Do I tell her about the affair?

[doitell8]

I’m going to put into a list as it’s going to be a very lengthy post otherwise.

DH and I own a business

Our business works closely with another business providing them with our services, we go to to corporate parties but also more intimate parties such as big wedding anniversary, special birthday etc

Other business run by another couple and their 4 sons work there as directors

One of the son’s has been married 21 years and they have 2 primary and secondary aged children, his wife is lovely and I’ve known her 8 years now, very sweet and mild mannered.

Said son has been sleeping with a girl who works for his parents for 2 years, it is widely known as they’ve been caught at work 3 times.

People who work for his parents won’t say anything due to fear of being sacked.

His parents turn a blind eye to it which makes me sick, if this was my son (god forbid!) I’d be telling him that he tells her or I tell her. They let his wife sit blissfully unaware at dinner parties with other woman and husband, parties, even popping in to the work place where he has had sex with her.

I found out about it 3 months ago via DH, both of us think it’s disgusting anyway but especially as a family business where his Mum & Dad know yet do nothing to step in and protect their daughter in law and grandchildren. I have said that I am not attending any more parties etc and have the gift of using my baby as an out of going but DH goes because it brings business in.

For 3 months this has played on my mind, it’s none of my business but I feel sick for her and I keep toying with the idea of telling her regardless of the damage it does to our business. I also don’t want to be the one to break a family up and break their children’s hearts but I’m screaming out inside that she needs to leave his disgusting self. Then I’m worried she may actually know and then I’m seen as a trouble maker!

WWYD?

YABU - Do not tell
YANBU - Do tell her

Regular user but name changed.

Please tell her. Having been in a similar situation myself, I am forever grateful to the person who told me. A lot of people knew and didn’t say a word, which just added to my feeling of betrayal.

Anonymous contact is so creepy and unsettling I wish people would stop suggesting it..so it's fine to take this secret off your chest ans carry on as you are meanwhile like a coward you drop a bombshell on someone and they don't even know who knows, who is watching, who is pitying. You make them paranoid on top of it all, just selfish and thoughtless advice.

Do not get involved.

I agree with Bilbobagginsbollox.

Unless you've changed a lot of the details I think you've given enough information in your first post for those involved and the wider family to identify themselves.

How do you know some of them are not on MN?

This doesn't make sense. If you're happy not to know about it the you must not care if your husband has an affair. So then what difference does it make if you're told or not?

Not really. I think everyone being fine with knowing and playing along is creepy and unsettling. There really are women who would never pick up on anything because they truly believe it's impossible that their partner would be so callous because they would never cheat themselves.

The advantage of anonymity is that it enables the sender to break the news as thoughtfully as possible - OP can pretend to have talked to whoever caught them in the act rather than heard it via gossip because everybody knows. She can always come forward later.

The fact that women have come on here saying they would have appreciated someone telling them makes me think she has to be told. It's up to her what to do with it.

I mean I’d rather know even if it was from an anonymous person. The anonymity suggestion was due to the impact it may have on her husband/business in this case. I’d much rather be told that way than have everyone knowing and not telling me.

Yes 100% tell her, however be prepared for them to cut you off socially and business wise

My father treated my mother like this for all of their marriage. She has always said the worst thing was finding out that everybody else knew.

I would ‘stay out of it but consider if something ‘anonymous’ could be done. It wouldn’t sit well with me either and I would definitely have distanced myself too

This.
Tell her. I would want to know. But I would definitely tell her anonymously. It could ruin your business otherwise. And if she already knows and has decided to turn a blind eye, at least she won't know who told her and won't potentially feel like she has to explain anything to you.

I don’t think risking any damage to your business is ok. And that’s what swings it for me.

that said, it’s an appalling situation and him and his parents are pigs

This 100%.
So many here advising LTB over way more trivial things than an affair.

But what difference does it make for the husband and the business? None. The only reason someone would want to stay anonymous is because they prefer to throw a grenade on someone's life without taking responsibility for it. They know what they're doing is not necessarily correct, so they prefer to hide.

Exactly this. If she did know and was ignoring it because she is not ready to face it, can you imagine how she would feel when you announce it and that everyone is aware of it? That could potentially break the poor woman. No good will come of you telling her.

It is always the correct thing to do because it is the right thing to do.

The suggestion to do it anonymously is not from OP although she is worried (I think rightfully). But in this case it is not an act of cowardice but kindness, as it serves to let her know in a way that avoids telling her that everyone knows and gossips about it.

I'd pretend I was immediately told by whoever was shocked to have seen them together and had been asking for advice on what to do. They were caught three times which diffuses responsibility. OP would also keep the number of those who know to a minimum at a crucial moment when the shock is horrible enough. I'd explain that the witness did not want OP to out them because of having caught them in the act.

It's a lie of course, but it protects OP and avoids hurting the wife's feelings more than necessary.

You haven't convinced me. No one who is doing the right thing needs to hide behind anonymity, especially not in this case. We'll have to agree to disagree.

Heartened to see the poll. When I started on MN it was always more 50:50. It’s good to see more women supporting women in having their personal agency, sexual consent and sexual health handed back to them from a cheating man.

I’m always unconvinced by the ‘she might know’ argument. I have known of many affairs and read stories of many affairs and I have yet to come across the ‘woman that knows but is just ignoring it’. I have come across many women who wish someone had told them and they hadn’t wasted their child bearing years/ precious years once the children had grown/ pensions/ inheritance etc ones who made a life altering move/ changed jobs etc etc based on the man they THOUGHT they were married to. And that’s without the damage finding out other people knew but chose not to tell you.

I’d find a way of telling her.

Or it could be seen as other poster's encouraging poster's to be a gossip? depends how you look at it

I’d argue that the gossips aren’t the ones trying to prevent a woman being made a fool of but the ones just allowing it to happen. She will be being gossiped about already!

And I would argue gossips like to tell gossip to make themsleves feel better only

I’d agree but what part of informing a betrayed that they are being cheated on is ‘gossip’. That is absolutely not the definition of gossip. Gossip is people discussing someone NOT involved in the conversation. You’re going TO the person concerned to inform them. And OP has made it clear this isn’t rumours, it’s true.

I personally can’t wait for the day when we call cheating out and cheats can’t hide behind gossip and blind eyes.

We’re not going to agree anyway so I bid you a good day!

When she finds out (and she will), her humiliation will be deep and very public when she understands that everyone, including you, op, knew. How awful.

She might know already ofc.

But the poll is 64% in favour of not telling her.

Meh… read it wrong… it was early!

But my points still stand.

Would that they didn't. Anonymity has its place, whistleblowers, journalists can't do without it and they're surely doing the right thing but I see your point.

I just think the wife shouldn't hear from OP that she heard it via gossip because of it being widely known on top of news of her husband's infidelity. Were I the OP I'd do it personally. OP made it sound like husband and OW are quite careless, and if the wife finds out and that they all knew, things would blow up anyway.