one, yet it’s putting a huge amount of strain on her as a lot of the time she’s living as a single parent because he’s not there to share the load. She’s discussed this with him at length and his solution is to pass some of the burden onto her elderly parents so he can continue to stay away from the family home, so it’s no wonder she’s resentful.

Why does she get to decide that he’s the main earner and she is staying at home with their child while also saying he can only WFH?

He can only WFH for how long? Until
the dogs die? He’s not a young man, many people on their 50s find it hard to get chances in work. Maybe he doesn’t have many other chances of being promoted.

Why are people so determined to support this one sided narrative oh one day he just upped & decided to live in hotel rooms isn’t it well for him!

My life was fairly easy when I had one child, there’s no sense of perspective or proportion around any of it.

It is impossible that your child is safe in this set up. Impossible. Others in the thread have pointed out that dogs can get health issues out of the blue that can cause sudden aggression, no matter how well trained they are. It can take seconds for a fatal incident to occur. You physically could not control three big dogs at once if something kicked off - a heavyweight boxer probably couldn't - and the household won't be safe with them there alongside a toddler. I really hope that nothing goes wrong but you've allowed yourself to end up in a foolish situation, that's why people are going on about it. Please do reflect on how horrified so many are by what you've shared (assuming this isn't rage bait, which I hope it is).

I genuinely hope you get lucky, or don't get unlucky, but I find the situation you've described inherently neglectful.

She probably wouldn't do it because it is not fair on her child or dogs. That doesn't mean she wouldn't prefer it. Presumably they discussed whether or not she would go part time and he thought it a good idea. It doesn't sound like there was a similar discussion about him working away. Also I think she probably just expects him to work locally so he is there in the mornings and evenings rather than at home.

I work full time as an Executive Director in a global company and my husband works from home. I work long hours and I am out of the house from 6am to 7pm,and I occasionally have international travel. He does the majority of the day to day, and as I earn more and work longer hours I think that is fair. But I also get times where I go away and so, even though it is stressful and I am working, I get the luxury of having some alone time at hotels where he does not. I am also very aware that he does the heavy lifting and deserves weekend time away, so we work hard to ensure it is equal. From the OPs posts she is not treated the same way by her husband and she didn’t sign up for the amount of working away, and he isn’t listening to her. I can see why she is upset.

You don't need three dogs. Other people might do. I had 5 at one point.

Some attitudes towards animals on this thread shows all that is wrong with society. Humans feeling they are entitled to breed animals into the world - or pay for their breeding - then discard or give up on them when they are no longer convenient to their lives is just sickening.

THANK YOU OP for rescuing the dogs and being responsible for them. It is a worry that your husband doesn’t share the same concerns for you, your DC or the dogs. Maybe you need to give him an ultimatum and see how he responds. That will be very telling. Be prepared to move on from him if he cannot even offer a compromise.